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First, i apologise to peeps for this long thread. I just neally need people in this board especially to hear my story. thankyou.

So this is it, i have reached crazy. behond crazy in fact :(.
So i am an ssbbw lover, which is the internet term for a guy who likes fat chicks. It is an extention of bbw which means "big beautiful woman" and ssbbw means "supersized big beautiful woman" but, i am not here to talk about my sexuality, but I have fallen madly in love with a girl who is less than 200 lbs more than a year ago. My first impression was she is way too skinny for me but as i got to know her she had me smitten with her cute face, voice and personality. I love her and i want to marry her. For ages i tried to suppress my ssbbw cravings but it drove me crazy and i became angry, depressed and i hated myself for wanting more han i had. My girlfriend only suffered for doing nothing wrong and only being the one i really wanted. I tried to get kicked off here by taking out my frustration on inoccent models and members, cursing them for making me crave. I was really nasty to a particular member on here who i used to see for sex. I deliberatly did this so she would hate me and never want to see me again so the temptation wouldn't there to cheat on my girlfriend. Eventetually i started relieving pressure by masturbating to free videos on the internet and then started subsribing to paysites. I dont want this life anymore i must find a way to turn over a new leaf. I dont want to be attracted to anyone except my girl and never even think about other girls. I want to be happy and confident again.

Now i have really done it. I was talking to a girl who is big like 370 pounds and since my relationship is on the rocks a bit at the moment i somehow justified in my head that one affair would help my sanity and so help our relationship. I booked a motel room and met this big girl there for two days. I did have sex with her but i hated it. Is this really what i want? Why am i going insane over this? All i want is my girlfriend now and i regret ever making this choice. I am discusted with myself and now, she is strutting around the motel room in her lingerie and i am laying on the bed thinking of nothing but my girlfriend and how much i miss her. Can i use this new found discust as a weapon to fight away my cravings once and for all? Or should i do the morally right thing and leave her, because if she knew she would never want to see me again. But i love her more than anything now i know that. Can i not tell her, and a) live with the guilt and b) is it right to be that dishonest?

Now i just want to run away from the motel back to my girlfriend but i feel mean because this girl came a long way. I think i wont tell her, that is the most respectful way as if i tell her it would break her heart. I think this has helped me with my problem as I never want to look at another girl again so maybe i can look at this as a good thing and i can use this justification to nurture my guilt. Having said that, I know how wrong morally this is, and can i really abstain my cravings forever? I hope so. If my girlfriend knew i was even talking to a girl this way she would be heart broken, let alone sleeping with someone. And for that i am heart broken and truly remorseful.

I am really scared that my guilt will now blow my cover. I hope i can kick this under the rug and never let it surface. But on the other hand what does that make me? I am going insane. If i am going to pull this off i really need to learn from it, turn over a new leaf and start treating her like she deserves.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my concerns
I just wanted to add: It's incredibly selfish not to tell your girlfriend for another reason not mentioned... health reasons. You exchanged bodily fluids with someone else (even if you were 'safe' and used a condom -- that still doesn't protect against HPV/herpes, etc.)... and you're literally putting your girlfriend at risk by not telling her. You have to get tested before you even think of having sex with your girlfriend again, regardless of whether or not you choose to tell her (hopefully you will -- it's the right thing morally and health wise). Living with the guilt of cheating is horribly hard and eats away at you. If you unintentionally give her a disease/infection ON TOP OF THAT, good luck ever forgiving yourself.
If you love her as much as you say, you'll put her feelings and health ahead of yours for once. You'll look out for her, and not your own selfish desires (not trying to sound harsh, but rather realistic) this time. It's the only way you have a shot at rectifying the situation and making things 'right' with her and for yourself, as far as I can tell.

I wish you the strength and courage to come clean.

And PS. I agree with the above posters, get the cyber floozy out of your hotel room ASAP!!!!!!! Also, you might consider some therapy as what you are describing sounds like an addiction/obsession... something you want to stop doing but are compelled to and feel as though you can't because it has power over you.
Only you can know for sure if this incident is enough for you to decide to commit to your girlfriend. If yolu find wanting other women again, perhaps therapy might help. I mean, the "big girl" factor is not the most problematic part, I think. Lots of men have trouble being faithful to one woman for many many different reasons. But at the end of the day, I really think it's a choice. You either choose to stop looking and be satisfied with what you've found, or you don't.

I do you think need to get tested. Unfortunately, some diseases like HIV and herpes have an incubation period of anywhere from 6 months to two years. That's why 1 out of every 4 American adults has herpes. It's so easy to pass along, and it takes so long to find out you even have it. Unfortunately it can also be very painful, and it's incurable. And in the future, I think you need to work on, if I may be blunt, just manning up and taking responsibility. i.e. if you don't want to cheat with a certain girl, don't hurt her by being cruel so she'll never want to sleep with you. You tell her, thanks but no thanks, I'm in love with a wonderful woman and I don't want to mess it up, so you can't sleep with her. Take responsibility for the choices you make and how they affect your life, and the lives of the people around you.

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