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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

i was in love once. i was so in love i had no idea what life was before i met this girl. i felt like the world i'd been living in my whole life before i loved her had been some sort of sham. when i was near her it seemed like everything was better. i remember when i first realized i loved her. i was driving around, alone, and ended up near this really nice museum and thought to my self, "it would be nice to take kelley there. we could walk around and joke about the exhibits". you see i'm not really a museum type of guy. i don't know art or care about it. but even the most boring things to me were amazing when she was around. no matter what she always made me smile. it was at that moment that i realized that this girl had gone from being a co-worker. to a drinking buddy, to a friend, to my best friend, and finally to the woman i was head over heals in love with. she was my go to friend. everytime i needed to talk she was there. and that was the real problem. i'd fallen in love with, not only my best friend but, the only person i felt comfortable talking about that sort of thing with. i hinted about it but i could never come out and tell her. i think she knew but never acknowledged it becasue she knew she'd never feel the same way about me. later on i found out the girl who i told how tired i was of being alone, as she told me how she was also lonely and tired of being alone, had had sex with everyone we worked with except me and 3 other people. her idea of alone and mine were as different as night and day. what hurt the most was the new guy that had started working with us. i instantly took a liking to this guy. he was like a better version of me. he reminded me of me in the way he acted. in his sense of humor. he'd worked there 2 months and already he'd had sex with the girl i loved for the better part of 2 years. it broke my heart when he told me. friends i've been beaten up, hit by a car, got a hernia, and had 1 wisdom tooth taken out without novocaine but when he told me he'd had sex with her my heart broke and that was a pain more intense than anything else i'd ever felt. i therw him out of my room and drank myself to sleep. i cried like a baby. the next day i showed up for work late and snapped at her in a still drunk haze. when i sobered up i apologized but she wouldn't forgive me. i deployed out to iraq and even though she could see i was fighting back tears, because i knew it would be the very last time i'd ever see her, she didn't even say good bye to me. i forgotto mention that this story took place when we were in the military. her contract ended while i was deployed so i'd never get to see her again. i spent the rest of the time i was in drinking and not eating. the few meals i did eat were because my body was getting weak and m y hands would shake. food just didn't taste worth eating to me anymore. water tasted bitter. this went on for about a year. after that i quit drinking so much. i had to because it started to effect my motor skills. things didn't feel any better though food still tasted like ash. i dragged on for 4 years like this. until one day she txtd me!!! my heart froze. i had so many questions!!! why hadn't she said good by to me? Why had't she forgiven me? did i really mean that little to her that after being good friends for 3 years she could just forget me so easy!!??? she could ignore me like i never existed to her even though it was obvious how much it hurt me. i think the biggest question i had was "Why wasn't i good enough for her???" and maybe "why had she lied to me about always being alone?"

she didn't answer any of my questions. not with any answers worth anything. the truth is said even when every word you say is a lie though. i got the answers to the last two questions. i just wans't good enough for her. because i'm short and ugly she could never love me back..and apparently having sex with people you don't care about is the same as being alone to her. i don't know how she can say that though. someone to hold you just for 1 night. someone in your bed and for a few minutes wanting nothing but you!!! kissing you, smelling you, having sex with you and for a few minutes being with you for you. how can that be alone? the truth is she's alone now. but she can't see that she's alone because she chooses to be. there were so many people that would have loved to be hers and her theirs. the problem was that she didn't want them. i finally told her how i felt. i honestly think she laughed at me. because she wants what everyone wants. she wants to love and to be loved. but me loving her!!!!! the thought was so repulsive to her it was laughable. so here i am the better end of 5 years later still trying not to think about her. i don't know what the deal with this site is. maybe i'm supposed to ask questions but i don't have any. i just had to get this off my chest to someone.

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