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He's disappeared...
Oct 30, 2011
hi all, i really, really need some help here. i just don't know what to do, although it seems there's nothing i can do for the moment. i also don't know where to turn for comfort, other than sleep. for those who don't want to read details: my boyfriend has disappeared without a word and no one knows where he is. supposedly.

i've been with my boyfriend on and off for around 6 years, friends for 7. he is 25 and i am 24, and he often mentions marriage/kids when we're more financially stable. we've had amazing times together, but also some terrible times because he can be verbally abusive and insensitive. he feels he is bi-polar, but never diagnosed (and i kind of doubt it, i think he likes to claim that when he realizes how much of a jerk he can be). he is taking Paxil for anxiety. i am also medication for anxiety, depression and PTSD. i am prone to anxiety and have abandonment/trust issues which i have been trying to worth through (without much luck, due to this). i am the survivor of a suicide attempt earlier this year, which led to my diagnosis and treatment.

so things have been good lately, we've been practically living together. if he's not at my house, he stays with his parents to save up money. their house is also closer to where he works (i live an hour away). he's been affectionate and our sex life is good. so on Thursday, he told me that his already damaged windshield shattered and he wanted to get it repaired before he came back here. he said he called Safelite but they would come to his jobsite the next day. so that night, he was "dragged" to a strip club then a bar by his co-workers and supervisor, and literally drank all night. i figured out early he was at a party or bar because he called me and all i heard was blaring garbled music in the background. that went on for a minute, then the call dropped.

he called me a few more times, but i didn't want to talk. i am just a jealous and insecure person, and i am not in a stable time in my life (i told him earlier in the week that i needed stability to help me recover). i didn't want him to hear the hurt in my voice and ruin his time. but i was already wondering if the windshield thing was a lie. he sent texts about how much he missed me, etc. he called at around 3am and i answered, and he was very drunk. he told me about how he went to a strip club and drank heavily, and he kept asking me not to be mad, it wasn't his idea/fault, etc. i was calm and just let him ramble. he also mentioned that his supervisor, a married man, had been making out with some random bar chick with big boobs. my boyfriend seemed horrified by this. when i made a comment about it being such a "classy" night, he said, "hey, i had the opportunity to cheat on you tonight but i didn't because you're my sweetheart." i wish he could've kept that to himself.

the next day, he called me A LOT. he barely slept and had to work, and he was very sick. he was also emotional and hypersensitive. i returned his calls in the afternoon, on Friday, and i guess he felt that i sounded cold. but i told him nothing was wrong when he asked. i didn't see a point in discussing it because it was over and done with. he felt very sick and upset, and seemed to be looking for comfort from me but i didn't feel any sympathy. he's the one who drank so much, no one forced him. he's a grown man and i understand it was a guy's night out, but he was the one who kept knocking back drinks when he had to work at 7 am.

he was very clingy and said he needed me to be there for him. he also said that we'd be spending the weekend together, to celebrate Halloween (my fave holiday). but he said he wanted to stop at his parents' house to take a nap and to have dinner with them. he was supposed to come to my place afterward, he guessed by 9. he never showed up and he never called or sent a text. this continued all day and night Saturday. he didn't call, or pick up his phone. i just wanted to know what was going on. i spoke to his mom, who said he'd NEVER been at their house, at all. i spoke to his best friend who also had no idea where he was (supposedly), he just said he spoke to him in the afternoon and he was going to take a nap.

finally, i sent his brother a text asking if he knew if my boyfriend was okay, i was worried. five minutes later, my boyfriend text "I am ok. Will call you later." but he never did and continued not to answer his phone or reply to texts. i spoke to his dad this morning, and he said my boyfriend never came home last night... how does no one know where he is???

i feel awful. i don't understand why this is happening, or how he could do this. he must know i'm hurting. i don't understand why he can't pick up the phone or send me a text, unless he is with someone else... i left him some angry voice mails and texts and told him that if this continues, i am done with him. i can't stand this! he's never done this before and it's tormenting me; it's entirely out of the blue. all i can figure is that maybe he really did seize an opportunity the other night and he followed through with it. he hides a lot from me and lies a lot (he will tell me he is at a family gathering when he is actually getting stoned with buddies, he has "secret" friends he gets weed from and smokes with, he hides how much he smokes, after admitting he has a problem with it many times in the past).

i feel heartbroken. it's very hard for me to be vulnerable to love someone as much as i do him and i am constantly afraid of becoming comfortable and complacent because i don't know when he'll turn on me and do something like this. :( i am extremely anxious and sick to my stomach. i can't eat anything, i feel like crying all the time. the thought of going through another day of this seems unbearable but it looks like it's going to be that way.

i'm sorry this is so long. it's hard for me to talk to people in person and get everything out. i feel powerless. :(

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