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HI EVERYONE! I am new to the board, and have deep issues that obviously ruining my relationship. Try and help me understand..

FYI: Very tough and stubborn ...

Ok, so I moved across the country after high school all by myself, to continue my education. During my sophomore year, I met my present boyfriend through mutual friends. At the beginning, I really didn't want a relationship with him, and was very passive when the questioned came up. Before getting into this relationship, I was informed that he was in a relationship two months prior for about 3 years. GET THIS! It was his first love and official girlfriend. So pretty much things ended between the two because she was pretty much wild, a flirt, and possible a cheater. So he finally grew some balls and ended it. So with knowing that, I ended up taking my chances because I wanted a boyfriend really bad at the time. So things started off great.

So after about four months, money became tight, and I ended up moving in with him. Living with people can be difficult, especially a boyfriend, because now you can monitor the things they do. (NEVER, EVER been jealous or insecure) I notice that she emails, calls, and texts him randomly. So I requested that all ties be cut off. He agreed and even changed his phone number. So from time to time we would get in arguments and say things we don't mean.

Strike 1: During a heated argument, he blurts out that he still have feelings for her and wanted to break up. Later after things cooled down, he said that he did not mean it, and only said that to get my attention to let me no that he was serious.

So after I started to become a snooper, because I did not believe that excuse. I called the girl when he wasn't around, we argued, I would check her twitter, his phone, emails etc.

Strike 2: Eventually he finds out what I was doing and we start arguing, he calls me all these names etc.. Start to fight physically. I know that this was my faught mostly, but I refused to be played.

Now here is the biggie, My boyfriend oldest brother is engaged, and has been with this lady for almost 5 years. GET THIS, its his Ex's Aunt!! So the ex just won't disappear. Just all in the family!

So things cool down for a cool minute. I start to leave things alone, although I might poke around here and there, without him knowing, just because sometimes I get the itch to check things. Other than that, everything is pretty cool. So now, a year has gone by, and we began to debate on a particular topic. Somehow, he uses his ex as an example. While using her as an example, he says _____ is BEAUTIFUL, her whole family is BEautiful, just so BEAUTIFUL. So of course I am burning on the inside. But why? When he said those things, its like he had so much passion and it seem as if he wished that things he could of worked out between them or something. Never called me beautiful like that, when he compliment me, its always in a joking manner. SO STRIKE THREE...

People may think that I am insecure, Jealous, or whatever else.. Deep down inside, I feel as if he used me as a rebound, and he still thinks of her.
I can't get her out of my head. At time I even think of evil thoughts, like if I could erase her from this planet, maybe my life would be better.. SMH sad, but this is how I feel.:mad:

On the flip side, perfect boyfriend, hubby type; He doesnt smoke, drink and rarely goes out. Really respectable, but sometimes too nice.

Call me all the names above, but I beg to differ, cause if he ever speak with this person, I feel like she is going to suck him right in!!

So what do you think??
Well, dear.... this is how i see it.
A relationship is based on good communication, honesty, support and care. It is two character in one direction, to love means to let go. Love is not having and wanting it all, love is to see the person we love can reach their happiness.

First question. Do you both love each other, dare to give all the support, care and be honest and want to work things out? or it's just you? or just him? or you just feel that perfect boyfriend, hubby type; He doesnt smoke, drink and rarely goes out. Really respectable, but sometimes too nice, thus it's just too good to let go?

Second, Do you wish to have / are you in the serious relationship with him? or just a relationship?

Third, Do you think that he think the same thoughts as yours? have he ever said that to you? or you just know?

I once have this kind of relationship with a guy, which finally i found out that he was cheating on me to another girl, but not his ex. But, when he was with me, he still contacted with his ex, which i know that his ex told me that he said he is still single to his ex. I couldn't get out this girl from my mind, i think i was not jealous or insecure or else as everybody told me. But the end point is still there.. i think we just need a word come from his mouth that can hurt us, and he isn't saying any of it. Till one day, something made me realize that OMG, I just actually didn't want to lose.

This kind of feeling made us into something that is not love anymore. We just want to prove that that person deserve us, coz we love him. but hey, relationship is not working that way, relationship need a balance, yin and yang, black and white. in relationship, we don't have to prove anything, they'll see it if it meant to be. If that person can't see it, let's just take it as a bad luck.

For those question, the answers are, both love, both see the best and the worst, accept it, (not only one of you care, but the two of you care/support/honest with each other), both have talked about the relationship, both have mutual thoughts of how the relationship will be (is it serious one or not, etc).... the togetherness doesn't mean you have always be together.. but it's more to the mutual feeling, connection and thoughts about what is belong to both of you.

My suggestion, talk to your boyfriend about it. you said he is nice, respectable, etc.. tell him your feeling, your thoughts, ask him to be honest with you.. try to compromise, ask about what he feels, and what he think about it, if he just said it not say by his action..and you will got the answer, well after that the rest is your decision.. :)

Goodluck, dear. :)





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