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Hi! I'am a "newbie" here as of today! For the past couple of weeks I have reading tons & tons of threads and have decided to reach out to others with advice on my situation.

My boyfriend & I have been together 12 1/2 years and living together for 4 1/2 of those years.

4 months ago I discovered he had a female friend who was a former co-worker and they have been friends for about 6-7 years and I have never heard of her. I called him up the day I discovered her and asked who she was and 4 seperate times he denied even knowing her said he didn't even know the name.

Then once I mentioned they use to work together...he then admits he does know her. Turns out she is married and both of them deny anything more than friendship. But I'am abit troubled w/ this and more so that he lied about it when i asked. He said he didnt tell me about her becuase he knew I would get mad. I was married before and that man cheated on me more then I knew so being that my bf knew this I couldnt belive he would lie to me this way or even hide a friendship. I do feel there was an emotional affair going on at the very least. However he will not elaborate on it.

For 2 weeks I kinda just withdrew and was muddling through all the emotions it brought on. Then I came to him to talk about us and the direction we would be heading to work through this. He said he didnt know what to do other then going to counseling maybe to get help to f"ix this". I agreed and he said he would look into it and set it up. The following week I didnt pressure him over the appointment but did inquire after the 1st week went by he said he hadn't done it but would. 2nd week goes by again i inquire, only this time he says he doesn't see how it will help. We argued some more and nothing was resolved.

I had been dealing w/ an episode of depression from October 2009 that had nothing to do with him or our relationship. It was over family (mainly my mother). So at the same time as all of this, I was switching medication for the depression and had a yucky time w/ it for about 3+ weeks. We then get into another argument only this time I explode saying somethings to him that I was upset about that were obviosuly hurtful and should not have done but it was done and I was also hurting from finding this out. Not an excuse but I feel it was magnified from my depression, changing meds and feeling angry towards him.

After that arguement he took a stance that I don't like anything about him or things that interest him.
SIDE NOTE: He began to play in a band at the end of last year. He was in a band early on in our relationship and at that time I did have issues over it only because I had never been with someone in a band and I had things built up in my head that made me very insecure. His band was short lived they broke up on their own and he has not played since until now. Now this time I have no issues primarily because I know the other guys they are mutual friends of ours and I don't have the same beliefs or concerns as the first one.

There is one issue though and that is that when this one got started it was supposedly only for fun just for them to get together from time to time to jam however, it has turned into a full blown band and they are playing shows quite abit. That part doesnt bother me, what bothers me is my bf has not said 2 peeps to me about any of this! I have just kinda watched it unfold before my eyes. I told him I felt hurt that he just wasnt even sharing this w/ me in normal conversation it's as though he avoids it. But the other guys will talk to me about upcoming things they have going on but he says NOTHING.

Now he says I have a problem w/ him being in a band and I have tried explaining where I'am coming from but he refuses to believe it. So now we are currently dealing w/ that as well.

So after the 2nd month I notice he has pretty much shut me out of all aspects of his life. We dont talk, we dont do anything together and there is absolutly no couple-like behavior anymore. He has also been sleeping on the couch since February.

Now the bizare things are that he will always ask if i want him to pick us up something to eat, yet we will eat in the same room but not talk.
He will also, ask via text message only if I need anything from the store such as Target and he will ask me the night of one of his shows if I will be coming but not mention them what-so-ever before hand. And the only minimal general talk is about our 2 dogs.

Very recently I did go to one of his shows thinking oh good he breaking the ice and we can begin to re-connect. Wrong. I went and there was barely any interactions together. I felt uncomfortable because none of our friends knows what is happening between us yet, I'am sure they see we are not holding hands, hugging barely talking which is not normal for us.

Being shut out they way he has done, and every time I try to talk it goes nowhere he has said he doenst know what he wants, he doesnt know if he wants to be in the relationship he says he feels bad about himself and everything in his life not just me and he said he needed space. So i gave it him, but after the 3rd month I approached him again saying we needed to figure out what we were doing because this is not healthy and obviously we were growing apart now. He really had nothing to say. Expect that he was still in a bad place within himself.

It is my belief a person would know which direction they were leaning towards now after 4 months. Either taking the steps to work though this or end the relationship. He will not make a decision either way. I cannot move out because my uncle owns the house where we rent. And I have told him that if he does know he isnt willing to continue this relationship that he needs to be honest w/ me so that I can begin to figure out what I will need to do becuase I wont be able to afford to stay at the house we are in on my own and I have also told him that I would prefer the honesty rather then being blind sided out of the blue.

The only respinse I get to that is mostly silence but he has said "thats not what I'am saying" whatever that means.

Im so frustrated that he wont talk and that he won't commit to a direction. Iam worn out over the instability of the relationship and being shut out. He is not doing anything to make me feel he wants the relationship. I wanted to be patient but I feel completly abandoned right now and am not sure what to do. I dont even know if there is a chance anymore. I feel close to just telling him to leave even though I dont want that I would rather work this out but I feel I have no other choice becuase Iam full of anxiety and stress over this.

I even said that I feel he is maybe pushing me to be the bad guy and end it so he wont have that responsibility but he again says NO.

If anyone can please share their insights, thoughts advice anything with me I would truly apperciate it. I haven't been able to talk to anyone because he knows all my friends.
Thank you for your time and help!
Mugwump-Hi I just saw your reply today to my post. (Thanks).

I do feel my bf is depressed. I did bring that up and of course he said NO he is not. At very least he obviously is having different thoughts & feelings about me and our relationship. We just had another short discussion last night about this. I'm at my wits end and I told him somethings gotta give I can't live like this where he has shut me out like he has and we are basically living as roomates. I mean there is ZERO comunication going on except for minor things regarding our dogs and the occasional "do you want something to eat". It's so pathetic and he is still sleeping on the couch as well. Yet he asked me to go to 2 different family things of his over the weekend for Fathers Day but we didn't hold hands or act like a couple as we would have previously to all of this it was so weird.

This has been going on for 4 months with no sight of resolution ahead. As for evidence I have about him cheating, I don't have anything. I almost can't even really say he is or has because other than going to work, he is never out once he gets home and his routine of work has not changed and he is home all weekend long on the couch or computer. When he plays shows they are maybe 1-2 times per month I defintely would hear about something if something was taking place at the shows because I have alot of friends & acquatintences who would have said something to me.

So if he was cheating it is a daytime only thing. Although we do keep different sleeping patterns he is night owl and I go to bed hours before he does, he will be up until 2,3,4 in the morning. The only reason I felt as though somethng may have transpired with the female friend is because how it all went down and when I confronted him he denied knowing her and after he did admit it he wasn't really elaborating on the relationship and I had asked him to call her with me there to put my mind at ease and he flipped out and adamently said NO. When I took matters into my own hands and emailed her she of course said she was happily married nothing was going on....but I had coincidently went to my dr who manages my depression meds the day after that confrontation and she suggested that quite possbly there was no physcial affair however, an emotional affair was most likley transpiring and that he or both may have had an attraction for one another and there could be guilt from him over that so that has been stuck in my head and naturally the whole thing makes me suspicious.

I agree with you that he most likely didn't tell me because he knew what I might think and he did even say that. He also did cheat on me 9 years ago w/ a co-worker and alot of this feels so similar.

I see your point about maybe I'am reading too much into him but in the past this guy would be in every inch of my space, was always very sensitive, caring & respectful about our relationship and how I felt. Would hound me to death if I was closed off and was pointing out the fact he felt I was shutting him out when my episode of depression was starting and lying was always a big deal to him and so now this seems so unlike him to be so hands off with this and acting the way he is.

I can say that for the past 2 years there has been mention of him feeling I was disatisfied with him and honestly I have been with certain things. Certain things have become frustrating for me like being together 12 years and feeling there is no real commitment (just as you mentioned). When I told him this 2 years ago, he took that so personal and made the biggest deal over it. I suppose we have different ideas of what commitment means? I don't know.

To me, I just feel we should be in such a different place than we are at this point in time. Maybe because I have been married before? again I don't know. But like your husband he doesn't tell me things so I don't get made and like you I get mad when he doesn't tell me it's a vicous cycle. I know he isn't purposly treating me bad to be mean but I also don't see that he understands or cares enough at this point that the way this has fallen is not good, and it is destroying us ultimately but letting it stay this way. It's almost as though he has given up yet he won't actually leave.

I could accept having negative feelings about each other or the relationship but if you were activly working on issues to get past it that is one thing but when someone choses to do nothing in any one direction especially after a period of time then something is really wrong. He has said he doesn't know what to do right now...or how to move forward..that is difficult for me to understand because I'm the type of person who will get down or depressed over something but will eventually pick a direction to go or try.

I do know he has his own problems more and more have come out lately. He also doesn't have a good relationship w/ his mom and is feeling stagnent with his job and his life in general.

I just honestly do not know what Iam suppose to do anymore w/ this. How many times can you ask someone what they want or try to talk to them and they just keep saying NOTHING or I don't know. I told him I will be forced to make the decision to break up if nothing changes because I can't live like this for much longer. It is killing my spirit every day. It hurts so bad to feel so helpless in this situation plus how good can I feel when my bf is basically saying he doesn't know about moving forward with me and has shut me out of his personal day to day life.

Did your husband have a female friend he didn't tell you about as well?? How long have you been marriend?





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