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Hi,

I have been afraid to come here and ask for people's opinions because my partner reads these boards. I am only a frequent visitor but here it goes..

A friend of mine introduced myself to this wonderful girl on a night out a good while back. I knew there had been history between the two of them and for that reason was never really interested. In anyway we became friends on facebook and quickly became very good friends, chatting for hours upon hours.

I developed a crush on her but was afraid to make a move out of respect for my friend. One night I came home from a night out and was drunk. I mailed her on facebook asking for her number and she said no. I'll admit I was a little upset but quickly got over it. I knew where I stood with her and felt it was probably best that she didn't give me her number as things might of got awkward with my friend.

Shortly after this I went away with my on / off again partner to oz for a few months. Myself and herself (my partner from oz) finished up when we came back. There was never really anything there.

I came home just before christmas and then one night over the christmas we bumped into the same girl who was previously seeing my friend. We quickly hit it off again and got chatting/flirting. This continued on facebook until eventually a few weeks down the line we exchanged numbers.

To cut a long story short (I know its long, sorry) we started seeing each other and everything is or should I say has been great. When we first started to text 1 another I asked what had happened with my friend and her and she said my friend just ignored her. I asked my friend what was the situation between them 2 and she said it was just a few kisses and nothing else.

As time progressed we really started to fall for each other.

Fast forward to a couple of months later and we got talking. She tells me, it was very hard for her to come to terms with her sexuality and even harder for her to have sex for the first time. I understood where she was coming from. She told me she only ever slept with one other girl.

Then 3 weeks ago, we were talking and some how my friend came up in the topic. She told me that she was intimate with my friend. They didnt sleep together but my friend touched her. She said she didnt enjoy it and told her to stop after 5 minutes. I was a bit upset by this I must admit. For whatever reason I do not know. I asked her did she touch her and she said no. She was uncomfortable with the whole situation and she is not like that.

Then a week later, with this still playing on my mind I asked her one final time is that all there was to it. She opened up and said well she touched her for like a second and pulled her hand away! But my friend then proceeded to pleasure herself in front of her. My partner is maintaining my friend did this of her own accord. She said she just turned around and fixed herself and left when my friend was done.

This is the bit that hurt! I asked her was there anything else I need to know and she said no. But then this comes out! I feel as though I cant trust her because she didnt tell me when I asked her the first time. Also she says she didnt like her and she was uncomfortable with the whole situation yet when she told my friend to stop she willingly put her hand over and touched her. Even if it was only for a second she still willingly did it. So obviously she couldn't of been that uncomfortable?

I then find out that they where out on 8/9/10 dates. Even tough my friend said it was only 1 or 2! Yet my partner maintains she didn't find her attractive! She also said she thought she was boring! How could you go out with somebody so many times if you didn't find them attractive and boring??

It just doesn't seem to make sense to me!! What do you think? Maybe I'm going mad but what is your opinion?

I feel that if my friend never stopped texting her and talking she would be still with her! I feel as though I'm 2nd best! :( I also feel hurt and that she didnt tell me everything when I asked her the first time around! And feel as though I cant really trust her! Maybe more did go on and maybe she liked her alot more than she is saying! Then again maybe she didn't but I have that little doubt in my mind now!

I also cant get the images of them 2 out of my mind.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable? Who knows? She says she loves me! And maybe I should just forget all about it! Its in the past. We barely knew each other. Maybe its my self esteem thats the problem? I just want advice on what I should do? This situation is making me doubt my love for her. Maybe I'm not in love after all.

I feel so low, I feel if I stay with her my friends can be laughing behind my back! I really don't know what to do.

Please help and offer me some help on guidance.

Thank you.
[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586] When we first started to text 1 another I asked what had happened with my friend and her and she said my friend just ignored her. I asked my friend what was the situation between them 2 and she said it was just a few kisses and nothing else. [/QUOTE]

Why did you want to know? In other words, what did any of their interactions have to do with the interactions you were having with her?

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586] She told me that she was intimate with my friend. They didnt sleep together but my friend touched her. She said she didnt enjoy it and told her to stop after 5 minutes. I was a bit upset by this I must admit. For whatever reason I do not know. I asked her did she touch her and she said no. She was uncomfortable with the whole situation and she is not like that. [/QUOTE]

Which part were you upset with? That somebody besides you touched her? That is was your friend who touched her? That she didn’t enjoy it? Or that she was uncomfortable with the experience?

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586]Then a week later, with this still playing on my mind I asked her one final time is that all there was to it. She opened up and said well she touched her for like a second and pulled her hand away! [/QUOTE]

Okay, my eyebrows are scrunched together and I’m still wondering, why does it matter to you what went on between them before the two of you got together?

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586]This is the bit that hurt! I asked her was there anything else I need to know and she said no. But then this comes out! I feel as though I cant trust her because she didnt tell me when I asked her the first time. Also she says she didnt like her and she was uncomfortable with the whole situation yet when she told my friend to stop she willingly put her hand over and touched her. Even if it was only for a second she still willingly did it. So obviously she couldn't of been that uncomfortable? [/QUOTE]

How does it benefit YOUR relationship with HER to know any details of their private interactions? To me it sounds like you were interrogating her and I can imagine she felt put on the spot, backed into a corner and/or fearful of being completely honest with you. Not that she owed that to you. Were you asking me those questions I would have simply said “That was then, this is now and anything that transpired between me and the previous person is private and this conversation has run its course.”

I would hardly say she is untrustworthy because she mishandled the interrogation. Further, there is a possibility that she wanted to downplay her interest in the previous person to avoid this exact kind of conversation!

Sounds to me like you were pleased that she was supposedly uncomfortable and that you would have been tickled to find that you are the only human being on the planet that she is comfortable with -- sexually or otherwise. Since that is not the case, I’m sensing that your “king/queen of the hill” ego is a tad injured. You will find as you go along in life that you will rarely be somebody’s first and it will be even more rare that you will be somebody’s only.

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586]I then find out that they where out on 8/9/10 dates. Even tough my friend said it was only 1 or 2! Yet my partner maintains she didn't find her attractive! She also said she thought she was boring! How could you go out with somebody so many times if you didn't find them attractive and boring?? [/QUOTE]

Whether it was 2 dates or 10, the bottom line is that they dated then and you’re dating now. It’s in the past and how does what transpired between them affect your life today? She told you she thought the previous girl was boring? Are you surprised? A. Maybe she really was boring, but it took her multiple dates to find out; B. Maybe she really was boring, but going out to the club or to dinner with her was better than a re-run of The Golden Girls; C. Maybe she was NOT boring, but she senses your insecurity and is trying to end the freaking discussion. For the attractive part, you can substitute boring for attractive and repeat A, B, and C here.

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586]I feel that if my friend never stopped texting her and talking she would be still with her! I feel as though I'm 2nd best! I also feel hurt and that she didnt tell me everything when I asked her the first time around! And feel as though I cant really trust her! Maybe more did go on and maybe she liked her alot more than she is saying! Then again maybe she didn't but I have that little doubt in my mind now! [/QUOTE]

It may very well be that their dating relationship was one-sided and that had it been mutual, they’d still be seeing each other. But it wasn’t. And they’re not. Maybe her heart was shattered into a million little pieces. Maybe she thought she’d never care about or love or be interested in another. Maybe she did like her a lot more than she is saying. She shouldn’t have to be saying anything about it. You’re going to push her away – and the next person and the next – if you continue to fixate on her previous dating/sexual/love life. That was then. Life continued; she healed; the two of you met; and now it’s the present. Are you able to let go of micro-investigating every aspect of her being and just BE with her?

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586] I also cant get the images of them 2 out of my mind. [/QUOTE]

How is it benefiting your life, happiness or relationship by obsessing on something that had NOTHING to do with you?

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586]Maybe I'm being unreasonable? Who knows? [/QUOTE]

I think you are being incredibly unreasonable, obsessive and even controlling. To me, that is a huge red flag that screams “Insecurity!!!!!,” and for so many people, there is nothing more of a turn off then an insecurity. I hope you can get a handle on things before it’s too late.

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586]She says she loves me! And maybe I should just forget all about it! Its in the past. We barely knew each other. Maybe its my self esteem thats the problem? I just want advice on what I should do? This situation is making me doubt my love for her. Maybe I'm not in love after all. [/QUOTE]

Maybe you are not in love. Maybe you’re just not ready for a mature healthy relationship. If you are, I think you would help yourself and your relationship to stay in TODAY and be grateful for what the two of you have – or could have. Let go of your issues about her past and you may find that she is, indeed, quite trustworthy.

[QUOTE=damselhen;4772586]I feel so low, I feel if I stay with her my friends can be laughing behind my back! I really don't know what to do. [/QUOTE]

You’re joking right? You would call somebody a friend who would be so incredibly childish as to “laugh behind your back?” Laugh at what? That you’re not the ONLY one who’s ever touched her? Laugh that you are supposedly “second best”? Really? Those are the kind of people you call friends? Friends are supportive, kind and loving. If that doesn’t describe your friends, you’ve got bigger fish to fry than to think about how many dates your girlfriend went on with somebody before you started dating her.

Take care.
I agree with Curious One.

You have no right to interrogate her like that, that is unfair and yes controlling (and thats bullying) , your demanding answers and it is not right !!!

I dont get why you would want to know every detail of there relationship before you got with her? If you knew , what would it gain for you? Nothing.

There past relationship and sexual experiences with eachother has nothing to do with you at all.

I suggest you let this go (asking and thinking about there past) or you will definately drive her away.

I sense that you don't want to be compared to the 'friend' ...perhaps jealous. Wanting to be only one whos been with her.

Friends laughing behind your back? Why would they? There not friends if they do things like that. Plus people have there own lives and may not even say a thing its hardly anything exciting to talk about is it.
If the relationship is in ruins, then you are the reason. If I was being grilled about my past, and was too nice to say "butt out" (which I'm not), then I would be playing it right down too. She was only trying to make you stop doing that. You do not need to know this stuff. Leave it alone, and concentrate on apologising for bullying her and move on. You may then be able to save your relationship. If I were her, tho, I would already be out the door. Sera.
sounds complicated to me....remember when having a partner was fun, and fresh...you can have that again,,,,but be carefull what you try to dig up....when there is 2 much water under the bridge, its easy to drown....Dont torture yourself if u dont have need of it...





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