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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4789958]I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Kat. It's awful when exes decide to hate their ex more than they love their children. I think all you can really do at this point about your ex husband is to take your so to a doctor and to a psychiatrist for an examination and have their evaluations entered into the court record and hope the judge will take it into consideration. Get a really good attorney who will fight hard for you and your son. I think it might also be beneficial to offer your son some coping skills. I know you want him to get along with his father, but right now, your son is learning toat when an authority figure is hurting him, or trying to force him to do what he doesn't want to do, the answer is to buckle under and do it, no matter how much it hurts him. His job is to keep the peace and make nice and do whatever the authority figure wants him to do no matter how wrong he thinks it is. This will not serve him well later in life when he has a professor in college who is treating him unfairly, or a boss who is a bully, or if he should marry an unreasonably demanding wife. Now is the time your son needs to be learning to stand up for himself and be true to his own conscience and beliefs, even if it means standing up to his father. It's not your son's job to keep the peace between you and his father, and it's not your son's job to appease his father. He has the right to respectfully say "dad, I don't feel right about that. I would rather do this." I think you can teach your son to be true to himself and stand up for himself and still respect his father. he doesn't have to do everything his father tells him in order to respect him. This is a tricky thing, I grant you. He's at a stage of development where he's needing to separate from mother and identify with father, at the same time father is being a turd. Another reason to seek counseling for him. This could cause your son to have relationship issues of his own when he grows up.

As for your s/o, I don't blame you one little bit for being angry at him for suggesting your son give more flowers to Brenda. What the heck in the world was he thinking? Messed up. If I were you, I'd calmly explain to him why you were so upset. "My heart broke because my son felt pressured to give the flower to his father and see it given to Brenda rather than me and you thought the solution was to force my son to further kiss Brenda's behind? Can you see where I'd be upset about that putting more undue pressure on him to accept Brenda, and why it would make me feel betrayed?" If he can't understand, support and side with you any better than that, perhaps it would be best if he stayed out of matters concerning your son and your ex all together.[/QUOTE]

Thanks so much, I really needed that support.... my s/o does need to stay outta tings, as his own life is messed up and he cant even deal with that, never mind getting involved in my life in that way...geeze....I dont know what he was thinking.,..he said..better to offer less hatred and love ..not the right time, nor place..what a dink..I am still so peed off at him..however if its truly AS he has, seeing my opinion might fail him...forever , as this is my experience with him..he holds tight..although at times he may come around when he really takes some time..
Your advice about coping skills is great, and I offer this to my son regularly. Last visit, he was brave enough to say " I dont want to hear what you have to say" after he made the comment about the inappropriate movie they were all watching..his dad said we need to talk now..they both said " No you are gonna listen, you need to hear this". He told me Brenda cried( which he also said looked fake) and said how they are always being blamed as the bad ones, and the dad said shes gonna take you away from me you know, thats why shes taking me to court..and then grilled my son about my my s/o, who owns the house legally, where do we all sleep etc etc..adult things..my son told me he tried to block out most of what they were saying, and didnt know what to do.. I told him next time. walk away..even if you are at the movies..they will get the message..I told them if they dont stop, then cover his ears and sing...I dont know what else to do. My son is a gentle sweet 13yr old and not a streetwise bratty kid, so these things do not come natural..he is also afraid of his father...yet still begs me to allow visitations. I told him I could tell the judge everything and ask for supervised visits, but he begged me no.. I dont want to also betray him..and I also dont knwo that if i do betray his confidence if it will assist him...my fear and his..is it will just get worse! Thanks xo





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