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Just need support
Jul 3, 2011
So here I am, yet again. 28 and another failed relationship. Feeling like I'll never get it right! Not quite 2 years after my last big breakup and I'm going through it again! This time my ex and I dated for about a year and a half. We lived together too. At least this time I have more support than last time as I actually went out and made true friends after my last breakup. Friends really can make a huge difference in helping you get through stuff!

Anyway, I'm still devastated. I knew we weren't right for each other, but I'm such an idealist that it's hard for me to accept. I see the good in people and I love them unconditionally. I know he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did. The past month had been really rough. We talked about issues we had and agreed that we had a lot of work to do to fix our relationship. We both had changes we had to make. I was making these changes and making myself a better person, and he wasn't. He gave up a month ago. He became extremely selfish and didn't care anymore. He was only out for himself, and I was out for him and me. I really was making changes and he failed to realize that. He also failed to put forth any effort into changing himself, so all the focus was put on me. He started treating me pretty badly the past few days, just ignoring me and neglecting me. We finally broke up yesterday. I was in tears and he just managed to sit there. Probably because he gave up a long time ago, I didn't. It just doesn't seem fair that I'm broken and he seems okay. The funny thing is, he wasn't much of a boyfriend recently anyway. He didn't do anything for me and I did everything for him. I basically felt like I was single the past month, and I did cry and hurt most days. So I think I already started the grieving process. I know it's for the best because honestly, I know I deserve so much better. I wasn't truly happy with him, and he wasn't with me. He's very moody, selfish and inconsiderate most of the time. I'm exactly the opposite. I'm typically happy, very thoughtful and considerate and really like to take care of my boyfriends. I know I need someone who can give those things in return. I really need someone who is happy, because I'm extremely sensitive and empathetic, so I pick up on the moods of those around me and they affect my mood. My ex just really isn't a happy person in general I think. It always brought me down too, and I hated that. Again, I know I deserve better. Knowing it and knowing I have my future to look forward to is great, but it still hurts like hell. I still lost a lot. I lost my life that I had. And that's hard to let go of. I miss him and I know I will miss him for a long time probably. He could be such a good guy when he wanted to be, but not when he didn't. I always tried to focus on the good guy he could be and how he could have treated me so well, rather than realizing who he really was.

We just broke up, so I was a mess yesterday and cried a lot. I went out with friends last night and was fine. I actually didn't even cry before bed, which is weird for me. I woke up today and didn't cry. I'm hoping that this breakup will be much more bearable than my last. My last was horrible to get through! I already feel stronger in this one (at least right now). I think part of it is because he was treating me so badly lately that I was starting to resent him. He was hurting me so badly every day, so I guess this pain isn't much different aside from the fact that now I'm no longer held in that pain he put me through every day. Maybe that's what he wanted. I'm still scared for the future and how I'm going to feel even in 5 minutes, but I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to focus on good, positive things and all the things I have ahead of me in life, like getting into my career field, possibly moving, getting married, having kids, etc. All of the things I want in life I know I will get when the time is right. I just wish the time was now and I didn't have to keep experiencing pain and heartbreak over and over again. I'm actually looking into counseling too. I talked to my friends and mom about it and figured out that I could really benefit from it. For a long time I didn't feel I had a right to go to therapy because that's kind of the field my degree is in (human services/psychology), and I might go on to grad school to become a therapist. So I felt weird going to therapy if I want to be a therapist. But then I realized that I need to take care of myself first, and most everyone can benefit from therapy, no matter who they are. Also, most therapists are people who have been in therapy themselves, and it's actually required for a lot of therapists. So I'm looking forward to that and working out issues and baggage I have carried over the years. I'm looking forward to getting happy and healthy and strong again, because I know I can do it.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you managed!

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