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I've been trying to figure out how to talk to this guy I'm seeing about where we are going. This has been bugging me for two months. I wrote an open letter to him to get my thoughts straight, but I'm not actually going to give it to him. I wanted to know what people thought, especially men. Does this seem like something a guy would like to hear without thinking he was being pressured into something? I know it is long, but that was mostly for me to get my thoughts straight while I was writing.


Dear B,

Since we've been hanging out I've been having a great time with you. I really like talking to you and listening to all of your stories. Honestly, I've never enjoyed spending as much time with anyone as I do with you. I'm worried though because I really like you, but I know that you don't think you can handle a relationship and be in school at the same time. I think we would have fun together as a couple. I understand how important school is for you, you don't think I do, but I do. You don't want to disappoint your parents and you feel with your age this is the last chance you will have to do this. I know that it is important that you get the best grades you can. You don't want to disappoint yourself either. Plus, you want to focus on your sobriety. I know how bad you feel after you drink and how hard you are on yourself.

However, I don't believe in your statement that men cannot multitask. I believe you are using that as an excuse not to be in a relationship, but you truly believe it. I think you are cutting yourself short. You could be missing out on something that could enhance your life. We both agree that you cannot depend on a relationship to make you happy, but I do believe that it can add to happiness. I wouldn't suggest such a thing unless I thought it was something we both could handle. We are in similar situations. We are starting school again at ages later than normal and we both are dedicated to studying and good grades. Likewise we are both still working and living at home. I believe that we each put pressure on ourselves for different reasons, but I know what it feels like to worry. I worry about the future too much, sometimes I think you worry about the past. Either way we are focused on similar futures. Mainly school. I would never dream of distracting you from studying or focusing on your work the same as I wouldn't want you to do that to me. After the last semester I think we both proved that we could be around each other and still keep focus on what was important.

I have to admit that I'm not sure what we are doing or if anyone could "label" what we are together. I think we are more than friends, but I don't know how you feel. What I do know is that I am not one of those women that is constantly checking the clock to see how old she is getting. Growing up I never worried about whether I would get married or planned what my wedding dress would look like. Until a few years ago I couldn't even imagine myself having kids. Now maybe i could have one, but not anytime soon! The point I'm trying to make is that you don't have to worry about me bugging you about when we are getting married or any of that. The only thing that is really important to me is commitment. I think two people could be in love and live together for fifty years, but they don't necessarily have to get married, unless they both want to. As long as they know they are dedicated to each other what is the purpose of marriage anymore? It seems like an option now. I'm not against marriage. I could get married one day, but it is not an absolute condition for me or even a priority. The relationship and where it stands between the two people is more important.

Maybe we get along well, but I like you more than you like me. There are things you do that bug me and I'm sure there are things I do that bug you. Neither of us are perfect. but that just makes life more exciting. I honestly have no idea how you feel about me. I am terrible at reading people. Some days I feel you really do have an interest in me while other days I just feel like a friend. I think that the way we are now we actually aren't that much different than a couple. If we were actually in a committed relationship I honestly don't think much would change. I would feel more secure though as I don't like constantly wondering what is going on or how you feel. I have been more open with you than with anyone else I know and if we were together I would be even more so. I guard myself and my emotions, but I don't want to do that anymore, at least not with you. I am so comfortable around you that this is a new experience for me. I thought I would hate it, but I like it. A lot.

I wasn't lying when I said my last relationship was in high school. It is completely true. So when it comes to relationships I admit I can be naive because of my inexperience. However, I'm also not a teenager anymore and look at life rationally. My last relationship was short and uneventful and I have kept to myself mostly since then. I've had crushes, but I've never done anything about them. They usually wore off pretty quickly and I went on with my life pretty easily. However you were different. You make me relaxed and not many guys can do that. They usually just become my friends and nothing else. But I care about you B. I care if you seem sad, I care about your grades, I care if you get enough sleep. I like to see you happy. You're smile is contagious. I know you are hard on yourself and you've made some mistakes, but you are a good person B. You are dedicated, caring, and realistic. You are devoted to your family, especially your brother, and not many people are brought up that way anymore. I can admit I wasn't. You are a person I'm sure a lot of people like to be around. I know I do.

Like I said, I don't know what you want or how you feel about me B. You are becoming a really good friend though. I have to admit that if you don't want a relationship I'm not sure how I would feel. I love our friendship, but I still will have feelings for you. I'm not sure if I could just be friends. If we still studied together and hung out as friends and then I had to see you date another girl it would be something I couldn't handle I know that. I don't have any interest in "moving on to the next guy." I don't think about relationships that way. I don't seem to go looking for them, they just find me. I like you B. I just hope you can see where I'm coming from and my logic about the whole situation. I can't convince you to feel a certain way. Every person has their own free will. I just hope I'm not hanging on to something that will never happen. But if I am it is something I will eventually have to accept. It won't be easy, but at least I know I tried.

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