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First of all, keep in mind that my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and never had a disagreement or a fight.

This situation is still eating me alive but dying down a little bit every passing day. 2 weeks ago, I stayed over at my boyfriends house and he was working a 5 hour shift. I left my laptop at home, so I went on his to look for more info on colleges. I lost the website so I looked into his history to find the school. I couldn't find it, which is odd, and then all of a sudden I saw some names that were pictures that was porn. It's suppose to be a mix of funny stuff, like videos and pictures and whatnot. Occasionally there is pornographic stuff that you can look into but I didn't really expect him to go and look because I was confident enough that he wasn't into that. I trust him too.

Well, when I looked at what he was looking at, the enormous chill went through my body and I felt so nauseous. I had so many mixed emotions, I thought I was going to freak out. I was shaking and wanted to throw his laptop at the wall.The history of it went all the way back to at least March or April of this year, maybe more, I cried so hard. It bothered me a lot because i was diagnosed with Endometriosis in December 2010, and sometimes it does hurt to have sex and he's always concerned if i feel alright. just witnessing this, i felt like he had to resort to this because i wasn't good enough to do anything. as if i was boring him. All I wanted was to go home. He came home, happy and finally sat down to kick back. I said, "I want to go home now." He dropped everything and the emotion on his face froze and he looked really concerned. He kept asking, "is everything okay? did I do something wrong? has anyone hurt you?" I said no to all of them, even though I lied and didn't want to bring it up. i just told him, "just bring me home please?" he didn't move at all, still staring at me. he really wanted to talk about it, and i told him that we'll discuss this when we get to my house. we left his house, and on the way home he tried holding my hand, but if felt weird.

we got to my house and he looked so scared. i told him that i was on his computer looking for colleges. i found a page to request info on the school but i lost it so i went through his history to find it, but instead i found that crap on his computer. i asked him, "am i not good enough for you? i know i don't have a perfect body or do some of the stuff that they do, or look attractive. am i really that boring and a bad person to make you look at that stuff?" he cried so hard and his face turned red. I've never seen him cry like that in my life. he kept hugging me, saying he was so sorry and he'll never do it again. he said that he looked at it when I'm not there at night to kill some time. he said he didn't realize he it hurt me so much by doing that and kept crying, and i was crying hard. i felt like i hurt him so much by even telling him. i told him i would expect this from his friends, but not from him. (being a guy that he is, he's not like every other guy. he doesn't like fake anything) i told him that it might not be a big deal to him, but it is to me and it hurt so bad. He said he is so happy being with me, and he kept saying that's just pictures, he has the real thing and the real thing is me. he still goes to that site to look at other things but not that anymore. I use to go on that site, but after what happened, I don't anymore. I don't because sometimes the default pictures of the gallery of it will come up and it triggers my anxiety and obsession over it. So I just try to avoid it.

after all of this, WHY DO I STILL FEEL bad? I obsess over it whenever it comes creeping up into my mind or when he goes to that website when I'm there. Sometimes i feel like i want to go on his computer and see if he's still doing it but I'm not that kind of girlfriend. I'm not a crazy girlfriend who controls her boyfriend on everything. I'm afraid sometimes at night or even during the day when he's home that he's still doing it even though he vowed to never do it again. Deep down I think of him watching that and it raises the bar on everything in the bedroom. Like right now, I'm looking for ways to really turn him on and positions, and it really puts stress on me. I dunno if I'm doing the right thing. i dunno what's driving me crazy about this. i can't imagine him looking at this stuff and touching himself while he has ME, the real thing, to pleasure himself. i don't even know if he even touched himself while looking at it. i have so many reasons why i don't like this but afraid to even list it on here. Am I really that crazy?? Am I in the wrong?

please, my anxiety over this is horrible i need someone to help me...It's not healthy for me to obsess over it. If he really cried and hugged me that much and that bad, doesn't that say something about him?? Does that really tell me that he's telling the truth??

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