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She probably does love you, Two by four, but is feeling severely neglected.

Cheating on someone or doing the text-somebody-else-for-sexual-reassurance doesn't mean you don't love the person you're with. It means you're not getting something that you need from the first relationship.

Now, the fault in this lives in both the cheater and the cheated-upon. The cheater, because in an ideal world, should be able to approach the first partner and honestly state what they need.

And in an ideal world, the person who ends up being cheated upon should be able to listen to those needs beforehand non-judgementally and see if any change in their own behaviour is needed.

Sometimes the problem is skewed one way or the other, but usually, no matter what people say, it is [U]usually[/U] a 50/50 split. Not sometimes, USUALLY. It's just easier to blame the person actively cheating because it's easier to articulate why the behaviour isn't favourable to the relationship. The behaviour of the danger-of-being-cheated-upon is a little easier to gloss over, or pretend it doesn't matter. (It does.)

You should probably forget about this guy that your wife is texting. Just burn the text message copies you receive and focus on - like what Larrylou's mom said - on your wife and improving your relationship with her.

If you keep looking at the negative (your wife texting another man for getting her sexual attractiveness quotient filled), you can start looking at the positive ("What can I do to fill that need?")

Having been a situation where I was tempted (and eventually did stray), I do not condone the business of cheating on a lover or a husband, but I do also know that it is not just the one person's fault. I didn't have the communication skills to state my needs to the person I loved, and when I tried to indicate what I wanted through other means (not advisable now, I know, but I was young and stupid), I would be passively rejected by the boyfriend (he didn't even say anything mean - he'd be like "I want to do something else" every single time. Never "Let's try that!" "oh, that could be an interesting idea" ... but the end result is that I stopped trying to put up new ideas, because he just wouldn't listen to them or acknowledge them. And that was the beginning of the end :/

I loved the guy dearly, and didn't want to leave him, but ended up doing so because of the lack-of-open-communication.

I would say maybe just instead of chasing after your wife like a hunter closing in for the kill (i.e. catching her cheating), maybe take a step back and see if there are ways you can make her feel loved and wanted, so that she won't need this other guy.

Think back to what really made her happy in the beginning of your relationship and start from there. Whenever she talks to you about something, repeat what she says in your head once or twice before replying, so you have a moment to really think over what she's said (and it'll show that you're taking what she says seriously). If she likes compliments, start simple - "I like the way your eyes look in this light", "I think you look really pretty in that" (use the "I think", it'll stick more).

Also, figure out if you still want to make this work - because you may have to take the higher and more forgiving ground to make this work - not bringing up the bad stuff over and over again, trusting your wife even if you might feel she doesn't deserve it, and holding your words back even if you feel like they should be said.

So ask yourself very seriously about whether you're willing to do that (and some people don't want to - and that can be a fair choice), but if if you're not, don't try to or say you're going to try, but cut your losses and retreat gracefully.





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