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Hey, I posted about my bf on here a while ago, but this situation is different, not sure if I can type this without crying and thinking dark thoughts about the past (as I'm trying to forgive and get past it, I know you all will be like wtf honey you're messed up for staying with him, but please don't judge and simply say -leave him-) Please if anyone has good advice or information about seeing a couples counselor, and if they have any idea how much it could cost, please help..

I met him four years ago in 9th grade, he was like in love with me from the start and we got together May of 2008. We went two years then he fell for this girl (I know I treated him badly for a long time, I know deep down it was because I was sort of punishing him for a pic he sent to a friend with his shirt off, and just other things girls he shouldn't be talking to) At the end of my 11th grade year. So he fell for her, I wanted to kill myself, then she decided not to talk to him anymore since he was like too obsessed.

Then me and him got back together at the end of summer and spent a couple months of senior year together. And this is just where everything completely was ruined. Idk how many girls he talked to and liked, but I'm guessing like 6 in 6 months. Last April we basically ended whatever we had left, but what I texted him "Talk to me if you ever want me again" He said that I said to never talk to me again, which I didn't. So he had sex with this nasty girl, not just saying she was the school slut because I hate her, but she really was. I tried getting over that, I kind of did... since me and him lost our virginity to each other, I thought it was special, but he did another girl so now it isn't.

So now we kind of worked on things this recent summer, he fell hard for a girl he worked with and it was the time me and him were working on things, he lied to me the whole time about her, apparently they officially were together just this last September 1st, like two months ago, and I had no idea, AND neither did she. He played us both, had sex with her etc. Me and him were official Sept. 13th, but obviously not since he was going behind each of our backs and dating both of us, but I could tell he was cheating, deep down, I just know I didn't want to believe it...

Okay, so all of this was found out at the end of September, me and his girlfriend (ex) talked, she was dumbfounded and so hysterically upset, and what did I do? Begged for him back. Telling him I will treat him how a boyfriend should be treated, not be mean and a crappy careless gf to him again.. And just like a month ago on October 3rd he said he chose me and he can't stop loving me even though he said he tried when we weren't right. And we were awesome and he asked me out almost a month ago and he was public about it this time, on facebook, pictures (unlike last time of course since he was cheating).

We were so good until like the first of this month, now we can't seem to be that way again, over stupid stuff too, I get upset he couldn't see me very much, in these past two weeks I saw him twice, he is in seattle like an hour away in college taking four classes so I know he is busy.. but I automatically think he cheats because he isn't seeing me as much.

I'm so paranoid all the time I don't know what to do. I feel sick, I get physically sick and cry myself to sleep when we aren't okay. Even when we are I have in the back of my mind he is cheating, but I try to reassure myself saying okay it says we are on facebook for everyone he knows to see, I have all our pictures up and he tagged himself.

I'm just so scared I don't know what to do... It's awful. Today he told me he spent most of his day talking to a therapist, about "stuff" he wouldn't tell me. So naturally I'm crying now thinking the therapist is telling him we should break up. I told him I'm seeing him tomorrow so we can have a heart to heart talk since we never do in person.

My question.. is it too soon to ask about who and why he played me and that girl? I need to know everything, when I found out he was bawling saying he should kill himself because he's so awful and said I don't deserve him, I told him he was awful and He doesn't deserve me but he CAN some day. I read about cheating, if they don't feel bad about it then dump them, but if they're truly sorry and feel so awful about it then there might be a chance..
Do we need professional help?
Can we be okay some day? He wants to marry me, he said he can't wait to have a job again so he can buy me everything I could ever want (he said that last month when we were great)

Just when we get in a fight, it's so hard to bounce back and love, it feels like some kind of unnatural force blocks us from becoming great..

I really feel like I need to sit down and talk to him.. I don't trust him.. therefore we can't be happy unless I do. He is in Seattle four days a week, so me not trusting him makes me think he has someone else there he sees after school. I need to forgive him.. I just don't know how. We promised to love forever and not give up this new start we have..

It's just so hard. I don't like people, don't like being around so many, he is the EXACT OPPOSITE. He loves people, girls or guys, always hugs everyone, texts, has so many friends, loves going out in groups, he told me it doesn't matter if they're girls because he treats guys and girls equally and loves meeting new people and making friends.

And I'm sitting here crying worrying because he told me he's out with his dad and he'll text me later, I don't know why he went to a therapist, it has to be because of us because he said he only gets mad, sad, angry, stressed etc ONLY with me. It's the same with him. I think it's because we're so emotionally invested and really love each other that we know how to push buttons on accident and everything..
I was thinking if he saw a therapist (his family is pretty poor) then I could go with him to an appt. If I took him to one my mother would find out, and it would be very expensive for us.

The thing is, we can't seem to make it without each other, we've tried many times, but we always end up back together, then fighting (me causing it) and then we go back to square one. All because I was upset we saw each other almost every day to now once a week two weeks in a row because he said he has so much homework (art projects, drawing huge pictures, reading, essays, more art)

I really hope someone can help. Me and him need working on, but how do you work on a relationship? We want to live together so bad and marry, we've wanted to since we met four years ago. I also read if you were together for up to two years, there's a good chance you're more than "skin deep" with each other.
I tell him all the time I don't trust him, he knows that. He thinks I can trust him over night, or in a month, or a week. He said if I loved him and want it to work I'd push out all the bad thoughts, but I tell him I'm trying, all I can do.

I mean, I was awful to him in 11th grade, like idk why but I felt like I had to punish him constantly. He'd try to hold my hand, I'd move it away, he'd try to kiss me goodbye sometimes when I was with friends, I'd turn away, he took so much and I guess at the end of 11th grade it was easy to fall for someone else.
He is such a sensitive guy, he's the girl in the relationship I feel. I'm in charge, that's just who I am.

How do I act to him though? How do I not give him all of me? I thought I had to to make us work?

I know I shouldn't have, but we had sex a few times, but I made sure to only do that when we were officially a couple. He didn't see, but last time we did it like a week ago, last time we hung out, I cried after, and hid it.
I feel like we shouldn't until we trust each each other.. but then with my paranoia I feel like he'll cheat if I don't. Ah I hate life right now. Like I really want to have sex when I'm with him, to feel the love and everything, hoping it will bring us closer and gain trust back, but obviously no....

The thing is.. I tell him my worries, and I honestly think he's sick of it and that's why we fight. He tells me when I ask him that "I don't talk to anyone you don't want me to, I don't talk to anyone I had something with, and anyone that you'd feel uncomfortable with, only you, and my FRIENDS. I go to school all day, do homework, hang out with family, and see you, that's it" it's easy to tell he is getting fed up. He really misses how we just were like two weeks ago.
He gets mad when I constantly get mad and not trust him when we can't see each other as much.

I don't know how to calm my nerves. I'm anxiously waiting for him to text me back. I sent him a few after he said he went to a therapist to talk about stuff, and it was a bad day, and he said he's text me later since he was going out with his dad.
Told him I love him and I'll do anything to help us and blah blah.

I am so scared the therapist told him to end us, he listens too easily, if his dad says we need to end it, he thinks about it like he did years ago. Idk I'm so scared

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