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Relationship Health Message Board

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I dont get it , i am a nice caring person yet EVERYTHING seems to be going bad for me (not just recently but years aswell). My friends dont ask me to come out anymore i try to arrange get together partys girly nights but they say there busy then i found out they have lied to me and post there party pictures on fb, my parents dont show much interest when i visit them, i can't seem to find a job, because i been out of work for so long (because of severe depression) i have anxiety that i am dumb , know nothing , and too dumb to find a job and with my memory issues i am scared i will never get anywhere in life. I am struggling to even find voluntary work i am worried i will fail there too but i have applied anyway. I can't get into college because i have no money to pay for it, plus i dont know what i would want to study anyways. This depression has taken away my interests which i can't even remember what they used to be with my stupid memory issues and when i look for a job or college course i am stuck what to try go for because i dont know what i wanna do. People keep treating me like i am scum lately speaking down to me , its got to the point now where i am so down i have no interest in meeting new friends because i dont trust them not to let me down or speak down to me , but at the same time i know i need new friends to make my life more alive (i am leaving my old friends behind as they are serious drug users, big drinkers, fight, bi*ch about eachother and sleep with eachother) i have NEVER been inflenced by them in anyway and i keep thinking i am like a GEEK to them and in there eyes boring and that they are embarrassed to be around me because i am a mature lady who doesnt do drugs/drink/fight/sleep around and that they are not like me and wish they could be i dont know , one of them says ''i hate my lifestyle and who i am with the drugs and sleeping with anyone but i have deep issues'' but instead of helping herself she makes it worse. I think maybe shes ashamed and knows she should grow up but she likes the attention shes admitted it. Anyways so i am trying to leave them friends behind because NONE of them want to better themselves , they dont want jobs and to find real happiness they are very different to me but we used to be a close group of mature friends but they turned to drugs drink etc...and i didnt and never ever will. I just dont trust people anymore. I am becoming bitter and feel bad about anyone who i come across or who i know like this girl shes really hyper and talkative and really loud but she seems nice and she talks to me whenever i see her (see her about once every month or two) but i just get stuck what to say to her, i have no interest in bonding , depressions getting worse i have like isolated myself and feel stupid, i get nervous and cant talk and dont know what to say then get paranoid that i am boring and then get more paranoid thinking maybe thats why people treat me like crap lately or dont ask me out because i am boring. this girl was watching me eat and was talking to me about the food i was eating and i was really paranoid about silly things and i was thinking ''what if she thinks i am eating my food wrong''. I am a absolute nervous wreck round people now i feel dead and pathetic. i hate my life. i really dont get it , because i am a nice loving caring non judgmental person with a heart of gold that if someone speaks to me like crap i dont have the heart to say anything bad back.

What is wrong with me? i am losing myself. All i want is a job and i cant find one because of my lack of skills and experience and voluntary work i applied for hasnt got back to me. I am terrified if i got asked togo to a interview that i would be stuck for words and look dumb and forget what work i have done in the past been depressed and nervous blocks my memory problems even more. i am terrified everyones judging me or will judge me. i barely go out of the house. scared people will think i am fat ugly boring and fake if i am nice to them. i am the type of person that if i am shown something important or new (like in my past jobs) i have to be shown quite a few times because of my memory problems. worried my boss in a job or colleagues would think i am dumb and fire me for been forgetful. i hate UK too i dont wanna be here i wanna live in another country. plus another thing i dont like sex and it disturbs me so thats a problem for me too

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