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I'm new here. I found a post/thread here based on my googling "sleeps on couch". I read CKL's post "Husband Still Sleeps on Couch" and wanted to comment, but the thread had been closed. So I will respond here I guess.

I have a similar situation and can only offer my opinion on my relationship because every one is so different.

My husband naturally is drawn to fall asleep on the couch to the TV. In his case I believe it's a matter of lifestyle. While growing up his mom used to do it often so that's probably where he picked it up. I think this is very unhealthy. The couch is not as comfortable, he gets way less sleep and it affects our relationship negatively.

One of my favorite things about being in a relationship is sleeping together. I love the closeness, snuggling, security, bonding and intimacy etc. When I was single living in Chicago I longed to be married and share a bed and now that I'm married I'm just as lonely if not lonelier due to the rejection, resentment and loneliness combined.

He will say that he likes sleeping with me and he wants to but over all his natural behavior reverts back to the couch time and time again. Actions speak louder than words right?

We've argued this topic for years. We have been together for 11 years. The first 6, on again off again and the last 5 married. He says, "let me have one night a week to stay up and I'll sleep in bed with you the rest of the nights. How about Wednesdays I'll stay up." But every night it's me pulling. It's as if he forgets our agreement/conversations and he is drawn to the couch.

Often he'll say, "I'll be up in 5 min." and will fall asleep on the couch with the lights on. He'll promise...swear up and down that he'll be right up and I'll subconsciously wait for him; and he will fall asleep in front of the TV. Even at 1am he still won't just come to bed. So I told him, "if you're not coming up now then just don't come up otherwise I'll end up waiting for you."

I feel like I'm pulling him into bed and that I would have to do that every night. Only if he's ill will he go to bed early/before me.

So I wonder what he does while I'm sleeping. He's a pretty good guy, faithful, so I don't think he's doing anything but it still is very lonely sleeping alone.

We've also argued about which time to go to bed on nights he won't sleep on the couch. He said we have to pick a time. So we said 11pm but even that is hard for both of up to uphold because chores keep me up longer sometimes. So he'll use that in an argument "even you break our rule".

But what hurts is that it really seems like he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be with me in the bed otherwise he would do it. When I accuse him of not caring he swears up and down that he cares and tells me that I'm making the wrong assumption.

So his norm is to stay up late putzing around watching you tube videos, posting on FB then eating a ton of candy and falling asleep to the TV around 1 - 2am on work nights (we get up at 6am). And mine is to wash up and go to bed anywhere between 10:30 and 1am.

So no matter what, each of our norms prevail. If I want him to sleep with me I have to keep asking him, reminding him, bug him. If I leave him alone he just doesn't care at all and will be glued to the couch. There is no drive in him to come up and be with me.

So, exhausted and hurt beyond belief from arguing about it, I gave up completely for a while. I just went up to bed without even saying goodnight to avoid arguing. I know it won't change because that natural behavior is so embedded. If he hears me go upstairs he'll say, "good night honey, happily" knowing how bad it hurts me that he's going to stay downstairs. It's a manipulation to me. To act nonchalant about something that is a hot button; about something we've argued about time and time again; to just say, "good night hun" happily. It hurts.

We have other issues too and I've researched his personality traits and came up with: Passive Aggressive, Manipulator, Invalidator and Emotional Abuser.

I consider divorce often.

So CKL I feel your pain. I believe their mothers didn't raise their sons right. They didn't socialize them on being with a spouse. Mine too resented me for not being able to help with the kids when I was ill. He kicked my bed and said, "get it in gear" after I spent the night before throwing up. And another visit to the doctor where I had severe bronchitis and went to the emergency room he didn't touch me at all or ask if I was ok and complained about the medical bills we'd incur. That alone was almost the straw that broke the camel's back. I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum because not sleeping me is a deal breaker when combined with the other serious issues we have. Ugh.





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