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I am 30 and she is 28. In my relationship I have had to deal with her being physically abusive and now I recently found out she had been talking to dozens of men off of craigslist and facebook. I finally got to see her emails and she was talking extremely inappropriately. Inappropriate pictures had been exchanged. She at times had talked about meeting up but as far as I can tell she never met up with anyone. This is the absolute lowest point in our relationship. The bulk or meat of this post will be the email I sent the therapist as a cry for help.

We have been together for seven years. We have kids that are almost two. Our relationship has been bad but it has gotten extremely bad. We started to go to a therapist a few months ago and it turns out that is the start of when everything went bad. Before the therapist a month prior we had talked about breaking up but decided to try and work things out.

We went to our first session and didn't get to talk a whole lot. He asked us what we wanted to work on and I said I want to be respected more and she says she wants to be trusted more. She had a "work training" in another city the next day. She lied and went off to another city and it had nothing to do with work. I started to notice things like her taking a pair of 4 inch high heels that would not be work appropriate. I called her work friend/boss to ask where she was and found out it was a lie. Confronted her with it and she lied up until I proved to her that I knew. She basically wanted to break up.

I basically forced us to not separate. My mistake I would probably be in a better place if I would have just let her go. The only way she could be out on her own is if I gave her half the savings account. I had personally felt that she was trying to destroy our relationship because she left that the money was an easy way out and better than us working on things. Another reason why is it was becoming very obvious that I thought she has BPD. I remember hearing about it on "Love Line" and thinking it fits her almost 85% perfectly. Now with finding out about the craigslist stuff I think it is a 100% fit. I didn't know about the sexual impulse factor before the past few days.

So after the therapist and us talking about what we want and her saying she wants more trust she lies and goes off to another city and I still don't know what for. She says she just needed time away. I wrote the following email because I felt it was rock bottom and I was so certain that she has borderline personality disorder. I get her to agree to go to another session. I am really hoping the therapist is going to help. He basically talks to me alone and says she doesn't really want to work things out and you need to give her space. He says he doesn't think she has borderline personality disorder. He said she may show some signs but actually got offensive towards me for saying I think she is. We left therapy and basically for the past 7 weeks we have been on a horrible up and down relationship coaster.

I wrote to the therapist as a cry for help and I probably spent almost 3 hours putting it together.

I could just break up with her because of her horrible behavior with the sex chats and pictures and the craigslist ad. I truly believe she needs emotional help. She has black and white lied to my face for two months now. Like thousands of lies. If I leave her I believe she would get joint custody of the children. I have a few emails saved from her sex chats and texts of her acting way out of line. I still think she would get joint custody and I don't think that is a good option at all for our kids. Now as I am writing this I am telling her the same that she needs help and she is telling me to get lost and she will leave with the kids.

I don't know what to do or how to get her help.
I'm sorry, I tried to read the whole thing but your post is really really long.

From what I did read though, I couldn't see any obvious examples of BPD. Could you maybe list them a little more clearly?

Regardless of whether she is or not, it sounds like an awful situation for you and that the relationship can't be saved. You should start thinking about what's best for the children now.
I did a bpd quesrionire and on 8 out of 10 questions it was yes. She has hit me. Hit my dog. Has irrational fears of rejection. Everything is black and white with her. She doesn't seem to have a counciois. Black outs during her physical abuse. Erratic mood swings. Depression. She said she is really embarrassed of her crude behavior with having sex chats with other guys off craigalist. A low self worth a lot of the times. Lying to where it was pathological. I must have asked her a few hundred times over two months what she was doing. Very emotionally descrucive. If I would ever try to leave and so something with out her she would become very upset. It would be like she would say I don't love her because I would want to spend time away from her.
Wow I need to talk with you, similar thing going on except my wife is incredibly hot and seductive, which makes it so much easier for her. Started a year ago with a online affair from chat rooms, worked into dating sites for intimate encounters and craigslist ads. We are married have a perfect two year old son and I still love her, even after all the betrayal, lies, and deceit -- seperated since october of last year year an going through the motions of divorce, albeit seperated with a back and forth situation while apparently still looking and seeing other men virtually and physically, which I did not know about until recently. I came to the same conclusion of npd/bpd diagnosed by me, but still confused as to what to do, even worse police have been involved now and to my own failings I have behaved dishonorably at times, especially this last incident with her in dealing with this issue. I love her, but have come to accept that in this state of mind and I must say it's like two different personas, we did not have a snowballs chance in hell. Maybe talking with you will help us both.
I sure feel for you, meshuggah

I think it unwise to try to diagnose someone else, or even yourself, based on an internet questionnaire. Behavior in itself is not a mental disorder. People with BP are not amoral. They do have remorse and a sense of right and wrong.

Your wife does not at all seem impulsive. She seems like a deliberate liar and cheat. Clearly she wants to leave, so you need to be proactive here before you get the screw put to you and are made out to be the controlling abusive husband and get your rights stripped away! You must stop trying to make her stay and behave differently. She doesn't want to do that and she doesn't have to.

You choose what you put up with. It seems you are hopelessly enmeshed with her. That you want her to be mentally ill and not just trashy, because you want to hang onto your own inner picture of her. But that is not who she is.

If one of you is responsible, and you are that person, then you do not just hand anything over to her or keep subjecting yourself to this and esp. not the innocent children.

Get an attorney right away and take legal separation action, protect your children and your assets as much as you can under the law. That is your only hope. Quit supporting her in her destructive habits. But do it legally and covertly. If she thinks she has something to lose all hell can break out, she can get an attorney and take everything from you.

Take charge and control over your own life for your children's sake! Get a high powered attorney and at least get a legal separation.

If down the road she decides she wants to change on her own, fine. At that point she should have to prove it to you. You can consider it then. [U]This is not that day.[/U] :eek:





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