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Relationship Health Message Board


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I, too, am in a relationship much like this one. There seems to be no easy answer. I, just like you, love him very much. He and I have known each other for 11 years but just recently started dating. We've kept in touch through out the years, always knowing there was a connection but never doing anything about it because the timing was wrong. Either I was with someone, or he was with someone, or he was living somewhere else, and vice versa. Finally, the time seemed right a few months ago and here we are.

My boyfriend also has some issues. He does suffer from OCD and has been diagnosed as clinically depressed, as have I, both years ago, but we've both gotten over that. He was also diagnosed split personality disorder as well. He has been cheated on in every relationship he has ever been in before me, so I know he has trust issues. He is also very insecure, due to baggage from last relationships and childhood.

It is not easy to deal with, I know. I am bombarded on a daily basis with questions about every detail of every sexual experience I've had. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done. I surrounded myself with a bad group of people who influenced me to do a lot of stuff. I was a victim of the "chameleon identity" if you will. I struggled since childhood about my identity, stemming from adoption. I've also been sexually abused and molested. These are all roots of my behavior later with sex. But this doesn't seem to phase him except when he's himself. When we are great and he is truly who I see him as, we talk maturally and he understands the reasons behind my actions and accepts it. Then very quickly at times, and other times it takes longer, he'll snap and forget everything and doubt me. He'll say that I was doing those things because it was truly me and will call me bad names that I won't post. He'll tell me that he won't touch me again or kiss me. Another frustrating thing is when he gets in his mood, he'll start with one thing I did that he is not happy about, then he'll go straight to another and just list everything I've done. He'll find ways to do this in different contexts, in turn making me feel worthless and truly feel like I was slut, even though I know I wasn't. It's sad because I want so badly to build a relationship, but it's being sabatoged by constant obsession about the past.

I've tried so many things to handle his moods. I've tried discussing on his terms, I've tried refusing to answer (which only makes him think the worst even though he knows all details already), I've tried giving him space by leaving the room or he'll go for a drive (which tends to help, but not all the time), I've tried distracting him, I've tried focusing on US and tell him how much I love him and the reasons why, I've threatened to leave, I've ignored him and just sat there while he goes to town on talking nonstop about it then it turns into insults. Nothing works, plain and simple.

I've left in the middle of his moods on numerous occasions, only to come back because I love him. I've even broken up with him, leading to dangerous behavior on his part. It scared me, so of course I went back to him the next day. He has also threatened to break things off because my past is too much to deal with. I've told him time and time again that he's with ME, not my past. Accept ME, be with ME! It doesn't help. I show him as much as I can how much I love him. I reassure him a lot that he is everything I've ever wanted (minus the past obsession) and that I want that strong man to shine. I've seen how great we are, I see it all the time. But it's tarnished by constant questions and discussions that turn into insults and yelling.

There was talk about moving in together, however I put my foot down on that and we are no longer planning on doing that, atleast not until things get better and stable. We've talked about getting help, but he thinks we need help because of MY issues (aka....my past). I think we both need to talk to a professional separately and together because we clearly both have dealt with a lot in life and we are not strong enough to deal with it on our own.

Maybe you two should seek help?? Especially if you decide to move there. Maybe tell him that the only way you'll be moving there is if he will go with you to seek help.

I'm right there with you and feel your misery. We both need to prepare ourselves that even though we feel breaking up is just not an option because we love them so much, it may be the only option eventually. We both need to think of our own mental and emotional health. We love our men, but we need to love ourselves more, especially if we're being abused.

I hope nothing but the best for you and him and hope you find contentment and peace.





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