It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Hello all. I've been here before to let things off my chest, so I'll do so again.

This is about my current relationship. I'm 21, he's 19. He's a great guy and all, but I've come to realize that he's.... what's the word I want... I can't think of one. I'll explain instead.

He is currently out of town for a friend's funeral, so last night we were texting. One of the last things I said to him was that I would be taking a shower in the morning. Normally I shower at night with him, but I was tired and needed to wake up early for breakfast with my dad and be ready so he could take me to work. Well, shower is taken right now anyways, I forgot dad showers in the mornings. Point is, my boyfriend first texted me asking why I was showering in the morning. Then, when I didn't have a good enough response, he called me at one o clock in the morning to discuss it. He asked why I'm showering in the morning, then said what was really on his mind. He said that when I shower in the morning, I usually get "dolled up", so I must be trying to get dolled up for our boss at work.

This really irked me. I went to bed angry. Then, because he asked me to, when I woke up I called him. I couldn't help but still be irked about it. When I tried to explain that 1. I didn't have to tell him I was showering in the morning. 2. I'm not going to get all dolled up. He brushed that off as me "telling him what he wants to hear." Then he said that his day has started off bad and when we got off the phone, "Guess I'll go have 'fun' at my friends funeral."

This isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing. In our relationship history, he has accused me of wanting to be with my gay male friends, having sex with someone and contracting chlamydia and giving it to him (he's my first sexual partner, and ONLY), and when some random guy at college told him he seen ME kissing some guy at 11 at night, he believed him because 'I couldn't prove it wrong'. I can honestly say I have never cheated on my boyfriend. But he is constantly paranoid that I will, or have, or something. Usually when we get into arguments about this stuff, he always pushes the blame onto me. I really can't stand it, to the point that I sometimes think about growing old and dying alone because that would be a lot more stress free.

He cooks and cleans and does all that good stuff. He's a great guy, but he's hard to be in a relationship with. It's like he looks for something to worry about and exaggerates it.

When we do fight about this stuff, as we did in the past about all of those other things, it is mostly him questioning me and me trying to fight off his accusations with logic. Sometimes the questions are so ungrounded that I can't answer them, and that makes me a liar to him.

We are both in IT, so his computer knowledge kicks in and he will look at my computer history sometimes. When things look strange, such as the logs showing that at 7:45 I was at this page, then nothing happened until 10:21, he will think I deleted all of the history between those times in order to hide something from him. We both deleted our 'social networking site' because it led to arguments. I never talk to any of my internet friends anymore because he gets upset and accuses me of either talking about him, or wanting to be with them.

I do have a past history with online dating, and I did have a crush on an older man once. He uses this to justify his accusations. It's like my past is coming back to haunt me, even though I'm not actually doing anything. In fact, everyone has some sort of past they aren't proud of, but it's like mine is used against me constantly.

He says that he isn't keeping me from having a 'social networking site' or talking to my online friends. He isn't. But if I do get a 'social networking site' or talk to my friends, he will probably just accuse me of trying to hide something from him. So I choose not to do those things, to make it more stress free. But this has led to me being lonely, because I can't talk to anyone about this sort of stuff that I am posting here.

It has gotten to the point that even when he is away, I do not talk to anyone. I don't bother, because every time he goes away he accuses me of doing something. I don't want to give him something more to go off on.

My question? What is his problem? And how do I approach this, because I know it will continue as long as I remain with him.
Thank you for all of your replies! I have read them all up to now. I will give a little more insight, as I feel reading my post from a different perspective, without knowing him, may have led to some wrong afterthoughts.

Indeed, he does need to see a counselor. We have discussed this in the past, and during our last fight at our college before summer break, the head of residential life got involved (a lot of screaming, etc. led to a 3 day restraining order on my boyfriend, me, and a gay friend of mine who unfortunately no longer wishes to be my friend because I got back with my boyfriend after all of it.) Now that may sound bad, but here is another perspective: The head of residential life was doing everything in her power to get us back together, which is probably why it happened. We are her favorite couple on campus. Which is funny because we probably broke the most rules without her realizing it, but being nice to staff always has its advantages. Anyways, she suggested that he see a counselor, and he agrees that he needs one. After one of our most recent arguments, I told him when we go back for the Fall semester that we ARE going to start going to the free counseling on campus, and he has nothing against that.

I have no doubt in my mind, though I could be wrong of course, that his insecurities come from his childhood. While I will not share his life story, he has been through a lot. He has trust issues, and he will admit that if you ask him. His mother cheated on his father, then took the children without telling him where they went. He didn't see his dad for 8 years. He was raised by another woman, who his mother then cheated on with- yes- a man that was supposed to be gay. I can clearly see that is where his fear comes from, because he has seen it happen. This man that was supposedly gay was also apparently very hard to get along with.

Yes, I know some of you are like "He's only telling you that to make you feel bad for him." But I'll go on.

The way he describes his sister, she was the only person that would listen to him without judging him. He could talk to her about anything and she wouldn't brush it off like so many others do. In my opinion, he does have some borderline mental problems (schizophrenia, of the paranoid type) as well as OCD. When his sister passed away (killed by a drunk driver at the age of 18), his mother and father received a settlement of $250,000. His father agreed that he would only take $25,000 if his mother split the rest between herself and the two remaining boys. This was for their college fund.

In the following year, his mother spent all of the money that she received on herself and her boyfriend. She also somehow managed to go $80,000 in debt. On the same day that my boyfriend was fired from his job, his mother's boyfriend kicked him out of the house.

I understand that some people may not look at this and be like "Oh, okay, I understand now." But I do, which is why I'm still with the boy. I don't think he's programmed this way, I think it's a result of his environment.

Then... the most recent conversation we've had on the phone today, he made the comment "I hope I can trust you." Which makes me think... wait, what have I done to ever make him not trust me? If he has to sit there and worry about if he can trust me or not, then I'm really not sure what I can do to make this relationship last, as I have done nothing to warrant him any suspicion. Besides that guy telling him he seen me kissing another guy at college, which was completely unwarranted and that guy got a load of my mind in the form of an angry text. He apologized later.

As for the showering thing, no, it is not required that I shower with him. I have seen him get unnaturally upset when I shower without him though, and I have thought that to be kind of strange. When we're in the shower, we aren't doing the typical in-the-shower couple things. We're washing each other with a scrubby and talking.

I have broken up with him around 3 times. Each one was because of a fight. The time he accused me of giving him chlamydia, the time I got to thinking a lot about the fact that he had a crush on another chick(he made it very obvious), and the time most recently when got really angry for no reason and proceeded to tell me that he wanted to drive off a cliff. No, I wasn't happy about that.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:03 PM.

© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!