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Well, today has not been a good day. Yesterday morning was a little rough, but I quickly snapped out of it. I went out to dinner with a friend, then we went to the park to watch the fireworks and then went out after. I had been staying at my mom's house, and I'm pretty sure my ex had been staying at his friends' house. Last night was the first night I went back to my apartment and stayed. My ex moved into the other bedroom and we had to switch beds (the bed in the master, where I'm staying, was his, and mine was in the spare room). So, my friend came over after being out to help me get my bed made and set up, and it was really comforting just to have her there with me for a bit. My ex was already in bed by the time I got home. I managed to sleep ok, but then woke up not feeling good about anything. I got up and showered and was getting ready for the day and he knocked on my door to come in and get some clothes. His clothes and dresser are still in my closet, which he plans to move today I think. He was acting really awkward and uncomfortable with me. I tried to talk him a little bit and let him know that we can be friends eventually, but it's just weird now. I also tried to tell him to be aware and cautious of the fact that I'm a few steps behind him, and he just said "I know". That really hurt. I know he gave up on our relationship before I did, and I know that he let go of me/us at least a month ago (if not longer). The problem is that even though I know we're not right for each other, I didn't officially give up on us until 3 days ago when we broke up. I guess it just bothers me that this is all so easy for him. He's going on as if nothing happened, as if his life is the same as it ever was. Why is it so hard for me to let go and move on, even though I know he was wrong for me too, and so easy for him to do it? I'm so upset with myself for holding on to false hope for so long. Had I not done that, I would have been like him and already healing/healed. I just know that all he feels is relief, while I feel hurt. I don't want to be with him anymore, but I just wish he would at least feel a little hurt or like he at least lost SOMETHING when he lost me. He was so bad to me lately, so I think that's really helping me. I'm not crying as much as I usually do after a breakup, and I actually feel happy some of the time, so that's good. I guess I feel like I'm not really losing much. He wasn't much of a boyfriend (and not a good one) the past few months, so why can't I just realize that and move on and get over it all right away? It's so sad and frustrating! I want my normal, happy self back, that I left when I got with him because he always brought me down! I can't wait to find the guy that will not bring me down, but will keep me up and I can be that happy girl that I lost. I need a guy who will bring out the best in me, not the worst, like he did. I know you can't make yourself love someone, but I guess it just hurts my ego that he doesn't even realize what he's losing. I was not without fault, but I was and am making changes to fix things within myself. Regardless of anything, I am and was a great girl, and I don't feel I was a bad girlfriend. It's just sad that I could never really be the girl I wanted because he constantly brought me down. I do look forward to the next guy getting everything I gave my ex, and more, because I'll be happier and able to give more of my real self to him. My ex will never see that from me because I was constantly brought down by his mood.

Sorry, just kind of ranting. As I said at first, it's a bad day today. Yuck!

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