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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I am very much in love with my boyfriend of 4 years and our relationship has always been really intense and our love has never been a question until lately. We both suffer from drug and alcohol addiction. I have been sober for a year and a half and he has been sober 2 months. We decided it was time to get clean when I found out we were pregnant, but it wasn't quite so easy for my boyfriend.

So he began to sneak around, lie to me, blow all his money on substances making me feel terrified for our baby's future, deceived by all the lies, and extremely hurt because i began to feel like he didn't care about me and the baby. Then he started to get angry by all my doubt and hurt feelings and blaming me for his substance abuse.

During my 7th month of pregnancy, the anger and drug abuse had reached its peak. A tiny argument turned into him completely destroying everything in our apartment, the cops being called, him taken away to jail and us being evicted. So i was left homeless, 7 months pregnant and the father of my baby was in jail.

Thankfully, his parents understood what I was going through and helped me with an apartment. A fews days later he was bailed out of jail, but since the state believed I was in danger, there was a restraining order not allowing him any contact with me. He eventually violated his bail conditions by failing a drug test and went back to jail for 2 months.

A few days after this I gave birth to our healthy beautiful baby boy. He missed out on the birth and first two months of his first baby's life. I felt so lost. I felt guilty, depriving my son of his father and angry because his addiction was ruining our relationship and the happy family I desperately wanted. I was still in love with him, trying to convince myself that it's not me, it's the addiction and he can change.

He was released from jail and the restraining order was lifted and he came home. He has been clean since he got out of jail (i know this because he has been passing his drug tests) and has really stepped up as a father. The problem now is that all of this has left me feeling extremely insecure with myself. I blame myself for all of this (I know, it may sound crazy). He is starting to get really annoyed by my low self esteem and it's starting arguments, name calling and ends in me crying and feeling worthless (and thankfully during our arguments we both take our baby into consideration and don't fight in front of him or yell). He constantly says he's sorry and doesn't mean the horrible things he says and I should just get over it. He tells me not to dwell on the past and that I'm being selfish and just feeling sorry for myself. I kind of feel like its true though.

I am still so in love with him and want this all to work out. I feel like my emotions are out of control and once the bad feelings about myself start they won't stop. Why did this happen? He knows me as a strong and confident woman but now it's just a pathetic and weak version of myself. Will it ever go away? It feels like it's getting worse and I can see that my boyfriend is trying to make me happy but just gets so frustrated when it doesn't work. My baby and him are the two most important people in my life and without them I'm not whole. I'm willing to try anything to make this all work so any suggestions and feedback would be greatly appreciated!

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