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I'll try to keep this short.

We met a year ago, started dating and have been dating ever since. We've been in quite a few arguments throughout our relationship, and I've broken up with him several times over things I see as being, well, worth a break up. But we always make up within a few hours.

The issue that I think really hinders our relationship is his trust in me. He checks my text messages, history on my computer, basically anything to see what I'm doing and make sure that I'm not lying. At first I tried not to let it bother me, and he doesn't do it as much or as obviously as he used to, but he does still have to do it. At one point earlier this year, a rumor came and went about me 'kissing' some guy. I laughed it off at first, but when my computer logs didn't show I was in my room at the time stated, he claimed that I couldn't prove the rumors were not true. This led to our longest break-up, which was around three days, as well as a school-stated restraining order on our campus because he threatened a friend of mine. He told him that "if he isn't lying, he has nothing to worry about, but if he is lying he will hurt/kill him." The hurt/kill part is disputed, my friend said it was 'kill' while my boyfriend still says that my friend shouldn't have been afraid if he were telling the truth.

Well that issue came and went like the rumor, but he still obviously has his doubts. He knows that I used to have online relationships, and I believe he comes up with scenarios in his mind of me meeting people online or conspiring to cheat on him with someone I meet on the internet. He still isn't comfortable with me getting on social networking websites, and at one point we both deleted our accounts through a 'mutual' agreement spurred by an argument he started with an ex of mine that sent me a message saying something along the lines of "Hey, how are you?"

We've both reactivated and use social networking normally again, but he still checks my history on my computer from time to time and pays special attention to any social networking pages I've visited. Now, he tells me that he's made progress, but I can't help but see when he doesn't trust me and it aggravates me to the point that I think 'will I have to deal with this for the rest of my life if I remain with him?' For instance, while watching him play softball I had to get up to go use the bathroom. I walked to the nearest open building on campus and back, making no stops between. When I returned, he was on the field shaking his head, clearly distraught about something. When he was able to approach me, he asked me where I went and whose car I had gotten out of. Apparently he seen me get out of a car, and that's why he was shaking his head. This really didn't sit well with me. He pulls something out of nothing. Most recently, and yes it is this simple, I went to use the restroom in his dorm bathroom. He went after me, and when he came out he asked me if I really did use the bathroom because the toilet wasn't making the 'flushed' noise that it usually does. He then felt my hands and claimed I had not washed my hands either. In the past he's gotten upset when I take my phone with me into the bathroom, because he thinks that I am texting people on it while he isn't around to see. This is what came to my mind when he asked me this, so yes I did get a little peeved that he was even saying anything. I did take my phone and purse into the bathroom with me. And yes, I did actually use the bathroom and wash my hands.

Because he is always questioning me, I've gotten into the habit of questioning him back about the same type of stuff. If he's on the phone, every once in awhile I'll ask him who he's texting or who he is on the phone with, or go through his history. Usually I'll end with 'Oh wait, I don't care.' I was hoping this would make a point with him, but instead he claims now that since I ask him who he is texting and on the phone with all the time and he has no problem with it, I shouldn't have a problem with him checking on me all the time. We are also together nearly 24/7.

Basically, I feel like I have no 'me-time', and I feel like I have to constantly be on alert in-case he accuses me of lying about something out of the blue. He seems to take my uncomfort around him as me not being truthful with him. I suppose maybe I should know how to act in such situations, but unfortunately I do not and it apparently comes across as me being a liar.

Maybe I'm not handling this correctly, but I don't have a guide to help me. He also has recently been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, OCD, and depression and has started actual treatment today. Also, and he'd tell you different from his perspective, he did some questionable things at the beginning of our relationship that I don't think I'll ever be able to let go.

To sum it up, he shared a bed with a girl he has admitted he had a crush on, and 'hallucinated' with her on some medicine they took. Afterwards, for quite a while, it was all he talked about. When our 'big money' was coming in, he claimed he wanted to spend a portion of the money on lsd to trip with her because she's a 'good tripping buddy'. I basically agreed to do lsd with him to keep him from being around her again. Now that I look back, I know it was a stupid decision on my part. And now when I mention it or bring it up, he tells me the 'trip' with her was a bad one. That's not what he said back then. I think what really bothers me about it is the fact that I felt that I needed to get his attention from her in that way. I don't think I should ever have to do that, for anybody. In hindsight, I should have let him do whatever he wanted and been done with it, but that's not how it happened. Now, after it's all said and done, it appears that all of the drugs he's done have triggered this paranoia inside him. I feel as though she got to be with him in a way I probably never will, and now I get to deal with the after effects. Not to mention the fact that she barely talks to him now that she found a boyfriend.

I guess a good way to put it- I'm confused by my relationship. I don't like how it started, because yes there is more that happened after that little incident, and I feel like I'm stuck. Any time I start to get over the past, or think he's improving, he does something to make me realize that this probably really is long term. I love him, but I'm not happy with him. I don't know if I ever can be.

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