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Hi everyone,

I'm with my girlfriend for 2,5 years, she is 28. We were working in the same office and we started to flirt there in the beginning. The point is she had a boyfriend at that time. We didn't have any sexual closeness or something beyond flirting. When it came to getting closer, she left her boyfriend and our relationship began. I knew that she couldn't find a long relationship which she was seeking for. If her relationship is excluded in her 17, she didn't have a relationship longer than 1-2 months. So I decided not to learn anything about her past. However, when I was talking to a guy from our company on phone, she picked up the phone from me and talked with that guy for 20 mins. And she said that, he was one of his closest friends from the company. Later, I asked if anything happened beyond friendship in the past with that guy. She was so upset and admit that they had an affair. Since, the man was married she was telling everyone that he is her close friend with the thought of she can hide the realtiy with saying close friend.I started to have trust problem with this. While we were dating she had a boyfriend. These 2 details started to judge her past.

I learned everything about her. She had sex relationships with 15 people including one night stands. However she always insist that she only seek for the right guy. Sexual needing was never in charge. I had difficulties with understanding this. How can a girl define one-night stand as a seeking a long relationship.

I want to summarize the details which makes me difficult to get over.
The married guy which I had talked about was working in another city.
for many months as they meet in the same city they had sex in car, hotel room, toilet etc.

she also had some flirts etc. with others.
She was telling that, she fell in love with him and however she felt guilty in each time she couldn't stop this.She could marry him if he left her wife and propose marriaga to her. So I couldn't understand why she was having other guys in this period if she really fell in love with the married guy.

she had sex with married guy again. After 10 days, she met anyone else and started a relationship. After having a 20 days relationship, she went abroad for vacation with one of her friends. Since the boy weren't caring of her , she decided not to contuine with him. But as she landed , she took a phone call from him. After she decided to give a chance after returning to mainland and buy a present. However, she had a one night stand relationship in the vacation.
After turning back, she tried with that guy again.

As I said, she had a 1 month relationship before me. I wasn't the one which she had flirt.
I learned that, she had a flirt with another married guy. But she says they didnt have sex and they even didnt kiss eachother.

So I'm feeling that, she doesnt have a criteria. When she says that she is in love with anyone, she can flirt to anyone else even he is married.

Actually, I can't say that this is a trust problem. But i'm sticked with this in an obsessive way.

I'm judging her past. She regretfully had an affair with the married guy and she even cheated on him if we take this is as a relationship.

The guy was who she was accusing him with not caring of her also thinking she loves him much. He couldn't guess that she had one nigh stand in the 3 day vacation period.

What should I do with this and manage to get over totally
Hi

I think you need to understand this is who the lady is. If this bothers you or you find it not trustworthy, it's just how you see it and then you need to move on and leave her alone. It's not likely to change. For her to change she would have to see herself differently than she sees herself. It's about her not about you.

The temptation is to try to love someone enough that they will change. but we cannot change other people.

So decide what is acceptable to you and don't blame her or feel bad about whatever you decide for yourself.
[QUOTE=namethegame;4872358]. Later, I asked if anything happened beyond friendship in the past with that guy. She was so upset and admit that they had an affair. Since, the man was married she was telling everyone that he is her close friend with the thought of she can hide the realtiy with saying close friend.I started to have trust problem with this. While we were dating she had a boyfriend. [/QUOTE]

I'm not really understanding this part very clearly. Do you mean that she had an affair with this friend from work AND she also was having sex with some other guy when YOU were dating her? Or do you mean that BEFORE she met you, she had sex with the friend from work, and stopped having sex with him but maintained a friendship with him, and because she had sex with him BEFORE and maintained a friendship with him you are calling that "having a boyfriend while" dating you? One is bad, the other, not quite so much.

But all in all, this girl seems to be a bit flighty, and in my opinion, a little morally loose, and doesn't seem to have a lot of self esteem. the main question you have to ask yourself is, is being with her worth accepting her past? Until and unless she gives you a reason NOW not to trust her, it's not really all that fair to be untrusting of her, though her past behavior would suggest that she will have trouble making a solid, faithful commitment to anyone. This is tricky. But it's your call. How much do you value her as a girlfriend and companion? What is it about her NOW that would make it worth getting over it?
All of the details I gave was before me. The point is their relationship was such a f.ckbuddy type even her expectations werent only sex. During this relationship, she had some flirts or other datings whatever.

We can add the second example on this. She's going to a vacation with her friend. She's complaining about her 20 days relationship and accusing her boyfriend with not taking care of their relationship.

She's going to vacation and telling herself that, she will not meet that guy again. However, as she takes a call from him she buys a present for him to meet him again as she go back.

After this, she's kissing another guy in vacation. After turning back, she again tries to make things better with her bf. so how can she kiss any other guy when she thinks that she loves him and accuses him for everything.

these overlapping datings, flirts, relationships etc confused me.

it's not only trust problem as i said before but these things make me upset.
It seems that because she did these things you don't feel safe trusting her. Not trusting her seems perfectly reasonable, except that you have been in relationship for over two years. So you should either let dead dogs lie, so to speak ,or else straight forward ask her if there have been any flirtations or side relationships since she has been with you.

That doesn't mean you have to break it off. There is nothing wrong with telling her that the past choices bother you. You could tell her you want to talk it over and give her a chance to explain how she looks at those issues now. That way you will learn if she has changed or remains the same.

You chose to stir this up in your own mind by questioning others, so you need to now lay it to rest by talking it out with her. You need to work this out between you and her.





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