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Relationship Health Message Board


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I'm married for almost 4 year (come December). I think we got married too soon without getting to know each other - dated 3 months. Currently he lives in Chicago for work while I live in MO for my work. He has a temporary 1 yr contract job. He recently emailed me back and forth and told me that he is unhappy, our marriage has been a hassle since apparently he didnt want a girlfriend to begin with (my mom and family friend set us up to meet each other 4 yrs ago), we hardly have any intimacy anymore, and our upbringings (him China culture, me American culture) seems to divide our opinions and views on things. His parents just left after staying with us for 6 months (May to Oct). He loves his parents and I'm expected to get along w/ his parents even though he doesn't get along with mine and tries to keep the interaction to a minimum (my parents think everything is ok b/w us). I dont see how that is fair. He is a good man and has treated me well. He lets me do what I wish.

The only thing is that we have zero in common (ie: interests, hobbies... etc). We are like complete opposites. He also is not able to or wants to be together w/ my parents (ie: holidays... etc). Lastly, his only plan for the future is that he wants his parents to live w/ him.

So, I dont see myself in his future. I'm not sure whether he cares about me anymore. He asked me that I should think if an ABC (American Born Chinese) is better suited to fit my habits/culture. It hurts deeply because as much as I think we might be better off divorced, I still care and love him. He said in the same email thread after saying all the things that make him unhappy and how being in Chicago makes him happy and "relieved", he said "I think you should figure out the point. If you don't know, I can give you a hint..."

Is he just waiting for me to say "let's get a divorce"? He says he does not want to talk about family or future and wants to focus on his research and work. The more he thinks about family and future, the more disappointed he is. Btw, we do not have kids. A couple days before this email thread, he said he could come down for thanksgiving weekend to st louis to see me. I said, it might be cheaper for me to go up there. He said "ok" and I booked a bus ticket. I feel like I should still go and see how things are between us. He will be going back to China over Xmas to see his parents while I'm going back to MI to see my parents. I was originally going to take a 2nd week to visit him in IL, but I cancelled that flight after he said he WANTED to go back to China... even though his parents just left in mid-October. I feel like he will always love and choose his parents over me. I just dont see the point in us "doing this" anymore, but how do I tell him that and how do I tell my parents that? Honestly, I dont care what his parents think since they are overseas and if we do divorce I will never see them again and they can hate me and say all the mean nasty things they want (I dont care).

My dad is a mellow guy and my mom can freak out over small things, so I prefer to talk to my dad about things first before my mom. Should I talk about this over Xmas break w/ my dad before I tell my husband? What should I do?





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