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Here's something I wrote a few weeks ago. I know it's long, but I think it explains alot.




I don't know a thing about dating and have never even gone out on a date or held hands with a girl. And now I'm almost 29. I know I'm supposed to start slow, I do that, but nothing ever comes of it. Girls, especially older women remember me and seem to like to have me around, but women never flirt or show signs that they like me. This whole thing makes me wonder if I should be dating at all. If you wanted to learn a skill, but knew nothing about it and every time you tried to practice it, you got nervous and confused then had to write ten pages just to figure out how you feel then you probably wouldn't do it at all. That's what I do. But what's worse is there are no training wheels for relationships, you have to get on and then you'll find out if you will fall off. That means lots of mistakes, girls getting angry, possible slaps to the face, and public embarrassment. I don't know if I want to risk everything that I have going right now just to go on a date. Maybe I could be perfectly fine without ever being in a relationship, kind of like I don't know what I'm missing out on, so I won't miss it. How do I even know it's that good, maybe people feel they must be in a relationship because they learned about being in one at a very young age. So their brain is wired to go out with girls often, and they feel awful if they can't find someone. I would be the exact opposite, I was terrified in school, couldn't talk and wanted to go home, and taught myself to fear love and relationships. It is at the top of my most nerve wrecking things I could do to myself. So why do I still have an interest in it at all? I don't know, technically I should run away from dating as fast as I can, it combines all of my worst fears and brings up several psychological issues. But I keep trying in my feeble way to talk to women, and at best I have a good conversation. Instead of connecting with them I actually become nervous and distant. And when it goes good it just teases me, I get a rush of good emotions then it's over and I know it will go downhill next time. So the facts tell me I shouldn't even try to be in a relationship at all, but I may not be dealing with facts at at all. There's something that keeps pulling me in to wanting to be with a girl. I watch girls and am definitely feeling something, little things they do, like when they touch their hair, the way their leg is shaped, the way they walk in heels – balancing on that tiny heel, when they laugh, when they cross their legs in a short skirt, the little delicate jewelry they wear, the way they act totally different than guys, the way they look while putting on makeup, their bare shoulders, their lack of body hair, the way they are allowed to express their emotions easily. There's alot more, but I should probably stop.

So I just want to know if it's worth it, finding love. Since I have no conditioning for bonding with females I could walk away from relationships for good. I get my satisfaction from watching women through pictures online and tv. I feel I need to have a taste of loving and emotionally connecting with a girl. If I find love is really that great then it would really motivate me to go forward with dating.

I really don't want to hurt the girl's feelings. Since I don't know what I'm doing that might just happen. It's one of my worst fears in life to make a girl cry. Oh, and I almost forgot about sex, but that will probably never happen. Sex is something that happens only when a woman is completely into you. She has to risk putting herself in a compromising position and let all her guards down, and she has to trust you that much. I can't imagine any woman trusting me this much, they might trust me enough to date me, but not with her body. I think I know what sex probably feels like anyway. But I would like to lay down with a girl and see what I feel like. Maybe it might change my thought and turn on a part of my brain that I never experienced before. If that happened I might get to feel what it's like to be intimate with a girl. The way every other guy has no problem getting a girl to have sex with them, it almost seems like god wants to punish me. It doesn't seem real, a guy 28 and owns a business, talks to people all the time, is nice, treats girls right and isn't a jerk, can't get any girl to think I'm worthy or her time. Sometimes I forget that girls like guys at all. If a girl only knew she could change my entire life if she only took a chance on me, even for a week, or five dates. Girls only seem to give jerk guys this opportunity, and the irony is they don't even care, they just want to get her clothes off. Part of my problem is I respect women too much. It's proven that jerks get lots of girls, while nice guys are intimidated and feel inferior to a woman. This is why girls always say guys are jerks, they only notice jerky guys. Nice guys are everywhere, but they are not as confident and might just faint at the feet of a beautiful girl in a hot red dress with high heels and fishnet pantyhose. Why can't a girl give me a chance, I'm not going to hurt her, and she might just save me from my “ I need drugs and alcohol to feel anything” lifestyle. If a girl would just let me in, then I would know if I am capable of loving and caring for someone. I need a very understanding and patient woman to show me; how to be me. And to lead me to the passion that is deep within my brain. I'm not sure I can trust someone enough to be led by them through the deepest parts of my mind, but I'm willing to try.



Keith





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