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Hello everyone,

For some time now I am going through a really hard break up, and I would really use some fresh advice in case someone has gone through a similar experience in any way, since I'm not sure anymore what to do.

First, a short (as short as I can) background:

My (ex)boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost two years. Things were evolving quite quickly from the very beginning, and however before him I didn't believe in things like love at first sight and such, it kinda happened with us. We both had that feeling that we've known each other for much longer, and everything was so natural, something we both never felt before. We made up our own language as a combination of English and our two languages, we were living with skype constantly on, so that we can have the impression of sharing days, organized skype dinners and leaving the video online throughout the night to be able to watch each other sleep. We even made a project together, that was supposed to give us the opportunity to finally live together for two years. And we lived together for two and a half months, where we (or at least I) managed to confirm that it was definitely IT. When living only on long distance, there are always doubts how it would be if we actually lived together, and those two and a half months turned out to be even better than I expected. It actually helped us understand each other much much more and deal with problems waaay better. It quite early became 'the love of my life' story for both of us and stayed like that for a lot of time on.

Problems started when he got a new job (he had problems finding it for a long time) that was in for seven months. Parallel to this, his mom got very ill (second time same cancer) and he didn't except it ever since. I did feel it strange that he is going so far even with his mother being sick, but I didn't panic at the time. She was still at the beginning. And he didn't want to talk about this. Personally, I've been through a similar thing six years ago, and I know how hard it feels to be forced to go through something like that and how much it changed my life. However, I couldn't be the person who will tell him 'Don't go, your mom may DIE, and you will regret it later'.

Between us, things were ok for the first three months, although he didn't even have internet there, and calls were really expensive, so we were talking every or every second day for 10-15 minutes, which caused some bigger distance, but nothing I felt irreversible. When we finally met, we felt nothing. It was awful, but I didn't panic. First, because it made sense to me after those three months (we didn't knew that there is no internet, and they were constantly promising there will be, so we always waited and somehow delayed all bigger conversations for when it comes), second, I felt empty towards everything at that time, his parents, his home, everything (and I actually really like them and I enjoy being at his home). I just felt blockade and I knew it will all be gone once we have a chance to go through those past three months together.

He didn't even give me chance. He freaked out the second day, telling me we need to make a break (which was a nonsense, since he was going to leave for another three months anyway), telling me how he doesn't feel love etc. I was very hurt and decided to go back home the next day, but instead of helping me pack, we had an amazing day with passion that I don't remember when we had before, and I stayed for another 5 days. These 5 days were sooo beautiful and normal, but only as long as we don't mention that evening of the second day when he said those things. When we do, things go back, and he was still sticking to his decision. And behaving completely different, calling me 'my love' and kissing me all the time, planing to cook together for his family and to go places around that he didn't show me and meet friends that I didn't manage to meet before etc. It was very confusing. I know it was very confusing for him also, but I couldn't believe how much he freaked out like a little girl. (btw, he's 29 now, I'm 25).

So we 'agreed' to 'break up' until he comes back, and than to go together somewhere for a month or so to work things out. (Isn't break up the I-don't-want-to-see-you-again kind of thing?!)

These three months I used to focus on myself as much as I could. I graduated, worked on some projects and went through all the fazes and questions surrounding our relationship - is this it, why am I deciding to wait for him, do I really love him that much, am I ready to be with him forever etc. It came out that I am. I was finally ready for everything. I realized than that, however much I love my job, that I am - if I had to choose - more happy being without a job but with him, than vice versa. So I waited.

We talked very little during those three months.
I called him when it passed, he was in between flights to come home, and over the phone he told me that nothing is going to happen between us, he mentioned that project we did like something strange and unfamiliar (we were supposed to start with it in a month from then) etc. In a second call that day (THE SAME DAY) he said that he can't wait to work on the project and to see me, but that he wants for us to be FRIENDS. Couple of days later, they took him off the project, and everything turned around again, he was emotional and telling me how he needed the chance to start fresh with me without the pressure... I had a project going on, and I had to go out of my country for two weeks, so we agreed to meet as soon as I come back, and he will use this time to figure out what to do next and to calm down a bit.

When I came back, he told me he's going back to leave again and he was again cold. He was again saying contradictory things and behaving completely insane, and I had to see him and do something about it. We decided to meet for one day (his proposal) in a very beautiful place we always wanted to visit, spent amazing time together, he prolonged the hostel right away, brought a suitcase with him (I was always the one carrying to many things on vacations, he was the 'rational' one), but still, it was the same as three months before. Everything perfect as long as we don't speak about the problem. He was constantly trying to make things romantic (and we were breaking up?!), spending a lot of money on a dinner in a fancy restaurant and drinking expensive wines etc. But he made the decision. Only when I said that I love him too much and that I can't be friends or whatever with him and that in that case I have to ERASE him, he freaked out how he can't lose me, he was pulling his hair, telling me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, I'm the most beautiful woman he ever saw, he has the best time with me etc. CONFUSION.

But we parted, and I have no idea what to do now. He doesn't call me. I called him several times. It took me awhile to understand that besides this problem with me, he was running away not just from me, but also from his mother's illness. I tried to be there. I told him that I don't want to label us as friends or not friends, but that I'm worried and that I need to know is she ok and is he ok with it. But he stayed the same. Running away.

Before all this, he was insecure, but never so much to be considered a problem. In fact, he was insecure in terms I think we all are sometimes, enough to make me feel nice - never too jealous or making scenes or whatever. Yet, after we met, he was so surprised that I still love him and that I wasn't with another guys while he was there. It hurt, since we never had the problem with trust, and I never gave him the reason to think that way. Before he was mentioning how I'm communicative and easy to meet new people, but I never felt that he actually felt frightened on this level.

I don't know what to do now. His life is falling apart and for the first time he included me with the problem, not the solution. There was another very hard thing happening for him in Africa, so he had to come back. Things were never this hard on him, yet, whenever I tried to contact him, I see that he can't speak with me normally, that he probably thinks I want just to be with him. Which is true, but I also understand all the mess he's in, and that this is not a problem No1 in his head right now.
And I don't want to lose him for good.
I also don't want to fool myself that he still loves me, and to be in denial.

Right now it's been almost a month that we don't talk at all.
Couple of days ago he started being constantly online (he used to hide and be 'invisible' before) but he doesn't contact me. And however much I'm trying to set aside our relationship issues and just be there for him, I feel that I showed him enough of that and that now, if something's supposed to happen - he should make a choice and contact me. I'm trying not to be selfish, but also not to go to pathetic i-am-always-here-for-you mode, when he did break up with me, however confusing it was.

Help!

Thaks in advance

I.





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