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Relationship Health Message Board


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I have been recently married but have known my husband for some time before that. We are quite different when it comes to our social styles. He is ALWAYS socializing. Always on the phone calling friends and family you name it, let alone spending time with friends a lot and meeting up every single day and I'm not exaggerating. It often makes me feel frustrated because he can not have a conversation with me or spend quality time with me without having to call a friend for a chat or using his laptop.

On the other hand, I am a very kind and helpful person but honestly talking too much and socializing gives me a headache sometimes! We argue maybe once a month about this subject. He calls me unsocial. I have only just moved here to be with him so I hardly know anyone and I'm quite naturally a shy person. I have one friend which I like and I see her maybe once or twice a week. I also have other acquaintances I meet sometimes and speak to but other than that I don't have anyone else. Is it so bad? I think I would honestly say I like spending time alone, either watching TV, writing fiction, listening to music, reading working out etc. I am quite satisfied with being just how I am. Every time we argue about this it becomes a heated debate and like a clash of ego's. He says to me that I embarrass him because people have asked about me to him but I never call them back. I do admit that I am not the most social person in the world and I know I need to improve, I am a shy person but honestly I feel sometimes being around people makes me feel tiresome, uncomfortable and quite honestly BORED.Ii would much rather be at home doing what I like.

I would definitely say I am an introvert but when I am with people I am very smiley and talkative and willing to help anyone out, I'm not of those silent people who doesn't say a word and who's awkward. Is it so wrong just wanting to have time to yourself and not wanting to make loads of friends? I don't want to make loads of friends because in my own past experience its sometimes hard work. Especially with girls. Sometimes they can get so defensive if you haven't asked about them or called them or even if you didn't do what they asked, or if you don't come to their little party or something so I got to the point where I couldn't be bothered.

Sometimes, I do feel down however I have been quite stressed lately about a family illness etc and to meet people I have to constantly put on this face which is fake, that's why I get tired so I would much rather just be alone. Is this wrong?
You sound very similar to me. I've learned that actually it's just fine to be the person you are. Just because you don't want or need to 'be' with other people constantly doesn't mean anything, it's just how you are and that's just fine. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

My husband is quite sociable, but we've learned to live with each other and allow each other to be the person they are.

If you're happy and content on your own, there's nothing wrong with that. I can so relate to what you said about having to put on the fake face.

You and your husband need to find a way of living that suits you both.
I don't think it's necessarily bad, but obviously your husband has a big problem with it, and that means it's a problem in the marriage. You both have to meet each other half way. He needs to stop demanding that you be someone you are not, and you do need to make a bit more of an effort to at least be polite to his friends and when someone expects you to call them back, you call them back. I think you are actually kind of fortunate that you have opportunities to have people in your life who want to get to know you and socialize with you. When you get older you will be regretful if you don't establish some relationships with someone other than your husband and just one girlfriend. I understand needing a lot of "me" time. I do as well, But I have a little too much of it. I have some nice acquaintances from work and such, but I don't have anyone I can really call a friend. I had a procedure done last year and spent a week in bed, and alone with no one to talk to, no one to stop by and help take the garbage out, etc. No one to just hang out and play a board game or watch a movie and just keep me company for a while. Too much alone is not a heatlhy thing. It's all about balance. I saw a movie once with a very good piece of advice in it - "don't arrange your life so that you are alone when you come to the middle of it."

A couple of other things you should consider: your husband could be feeling pressure being the only real person of any significance in your life. That's a lot of responsibility for anyone, and it would be nice if you had a group of girls to hang with every now and again. I know it can be boring when there's that superficial small-talk kind of situation and there's not deeper connection on a real emotionally intimate level. But if you keep trying and keep getting to know people, and actually return their calls and be a friend, you might actually make some friends, real friends that you have things in common with. As I said, you're fortunate that you have the opportunity. I wish I did. And after some years of married life, I think you'll be glad to have formed some other relationships outside of just your husband. He can't be your whole world. That's too much to ask of anyone.

Also, I don't know what your husband does for a living, but in many cases, part of being a wife is taking on the responsibility to accompany your husband to business cocktail parties and dinners, hosting parties, entertaining bosses or clients, etc. It makes the husband look bad to his bosses, clients and co-workers if his wife isn't attractive, charming and social, and has at least some kind of knack for entertaining. It could be your husband is also feeling this kind of pressure. If you don't return calls from his co-workers or their wives, don't talk to anyone and just stay to yourself, you will quickly get the reputation of being rude or "stuck up," too cool for the room, etc. And that could color how they feel about him.

Talk to him and find out exactly what his expectations are and more importantly, WHY it's so important to him. Then tell him what you are willing to give, and see if you can come to some kind of compromise.
Sometimes you and your husband have to accomodate each other so there is some compromise. However when you met, you must have appreciated the other persons' strength such as introvert or outgoing. Each personality has its plus and minus. My husband is introvert but he is OK with people. He has communication skills so he teaches and etc. I am more social but I have some physical problem that makes me less social (my hard of hearing, for example.) Maybe at some point my husband and I share the quiet points.
Somehow your strength can make up for his weakness.

For you, since both of you are strong in each personality, I would not say it is wrong. I know you draw the strength from being introvert as being outgoing drains your energy. For your husband, he gets more energy by being social. (I learned this in a business course.)

However, since you married each other, you may need to accomodate him, e.g., go to some party with him, not all the parties. He needs to know you like to be quiet. Nothing is wrong. You guys just have different personalities. A good scenario is that your strength can make up for his weakness and vice versa.

Good luck,
Nina
Not at all.
Remember, you must just be the person you are. It's no good trying to be someone else, or behaving differently just to please your husband.

The most important person in your life is you. Make sure you are happy and content. That way you will be a happy person for your husband and, most importantly, for yourself.

It doesn't work if you try and be someone else. Introverts are cool people, there's nothing wrong with them.





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