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I don’t know if I necessarily choose them or if the choose me. I literally went the first 18 years of my life with out a date --in part because my parents were so strict, but guys just didn’t ask me out. I was just very shy and quiet. This is the only type of guy that has ever shown an interest in me.

I don’t think I need therapy to tell me why I have low self esteem. I already know the reasons, and I think my dad is a big part of it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my father very much… but he is a very controlling person, and he used to have a bad temper (he has really mellowed out with age). My parents fought a lot when I was a kid-- however, as I got older I began to realize that it wasn’t so much that my parents were fighting, it was more that my dad was yelling at my mom. His food wasn’t warm enough or didn’t taste right. She didn’t load the dishwasher up to his standards, or she did "something on purpose" to make him mad. He would yell and yell and tell her how stupid that she is, and she never could say anything to win with him. This is really all I knew growing up. I secretly wished that my parents would get divorced, and when I was a kid I didn’t ever want to get married because the “dad was always yelling and ruining everything.

I felt my dad overreacted a lot. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 18 because my dad yelled at me so much when I was learning how to drive that I became extremely nervous behind the wheel. I just don’t learn that way, he would yell and tell me that I was stupid, but he wouldn’t tell me what I was doing wrong, and if I asked him he would just yell some more…

He was just very irrational. Here is an example. One time I was taking something out of the oven, and I had on these big oversized oven mitts. The very corner of the mitt touched the hot part of the oven and it made a singeing sound, to which I said “Oh, that scared me.” His reply was, “You know what scares… that you didn’t know that was hot.” Well of course I knew that was hot… that was why I had on oven mitts… and I tried to explain that to him, but he wouldn’t listen. He told me that I was making excuses and walked away.

My dad is also the type of guy to hide away in a “man cave.” He eats his supper in his bedroom in front of the TV. This is jus how it always was and still is. However, my husband isn’t as bad as my father. He doesn’t tell me that I’m stupid or get angry over stupid little things… but I still worry now that I have married a man that is similar to my father in some ways, and I knew that that was something I never wanted to happen.

I just feel so alone. And, yes, my husbands not spending time with me was an issue for a long time, but then he got better, and I thought that after we were married that it would get even better yet since we would be in the same house. I however, was completely blindsided by the amount of time he spends playing video games. I had no idea -- I guess I was really stupid.

I guess from a young age I always knew that I would have to be strong and go through life alone, but I had forgotten up until now. So, I just tell myself to be strong. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with hobbies and things that I like to do. I just wish that he would share in those things with me and get out of his man cave. And he is not all bad… I know that he loves me, and that he would never cheat on me, and that he would never abuse me…

All that I know of men is that they are all very selfish creatures, and I find it hard to believe that there are ones out there that are not... It is all I know.





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