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Relationship Health Message Board


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Insecurity
Jan 11, 2012
As most of you know, I was left after 7 years for an 18 year old last April. I am over my ex and the entire situation. I have been in a new relationship for about 5 months. As much as I am over my ex and do not miss him in the least, I have some residual insecurities from my last relationship and the things he did to me. I am very insecure about my looks, my intelligence and my ability to teach. I am very quick to assume people think I am not good at anything. I feel I have something to prove with the talents I have. If someone does not notice my talents, I feel like I am no good at them. I feel like these things are or have already affected my current relationship...

My boyfriend does very sweet things for me and I feel liked and appreciated, but he is awful at expressing his feelings. He is awful at expressing how important I am to him (he said these exact words, so at least he recognizes it). He is awful at telling me I look nice. He is so awful at these things, they usually come out incredibly awkward. This is what he said about my hair the other day, "Your hair looks nice today, it looks flat". Basically I deduced that it looked "flat" because I wore my bangs down, across my forehead. His compliment meant to be nice, but really I just laughed inside because it came out so awkward. Part of his awkwardness is what makes him charming to me. However, I crave attention and being told I am pretty, attractive, etc. Usually I just take what little I get or I am pathetic and hint at compliments. If I say, "I feel fat" in hopes to hear, "You are not fat" he says, "You are not fat and I am not doing this insecurity thing today" or, "You are not fat and I am tired of you thinking you are". He is already frustrated with my insecurities. That is not a good thing.

Next, if he is nice to our other female co-workers, I am incredibly quick to be suspicious. I just keep being reminded of what my ex did. He has been pretty chummy with this staff member of mine. She is young and pretty and fit, but not the brightest girl. He is like 14 years older than her, but being too young didn't stop my ex, so why would it stop him? I know this sounds irrational, but I almost text him, "So, you are so and so were pretty chummy today". What stopped me was coming here and venting.

We have talked about cheating and he says he has never been cheated on and he has never cheated. He says he would never do that, but my ex said the same thing...how can I learn to trust and to build up my self-esteem? How can I get him to express his feelings to me so that I can feel less insecure about us?





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