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[QUOTE=love lost;4762923]i am new to this site and need help. i dont even know if this is the right place to be. long story short, i am 38 years old. my boyfriend and his son (9 yrs old) lived with me. he has full custody of his son. my boyfriend and i have been struggling for about 4 months now. he decided last week to move out and our relationship is over. however, he keeps telling me he loves me, cares about me and i am the most important and most influential person in his life - ever. i do not want to break up. i want to save our relationship. he and his son moved out a week ago. i have been sobbing uncontrollably every minute since. i sit in the fetal position and just rock back and forth. i am not working now (thank goodness!). so i sit in my empty house by myself and sob. i have a counselor i have been seeing for a couple of weeks and my appt with her is the day after tomorrow. i do not have a physician to get a prescription for antidepressants. my mom gave me a couple of her Ativans to take. it helps. but i have to take one in the am, one in the afternoon and one at night. i started having a severe panic attack about 30 minutes ago - a really bad one - so i took an ativan. i am starting to calm down but it is like i can feel that next attack right there - just waiting to jump out and say "here i am!" i am on edge, i sit and wring my hands, i cry (sob), i rock back and forth and keep repeating the same words over and over again.
do i need to be committed? am i dying? i feel like i am dying.
i do not want our relationship to end. this is 100% his decision. he knows this. when i have a panic attack, i feel so alone so i text him. he doesn't respond and then the attack gets 100000000 times worse. the other night it went on for over 2 hours - til i just passed out from exhaustion.
what is wrong with me??????[/QUOTE]

ok - i have an update to this - It took almost a month but was able to get into my docs office. they have put me on a new anti-depressant and medicine for panic attacks. things are going better. but now i have a new issue. my ex came over for fathers day and i cooked him and his son dinner. they didn't stay long and there was not any physical contact other than a hug - suggested by him. that was a couple of weeks ago. i was close to his son - who is 9. i knew his dad (my ex) would have to work last night and would not be able to take his son to see fireworks. (our town did them last night - Saturday). So I sent my ex a text and offered to take his son. he texted me back and said his son would love to go with me. i suggested we meet somewhere and i would get his son. he suggested we meet for dinner. so we went to a local pizza place. after dinner, we had an hour to kill so he invited me to his house. I went. While we were there, we walked down to his garden and he reached down and took my hand. just for a minute but that was really the first contact we have had in almost 2 months since we broke up. well, then me and his son left. we had a great time watching fireworks. before hand, my ex said he would come to my house to pick up his son. when he got there, he suggested they just spend the night. it was very late and he lives 30 minutes away. i said ok. somehow, we decided his son would sleep on the couch (which is a sofa bed) and my ex would sleep in bed with me. not really sure how that happened. before this though, we were sitting there and my ex put his hand on my back and rubbed it. i told him i felt awkward and didn't know how to act. he touched my face and then held my hand. he didn't say anything. then somehow it was decided he would sleep in bed with me. when we went to bed, we just laid there and watched tv. he reached over and held my hand. after a few minutes, he pulled me over to him with his arm under me. finally he lifted my head up slowly kissed me. we just laid there and he kissed me every little bit. i did tell him i was not going to have sex with him. i wanted to but did not want to be used that way. anyway, when we finally went to sleep, he "spooned" me and we fell asleep that way. oh, at one point, he said he still loved me and cares about me - otherwise he wouldn't be at my house. anyway, the next morning, before we got out of bed, he hugged me, kissed me again several times, called me "baby" (he has always called me that) and we laid there with his arm around me. then he had to get up for work. he mentioned he was going to see some fireworks at his friends house. he insinuated that i could go with him if he went. before he left, he hugged me and kissed my forehead. i kissed him on the lips. i figured at that point, it was ok. he had been kissing me all evening. now, i am not sure what to do. i do not know how he is feeling. i do not want to scare him off by being direct. but i do not want false hope that we could get back together. again, i did not want the relationship to end. that was his decision. i am afraid he was just lonely that night and wanted to love on someone. but then again, i don't know. maybe he is reconsidering our relationship. I need a guys point of view. I don't know what to think. i don't know what goes through a guys head. I do know he only does what he wants. he is selfish. but when he said he still loved me and cares about me so much, it was sincere. and he never pushed sex at all. please give me your opinion.

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