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Hi! I'am a "newbie" here as of today! For the past couple of weeks I have reading tons & tons of threads and have decided to reach out to others with advice on my situation.

My boyfriend & I have been together 12 1/2 years and living together for 4 1/2 of those years.

4 months ago I discovered he had a female friend who was a former co-worker and they have been friends for about 6-7 years and I have never heard of her. I called him up the day I discovered her and asked who she was and 4 seperate times he denied even knowing her said he didn't even know the name.

Then once I mentioned they use to work together...he then admits he does know her. Turns out she is married and both of them deny anything more than friendship. But I'am abit troubled w/ this and more so that he lied about it when i asked. He said he didnt tell me about her becuase he knew I would get mad. I was married before and that man cheated on me more then I knew so being that my bf knew this I couldnt belive he would lie to me this way or even hide a friendship. I do feel there was an emotional affair going on at the very least. However he will not elaborate on it.

For 2 weeks I kinda just withdrew and was muddling through all the emotions it brought on. Then I came to him to talk about us and the direction we would be heading to work through this. He said he didnt know what to do other then going to counseling maybe to get help to f"ix this". I agreed and he said he would look into it and set it up. The following week I didnt pressure him over the appointment but did inquire after the 1st week went by he said he hadn't done it but would. 2nd week goes by again i inquire, only this time he says he doesn't see how it will help. We argued some more and nothing was resolved.

I had been dealing w/ an episode of depression from October 2009 that had nothing to do with him or our relationship. It was over family (mainly my mother). So at the same time as all of this, I was switching medication for the depression and had a yucky time w/ it for about 3+ weeks. We then get into another argument only this time I explode saying somethings to him that I was upset about that were obviosuly hurtful and should not have done but it was done and I was also hurting from finding this out. Not an excuse but I feel it was magnified from my depression, changing meds and feeling angry towards him.

After that arguement he took a stance that I don't like anything about him or things that interest him.
SIDE NOTE: He began to play in a band at the end of last year. He was in a band early on in our relationship and at that time I did have issues over it only because I had never been with someone in a band and I had things built up in my head that made me very insecure. His band was short lived they broke up on their own and he has not played since until now. Now this time I have no issues primarily because I know the other guys they are mutual friends of ours and I don't have the same beliefs or concerns as the first one.

There is one issue though and that is that when this one got started it was supposedly only for fun just for them to get together from time to time to jam however, it has turned into a full blown band and they are playing shows quite abit. That part doesnt bother me, what bothers me is my bf has not said 2 peeps to me about any of this! I have just kinda watched it unfold before my eyes. I told him I felt hurt that he just wasnt even sharing this w/ me in normal conversation it's as though he avoids it. But the other guys will talk to me about upcoming things they have going on but he says NOTHING.

Now he says I have a problem w/ him being in a band and I have tried explaining where I'am coming from but he refuses to believe it. So now we are currently dealing w/ that as well.

So after the 2nd month I notice he has pretty much shut me out of all aspects of his life. We dont talk, we dont do anything together and there is absolutly no couple-like behavior anymore. He has also been sleeping on the couch since February.

Now the bizare things are that he will always ask if i want him to pick us up something to eat, yet we will eat in the same room but not talk.
He will also, ask via text message only if I need anything from the store such as Target and he will ask me the night of one of his shows if I will be coming but not mention them what-so-ever before hand. And the only minimal general talk is about our 2 dogs.

Very recently I did go to one of his shows thinking oh good he breaking the ice and we can begin to re-connect. Wrong. I went and there was barely any interactions together. I felt uncomfortable because none of our friends knows what is happening between us yet, I'am sure they see we are not holding hands, hugging barely talking which is not normal for us.

Being shut out they way he has done, and every time I try to talk it goes nowhere he has said he doenst know what he wants, he doesnt know if he wants to be in the relationship he says he feels bad about himself and everything in his life not just me and he said he needed space. So i gave it him, but after the 3rd month I approached him again saying we needed to figure out what we were doing because this is not healthy and obviously we were growing apart now. He really had nothing to say. Expect that he was still in a bad place within himself.

It is my belief a person would know which direction they were leaning towards now after 4 months. Either taking the steps to work though this or end the relationship. He will not make a decision either way. I cannot move out because my uncle owns the house where we rent. And I have told him that if he does know he isnt willing to continue this relationship that he needs to be honest w/ me so that I can begin to figure out what I will need to do becuase I wont be able to afford to stay at the house we are in on my own and I have also told him that I would prefer the honesty rather then being blind sided out of the blue.

The only respinse I get to that is mostly silence but he has said "thats not what I'am saying" whatever that means.

Im so frustrated that he wont talk and that he won't commit to a direction. Iam worn out over the instability of the relationship and being shut out. He is not doing anything to make me feel he wants the relationship. I wanted to be patient but I feel completly abandoned right now and am not sure what to do. I dont even know if there is a chance anymore. I feel close to just telling him to leave even though I dont want that I would rather work this out but I feel I have no other choice becuase Iam full of anxiety and stress over this.

I even said that I feel he is maybe pushing me to be the bad guy and end it so he wont have that responsibility but he again says NO.

If anyone can please share their insights, thoughts advice anything with me I would truly apperciate it. I haven't been able to talk to anyone because he knows all my friends.
Thank you for your time and help!
[QUOTE=mugwump;4785068]Either he's insecure about his own interests and feels like he bores you, or he keeps bringing it up to score points against you because he knows you don't like his interests.

He sounds like my husband again (cynical, negative, sarcastic) except my husband is decisive. If he hates his job and doesn't leave, then of course he's not going to leave you because he probably doesn't feel that strongly in a bad way, and actually probably does care about you, even if he doesn't show it. But, if he can't buy a car in 4 years, I don't see any movement happening on his part. I can see why he'd be depressed because if he is always cynical, he can't ever tell himself positive things to get himself out of this. He probably is too negative to be able to focus on what is positive in your relationship, and can only focus on the doubts he has. Maybe he needs an ultimatum--either go to therapy with you and work things out, or give him a deadline when he has to get out...if you can't handle this funk he's in. He probably doesn't leave because it's too overwhelming, and he lacks motivation to do anything. If he can't find the energy to switch jobs, or buy a car, moving out and going through a breakup are too hard. So I think he'd rather stay. I think you'd have to find the therapist, and make the appointment yourself, and see if he'd go with you. If he doesn't go, then he's doing both of you a disservice. All he'd have to do is show up. If he does go, it shows he does think he has a problem and he really does want to improve, and maybe there is hope for your relationship. But if he doesn't go, because he's too defensive or afraid to open up to a therapist or doesn't want to work on anything, then maybe you ought to cut your losses because he could just suck the life out of you over time or frustrate you to no end.[/QUOTE]

So here is alittle update on my situation....I had written him a letter & emailed it to him this past Wednesday because on Tuesday evening I tried to talk to him about all of this and our relationship once again and what he plans to do because I cannot live in limbo anymore and he got frustrated and began to blow up as he has been doing more and more now. The conversation litterlly was less than 10 mins if that. So I said ok we are done talking if you are going to blow up like this...and went off to bed.

In my letter I told him that the way he yells at me now is unacetable and I do not deserve that and Iam only trying to figure out what is going on here and that I would not treat him this way and I also told him that I feel abandoned and rejected and all the things I was feeling. I also told him since he will not have a successful conversation with me and he clearly won't be honest about what he is feeling that I will eventually need to make the decision for him and I also told him that by writting him it was the only way I could try to comunicate my feelings and questions without being abruptly cut off or yelled at by him.

Of course there was zero response and that night he got home (Wed) we didn't even see each other he never came by me to even say hello and I stayed in my room and eventually just went to sleep.

After I sent the email and over the last couple of days I really began to think about all of this along with the advice I have been receiving on here and have realized that I can only be in control of me and my happiness. So yesterday I sort of felt a part of me shift kinda like an acceptance that if he can't be honest with me or get help or put forth effort in our relationship any longer than I need to let him go. Especially after the repeated talks, 2 other letters and my reaching out over and over with no result espcially since knowing the things I said about how long he takes to decide on things I do realize as you said he most likley would never probably leave the situation but he would defintely continue to live seperated as we are right now because that feels safe to him and I defintaly will not accept that as long term.

So I was minding my own business in my room reading and he came to the doorway after he had been home about an hour (he looked alittle stressed in his face) and he said he wanted to apoligize to me for yelling at me the other night when I tried to talk to him and that he is just feeling frustrated. I said to him very calmly and looked him in the eyes and said I know this is frustrating but you keep yelling more and more and still nothing is changing and I really think you will be better off to leave and go on your way because I don't know what else I can do for you.

He kinda hung his head low staring off for a few seconds and said "thats not what I'm saying" and I said "Yes, but you are putting forth zero effort and the fact you are even doubting me and us is a problem that I can't put up with anymore" and I want to be happy and I want you to be happy so you are probably better off alone then. He then tells me he feels paralyzed and feels no hope. He also says that if I weren't in the picture or our dogs he feels he would just want to disappear for good but he followed that up saying but not in a suicidal way, I just want to disappear.

He said he has no motivation, can barely get up in the mornings. I then tell him again my feelings on that as possibly being depression and that he is deftintely stuck in a rut and can change his life and his feelings about life at any time by simply changing his thinking about things and try to be more positive. He basically told me again he is not depressed and that he cannot just be positive or get out of what he is feeling it is not as easy as turning a switch on or off as he put it.

So I still remained very calm and just said he obviously blames me for alot and that is not good and isn't doing anything to try to work on that or allow me the chance to work on things in myself and that quite possibly I wasnt the problem that some of things he was feeling were about himself and I asked where he thought those thoughts and feelings were coming from he just said he did not know.

I also mentioned his job and said that obviously that was a big stressor for him and he said yes it was, and that he hated his job (with great enunication)..I then asked him what he was doing about it..and if he had he been looking for somethig he could switch to and he said yes hes made a couple of phone calls and he looks but he doesn't feel like jumping through hoops w/ interviews and such to get a new job. So I basically told him he was emotionally keeping himself jailed w/ his thoughts he kinda got upset alittle w/ frustration saying he isn't choosing to feel this way he just does feel that way I told also told him he was the captain of his own ship and could make his life anything he wanted. He then just listened, stayed quiet then said he was going to make himself something to eat because he hadn't all day and walked out of the room.
UUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Can I get your feedback.





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