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Either he's insecure about his own interests and feels like he bores you, or he keeps bringing it up to score points against you because he knows you don't like his interests.

He sounds like my husband again (cynical, negative, sarcastic) except my husband is decisive. If he hates his job and doesn't leave, then of course he's not going to leave you because he probably doesn't feel that strongly in a bad way, and actually probably does care about you, even if he doesn't show it. But, if he can't buy a car in 4 years, I don't see any movement happening on his part. I can see why he'd be depressed because if he is always cynical, he can't ever tell himself positive things to get himself out of this. He probably is too negative to be able to focus on what is positive in your relationship, and can only focus on the doubts he has. Maybe he needs an ultimatum--either go to therapy with you and work things out, or give him a deadline when he has to get out...if you can't handle this funk he's in. He probably doesn't leave because it's too overwhelming, and he lacks motivation to do anything. If he can't find the energy to switch jobs, or buy a car, moving out and going through a breakup are too hard. So I think he'd rather stay. I think you'd have to find the therapist, and make the appointment yourself, and see if he'd go with you. If he doesn't go, then he's doing both of you a disservice. All he'd have to do is show up. If he does go, it shows he does think he has a problem and he really does want to improve, and maybe there is hope for your relationship. But if he doesn't go, because he's too defensive or afraid to open up to a therapist or doesn't want to work on anything, then maybe you ought to cut your losses because he could just suck the life out of you over time or frustrate you to no end.
[QUOTE=mugwump;4785068]Either he's insecure about his own interests and feels like he bores you, or he keeps bringing it up to score points against you because he knows you don't like his interests.

He sounds like my husband again (cynical, negative, sarcastic) except my husband is decisive. If he hates his job and doesn't leave, then of course he's not going to leave you because he probably doesn't feel that strongly in a bad way, and actually probably does care about you, even if he doesn't show it. But, if he can't buy a car in 4 years, I don't see any movement happening on his part. I can see why he'd be depressed because if he is always cynical, he can't ever tell himself positive things to get himself out of this. He probably is too negative to be able to focus on what is positive in your relationship, and can only focus on the doubts he has. Maybe he needs an ultimatum--either go to therapy with you and work things out, or give him a deadline when he has to get out...if you can't handle this funk he's in. He probably doesn't leave because it's too overwhelming, and he lacks motivation to do anything. If he can't find the energy to switch jobs, or buy a car, moving out and going through a breakup are too hard. So I think he'd rather stay. I think you'd have to find the therapist, and make the appointment yourself, and see if he'd go with you. If he doesn't go, then he's doing both of you a disservice. All he'd have to do is show up. If he does go, it shows he does think he has a problem and he really does want to improve, and maybe there is hope for your relationship. But if he doesn't go, because he's too defensive or afraid to open up to a therapist or doesn't want to work on anything, then maybe you ought to cut your losses because he could just suck the life out of you over time or frustrate you to no end.[/QUOTE]

So here is alittle update on my situation....I had written him a letter & emailed it to him this past Wednesday because on Tuesday evening I tried to talk to him about all of this and our relationship once again and what he plans to do because I cannot live in limbo anymore and he got frustrated and began to blow up as he has been doing more and more now. The conversation litterlly was less than 10 mins if that. So I said ok we are done talking if you are going to blow up like this...and went off to bed.

In my letter I told him that the way he yells at me now is unacetable and I do not deserve that and Iam only trying to figure out what is going on here and that I would not treat him this way and I also told him that I feel abandoned and rejected and all the things I was feeling. I also told him since he will not have a successful conversation with me and he clearly won't be honest about what he is feeling that I will eventually need to make the decision for him and I also told him that by writting him it was the only way I could try to comunicate my feelings and questions without being abruptly cut off or yelled at by him.

Of course there was zero response and that night he got home (Wed) we didn't even see each other he never came by me to even say hello and I stayed in my room and eventually just went to sleep.

After I sent the email and over the last couple of days I really began to think about all of this along with the advice I have been receiving on here and have realized that I can only be in control of me and my happiness. So yesterday I sort of felt a part of me shift kinda like an acceptance that if he can't be honest with me or get help or put forth effort in our relationship any longer than I need to let him go. Especially after the repeated talks, 2 other letters and my reaching out over and over with no result espcially since knowing the things I said about how long he takes to decide on things I do realize as you said he most likley would never probably leave the situation but he would defintely continue to live seperated as we are right now because that feels safe to him and I defintaly will not accept that as long term.

So I was minding my own business in my room reading and he came to the doorway after he had been home about an hour (he looked alittle stressed in his face) and he said he wanted to apoligize to me for yelling at me the other night when I tried to talk to him and that he is just feeling frustrated. I said to him very calmly and looked him in the eyes and said I know this is frustrating but you keep yelling more and more and still nothing is changing and I really think you will be better off to leave and go on your way because I don't know what else I can do for you.

He kinda hung his head low staring off for a few seconds and said "thats not what I'm saying" and I said "Yes, but you are putting forth zero effort and the fact you are even doubting me and us is a problem that I can't put up with anymore" and I want to be happy and I want you to be happy so you are probably better off alone then. He then tells me he feels paralyzed and feels no hope. He also says that if I weren't in the picture or our dogs he feels he would just want to disappear for good but he followed that up saying but not in a suicidal way, I just want to disappear.

He said he has no motivation, can barely get up in the mornings. I then tell him again my feelings on that as possibly being depression and that he is deftintely stuck in a rut and can change his life and his feelings about life at any time by simply changing his thinking about things and try to be more positive. He basically told me again he is not depressed and that he cannot just be positive or get out of what he is feeling it is not as easy as turning a switch on or off as he put it.

So I still remained very calm and just said he obviously blames me for alot and that is not good and isn't doing anything to try to work on that or allow me the chance to work on things in myself and that quite possibly I wasnt the problem that some of things he was feeling were about himself and I asked where he thought those thoughts and feelings were coming from he just said he did not know.

I also mentioned his job and said that obviously that was a big stressor for him and he said yes it was, and that he hated his job (with great enunication)..I then asked him what he was doing about it..and if he had he been looking for somethig he could switch to and he said yes hes made a couple of phone calls and he looks but he doesn't feel like jumping through hoops w/ interviews and such to get a new job. So I basically told him he was emotionally keeping himself jailed w/ his thoughts he kinda got upset alittle w/ frustration saying he isn't choosing to feel this way he just does feel that way I told also told him he was the captain of his own ship and could make his life anything he wanted. He then just listened, stayed quiet then said he was going to make himself something to eat because he hadn't all day and walked out of the room.
UUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Can I get your feedback.





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