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Please help
Nov 23, 2011
I don't know where to start, or if my story will make sense to anyone, but I found this website today and thought that maybe I could write how I feel and what I'm going through and find someone to talk to that might understand or listen to how I feel without judging me.

If I wrote down everything that has happened this year, from the start, it would take me a week, but I will try to tell the basic story. I met my boyfriend in March of this year, on a Thursday night. We spent the whole next day together, talking and both felt a very strong 'connection' (for lack of a better word), that neither of us expected, or really wanted. I had recently come out of a 4.5 year relationship, and I would soon find out that this man I had just met was still in one. Anyway, the next day, Saturday, we wanted to see each other again, so we spent the morning sitting in a cafe and talking. We were both exhausted, neither had really slept since Thursday night. We wanted to go to his house, simply to fall asleep next to each other, but he said that before we went there he needed to tell me something. He looked very uncomfortable, and I said it doesn't matter what it is, as long as you are honest. He was scared that I would be angry or upset with him, and I promised I wouldn't be if he just told me. He proceeded to tell me that he was married, had been for about 6 months, that she had very recently moved back in with her parents as he said he needed space and time to think. I was shocked, I didn't understand how I could feel something so strong between us when he was married to somebody else. But I thanked him for his honesty, and asked him what he wanted to do (in regards to myself). He said the he was very confused, but he would still like to see me, and that he wanted us to go home to his house. I agreed, on the terms that if I ever came between him and his wife then I would have to end it, as growing up in a broken home, I would never want to come between a marriage.

From the very beginning, he was very honest to both his wife and I, didn't leave anything out, never lied. There is a lot more to the story, in between when we first met and now, but a very long story short, he is no longer with his wife, not because of me, he and I said good bye to each other more than once, for him to work things out with her, and it always ended in him needing me again, or me needing him, he wasn't feeling loved or cared about from his wife, which was the reason he met me in the first place, if he and been happy at home he wouldn't have been in the position to meet somebody else or given anybody else a second thought but he felt as though she didn't care or love him, even though she said he did, he says actions speak louder than words, which I also believe is true. At the end of their marriage, he found out that she had been seeing somebody else for a period of about 2 months, and had lied to him about it completely. She said she had not been with anybody in any way, she swore to God and on her mother's life, but in the end the truth came out which really broke him down, because to be such an honest person is not easy, but he is always very truthful as this is the way he would like to be treated, and he really trusted her, only for it to come crashing down on him.

Anyway, jump to 4 months later, he has been living overseas for work, which is perfect timing for him, I have come to visit him, I have been here 6 weeks now. I was so happy and thankful to be with him, we had been talking every day on Skype, he has very severe depression and anxiety and it was hurting us both to be away from each other, as through the whole ordeal with his wife I was there for him, not because I felt i had to be but because I wanted to help him, because I loved him and also because I could see he really needed someone. Through his depression, physical illness, suicide attempts, multiple trips to the hospital, stress and anxiety, I was there through it all and I think he would not have been able to cope if I wasn't there.

He tells me that he isn't ready to commit to another relationship, has said so since it ended with his now ex, and I really do understand this. However we feel as though we don't want to lose each other, yet he cannot be with me because he needs freedom, space and time to grieve over what happened and eventually move forward. It is so complicated, we both wish we could put our relationship "on hold" until he is ready to commit but obviously this cannot work. All I want is him to be happy, to see him get better, succeed in his work which he is starting to really move forward in, and which will require him to do a lot of travelling in the next few months, perhaps even years. I love him so deeply, I cannot imagine living our lives without one another, the things we have been through I feel like nothing will ever break us down, as long as we keep fighting for what we have.

He says he is scared to love, scared to open his heart to someone again. Although I understand, this really hurts me because I have completely given him my heart, all of my love. He says he cares about me, but doesn't know anymore whether he loves me or not, because he is still confused. He doesn't want to lose me, he wishes he was ready and wants me in his life, but he knows he isn't ready to commit and says it isn't fair on either of us if he did because he wouldn't be able to give me what I need (in regards to emotional support, love etc.)

I just don't know what to do, he has a very angry side to him, no matter what is going wrong he will flip out, find a way to blame it on me, to the point where the traffic is terrible and we are running late, he will somehow find a way that it is my fault. He blames his failed marriage on me, his current unhappiness on me, tells me to leave him alone and give him space. My head is telling me to go, to let him be happy on his own and that if he comes back, he is truly mine. But my heart won't let me leave, is telling me that no matter what, that I should stay, that we have come through the hardest part and that if we keep on fighting that nothing will every bring us down. My heart is scared that if I let him go, I will lose him forever, and I know that no love will ever be like this one.

I am feeling very lonely, I have lost to good friends recently, who I thought I could trust but I have now realised they weren't really there for me, when they hard been through hard times, I was there, but now when I need someone they are nowhere to be seen. I have had a falling out with my father who I was very close to, his actions have really hurt me deeply and I feel I cannot trust him again, which makes me very sad as we were quite close. Being with my boyfriend has changed me a lot, I am only 19 years old, he is 28, and I feel I have really matured a lot, I have no interest in the things that people my age are doing, I still want to have fun, travel, experience 'life' before settling down as I know I am still very young and should make the most of all the oppurtunities at my feet, but I now feel I cannot relate to anybody. I am hurting, because when we first met, he was so loving, caring, affectionate towards me, as I am to him, but since leaving his wife he very rarely shows me any of this, as it hurts him to give anything to a person with the chance to get hurt from it. Yet, he has slept with other women, has kissed other women, and the picture of this breaks my heart, as it is something that I treasure so much between us. I know it means nothing with them but I can't imagine having anything with another person, because my feelings are so strong.

I'm not sure if this will even make sense to anybody, I have left a lot of the story out, but my feelings at the moment are that I really love him so much, I don't want to imagine a life without him in it, and feel that nothing will make me happy if I can't share it with him. I feel lonely, like I have noone to talk to, I have lost my friends and my father, and it is hard to talk to my boyfriend about these things because it is related to both of us. We are still in China, are returning home in two weeks so I am planning to start counselling sessions when I get home, just to talk about the way I am feeling. I don't know what to do, I am trying to give him love and care, but he says that one part of him wants it, and the other doesn't at all. That if he was ready for a relationship it would be perfect, he couldn't ask for anything better. Yet when he is angry, I get called names, he tells me he hates me, he wishes he never met me, that if he had never met me he would still be married (I tell him that if he was happy with her, he would not have met me in the first place, and would he rather be stronger and wiser, with the world at his feet, or trapped in an unhappy relationship?). I don't want to trap him either, I want to see him keep growing, keep getting better, to support him and have him support me, wherever we go. Nothing matters to me as long as we care about each other.

I am just so scared to lose him, but I want what is best and I want us both to be happy, which right now neither of us are because of the circumstances. If anybody could give some advice, or some kind words, just to make me feel a little better, that would be really great because I am feeling very down at the moment and don't know what to do, and have nobody to talk to.

Thank you for reading.

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