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Dumped by email
Sep 10, 2011
At the start of the year, I moved to a different country for three months for work purposes. I was single and had been very happy for many years. So it came as a surprise when I met a man, started dating him and continued seeing him after I left and moved back home. I thought I'd give him a chance because he was crazy about me and I enjoyed his company. Even before I left, he had booked flight tickets to see me every two weeks for two months.

So we carried on seeing each other. He kept hinting at the "three words" but I wasn't ready to say it. I was taking my time, I was cautious because I hadn't been in a relationship for years and I was afraid. Nevertheless, two months ago, I fell for him.

Around 1.5 months ago, things started to change. He voiced his doubts about how incompatible we were together (and he wondered if this was a good or bad thing) and about the long distance (only 1.5 hour flight). He did hint that we should maybe break up a few times but always changed his mind mid discussion.

The last time this happened was three weeks ago but he regretted it, told me he loved me (I said it back) and booked a surprise weekend for us. We had the best time ever. He kept apologising for his behaviour. I told him not to, that if we just see how the next few months ago, no pressure, things would be ok etc. I told him, as long as we were friends who could *talk* to each other, no matter what the outcome, that he would never have to be sorry, that we should discuss things and be there for each other. That way, no matter what, we wouldn't end up fighting or hating each other. He agreed.

It was a great weekend. I really felt like things were back on track. We had planned that I would visit him in two weeks time (this week). He arranged a big party at his place as an opportunity to meet more of his friends. He arranged the date around me.

A few days after he left, I became ill and he called me to make sure I was ok, was fussing over me etc. Later on in the week, I had an important hospital appointment (cervical cancer biopsy). He didn't call me for days following this because I thought he was busy with his friend who had come to visit him. But that didn't make sense, to me anyway. Didn't he have 5 mins to call me? I tried to contact him but nothing. Then two days later, I received an email at 1am telling me that it was over, that his doubts are still there, and it would be dishonest and unfair to continue, that he didn't want to talk for a few days.

I emailed him back in the middle of the night asking him how he could do this when only the last weekend he told me he loved me. Then I wished him all the best, and figured I'd leave it there. I was sick of trying when things were ok my end and I didn't really understand his position.

A day later, I became very upset and sent him the usual post break up stuff - how could you do this, why couldn't you stick to what we agreed etc. It wasn't over the top, just a bunch of questions. Immediately, I felt too upset and vulnerable for a response so I sent him another message telling him not to reply that evening, that maybe we could speak in a few days. The next day, I messaged him again to tell him that we shouldn't talk again. Again, no response.

Over the next week, I kept myself really busy. Went out with friends, family etc. I started to heal slightly and I didn't want any bad feeling between us. I've never not been able to remain friends with an ex before. So I sent him a message telling him that I agreed with the break up and that if he ever wanted to talk, to feel free to get in touch. I just wanted to clear the air, tell him there were no bad feelings. He didn't respond to this message so two days after that I sent another telling him that I got the hint and that before I turn into a stalker (yes, by now I was starting to feel really, really embarrassed by the messages I was sending him with no response), that I would leave him alone.

I received a reply almost immediately, telling me that he had forgotten to reply to my message, that he was happy I no longer wished we didn't talk and that he was busy and would talk to me later when the dust settles his end, because he's really busy.

Later on in the day, I became very emotional and sent him an email asking if we were really over (yeah, I didn't get that from the way he broke up with me and not replying to my messages). It was a stupid thing to do. Of course, no response.

I just need some support as I'm going through a difficult time. Generally, I feel ok and I'm looking forward to my future. I have a job interview coming up, a new exercise regime, learning a new language - things are looking up.

But sometimes, I get so down about it (and end up sending him stupid messages). I don't know if it's because he's the first guy I've loved in years and actually felt so safe and secure and I let my guard up. Cliched, I know, but I really felt like I could have a future with him - he kept saying how he would move to my country (he grew up here) but recently asked if I would ever move to his city (I would have). Or if it's that along with the fact that he dumped me by email and doesn't want to talk to me. I've never had an ex break up with me that way- they've always had time for me, talked things over, and I've done that with anyone I've broken up with too. I think it's important.

I find his behaviour quite cold and has left me sending embarrassing emails the way I have done. I hope none of you think I'm a stalker- it's just very difficult being shut out.

I'm visiting his city for the day next week (I had booked tickets for this week, that party is tonight so exchanged) to see my colleagues who have work for me and to see my old room mate to pick up some stuff before she leaves. Of course, I have no intention of telling him (tho I did mention that I was dropping by soon but gave no date) or seeing him. After all, he'd only ignore me.

I should add that around 1.5 months ago, he told me that he has bipolar (but he hasn't been diagnosed, no meds). He's had two long term relationships (4 years each) and lived with both girlfriends. His last relationship (which ended a few months before he met me - and I did wonder if I was a rebound) was very dysfunctional and was very on and off most of the time. I told him I never wanted that kind of instability in my life. He said, not did he.

His main doubts were that we didn't share many interests. It boils down to this: he likes classical music more than I do (and I would go to concerts with him, if he enjoyed it, I wanted to enjoy it with him - I explained this to him) and how he thinks he likes to read more than me because I like to watch the occasional TV programme (in fact, due to my work, I probably read way more than him). I get the impression he can be quite snobby.

I realise these are just excuses and that the realistic explanation for our break up is that he thought he loved me, but didn't and/or he has met someone else.

And I guess I should appreciate that he tried...but dumping me the way he did and ignoring me, hurts big time.

Your thoughts and support are most welcome.

Thanks
Blackberry12





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