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Hi! I'am a "newbie" here as of today! For the past couple of weeks I have reading tons & tons of threads and have decided to reach out to others with advice on my situation.

My boyfriend & I have been together 12 1/2 years and living together for 4 1/2 of those years.

4 months ago I discovered he had a female friend who was a former co-worker and they have been friends for about 6-7 years and I have never heard of her. I called him up the day I discovered her and asked who she was and 4 seperate times he denied even knowing her said he didn't even know the name.

Then once I mentioned they use to work together...he then admits he does know her. Turns out she is married and both of them deny anything more than friendship. But I'am abit troubled w/ this and more so that he lied about it when i asked. He said he didnt tell me about her becuase he knew I would get mad. I was married before and that man cheated on me more then I knew so being that my bf knew this I couldnt belive he would lie to me this way or even hide a friendship. I do feel there was an emotional affair going on at the very least. However he will not elaborate on it.

For 2 weeks I kinda just withdrew and was muddling through all the emotions it brought on. Then I came to him to talk about us and the direction we would be heading to work through this. He said he didnt know what to do other then going to counseling maybe to get help to f"ix this". I agreed and he said he would look into it and set it up. The following week I didnt pressure him over the appointment but did inquire after the 1st week went by he said he hadn't done it but would. 2nd week goes by again i inquire, only this time he says he doesn't see how it will help. We argued some more and nothing was resolved.

I had been dealing w/ an episode of depression from October 2009 that had nothing to do with him or our relationship. It was over family (mainly my mother). So at the same time as all of this, I was switching medication for the depression and had a yucky time w/ it for about 3+ weeks. We then get into another argument only this time I explode saying somethings to him that I was upset about that were obviosuly hurtful and should not have done but it was done and I was also hurting from finding this out. Not an excuse but I feel it was magnified from my depression, changing meds and feeling angry towards him.

After that arguement he took a stance that I don't like anything about him or things that interest him.
SIDE NOTE: He began to play in a band at the end of last year. He was in a band early on in our relationship and at that time I did have issues over it only because I had never been with someone in a band and I had things built up in my head that made me very insecure. His band was short lived they broke up on their own and he has not played since until now. Now this time I have no issues primarily because I know the other guys they are mutual friends of ours and I don't have the same beliefs or concerns as the first one.

There is one issue though and that is that when this one got started it was supposedly only for fun just for them to get together from time to time to jam however, it has turned into a full blown band and they are playing shows quite abit. That part doesnt bother me, what bothers me is my bf has not said 2 peeps to me about any of this! I have just kinda watched it unfold before my eyes. I told him I felt hurt that he just wasnt even sharing this w/ me in normal conversation it's as though he avoids it. But the other guys will talk to me about upcoming things they have going on but he says NOTHING.

Now he says I have a problem w/ him being in a band and I have tried explaining where I'am coming from but he refuses to believe it. So now we are currently dealing w/ that as well.

So after the 2nd month I notice he has pretty much shut me out of all aspects of his life. We dont talk, we dont do anything together and there is absolutly no couple-like behavior anymore. He has also been sleeping on the couch since February.

Now the bizare things are that he will always ask if i want him to pick us up something to eat, yet we will eat in the same room but not talk.
He will also, ask via text message only if I need anything from the store such as Target and he will ask me the night of one of his shows if I will be coming but not mention them what-so-ever before hand. And the only minimal general talk is about our 2 dogs.

Very recently I did go to one of his shows thinking oh good he breaking the ice and we can begin to re-connect. Wrong. I went and there was barely any interactions together. I felt uncomfortable because none of our friends knows what is happening between us yet, I'am sure they see we are not holding hands, hugging barely talking which is not normal for us.

Being shut out they way he has done, and every time I try to talk it goes nowhere he has said he doenst know what he wants, he doesnt know if he wants to be in the relationship he says he feels bad about himself and everything in his life not just me and he said he needed space. So i gave it him, but after the 3rd month I approached him again saying we needed to figure out what we were doing because this is not healthy and obviously we were growing apart now. He really had nothing to say. Expect that he was still in a bad place within himself.

It is my belief a person would know which direction they were leaning towards now after 4 months. Either taking the steps to work though this or end the relationship. He will not make a decision either way. I cannot move out because my uncle owns the house where we rent. And I have told him that if he does know he isnt willing to continue this relationship that he needs to be honest w/ me so that I can begin to figure out what I will need to do becuase I wont be able to afford to stay at the house we are in on my own and I have also told him that I would prefer the honesty rather then being blind sided out of the blue.

The only respinse I get to that is mostly silence but he has said "thats not what I'am saying" whatever that means.

Im so frustrated that he wont talk and that he won't commit to a direction. Iam worn out over the instability of the relationship and being shut out. He is not doing anything to make me feel he wants the relationship. I wanted to be patient but I feel completly abandoned right now and am not sure what to do. I dont even know if there is a chance anymore. I feel close to just telling him to leave even though I dont want that I would rather work this out but I feel I have no other choice becuase Iam full of anxiety and stress over this.

I even said that I feel he is maybe pushing me to be the bad guy and end it so he wont have that responsibility but he again says NO.

If anyone can please share their insights, thoughts advice anything with me I would truly apperciate it. I haven't been able to talk to anyone because he knows all my friends.
Thank you for your time and help!

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