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[QUOTE=Scribbler128;4928801]Thank you so much for your reply, Linnia. I don't have any friends in real life who I can speak to, certainly nobody who has gone through the same as me so it is very refreshing and reassuring to hear from you.

Why did he cut you out completely? How long has it been since the break up? Did you seek any help, like counselling/therapy?
[/QUOTE]

(Um... this is going to be long)


I've been able to look at my loss somewhat philosophically now... but I'm glad that my past has helped you.

What happened, I was extremely close friends with a boy ("M") who lived half-way across the country from me. We were friends through the latter half of high school - two and a half years - talking on the phone every day, trading emails all the time, going to visit each other and we were very similar in manner and interests - people thought we were siblings! There was some attraction, but he always had girlfriends and so, for a long time, I sort of wrote it off as something to be felt in the back of my mind, but not to be taken seriously.

I watched him/helped him after two different relationships, and his reaction to those - he [I]instantly[/I] turned against a girl the moment they broke up - would treat her like she was the worst person ever, turning all his friends against her and making fun of her. And since I was his best friend at the time, and didn't know these girls very well, I would always take his side and support him. (This bit is the important bit later)

Eventually, for some reason, we both sort of cottoned onto the attraction we had for each other - I think it was a dirty joke one of us made, when we really had never crossed that line before, and we became a long-distance couple, with plans that he would come to my city for university in the fall.

I'm not entirely sure when my doubts started creeping in (if I went and read through my diary from that point, I think I'd be able to pinpoint a date), but at that time, I was very insecure about asking for/about things directly (I grew up in a family environment where asking for what you wanted really didn't go over well) and I didn't understand a lot of M's behaviour at all at the time.

Whenever I tried to fish compliments out of him, he would never compliment my looks or anything physical - he would always say "I love your mind" or "I love that you're so smart".So on one hand, I thought that either he found me ugly and didn't want to say so, or that he was completely delusional, because how could he miss [obvious flaw this] and [obvious flaw that]?.

And when we were having sex and stuff, I had a really hard time teaching him what I wanted him to do - not only did I have trouble asking for stuff directly, but when I actually managed to do so, or try to fix something he was doing, because he was hurting me (he was...ah... a [I]big[/I] fellow), he would completely [I]break down crying[/I] about how he was a complete failure and how sorry he was, so I'd end up in the awkward position of being both sexually frustrated and having to comfort him at the same time, which combined with the appeared lack of reality, really killed a lot of sexual attraction I had for him.

I was also frustrated by the fact that he treated me like just a friend when his other female friends were around, because a lot of them had crushes on him and he didn't want to hurt their feelings or make them uncomfortable. He would also refuse to treat me as a sexual object. I know, from a feminist point of view, this sounds great, but it actually kind of sucked. Respectful, non-objectifying sex + crying sex. Just... no. no. no.

I know I should have been more directly communicative, but it was a huge psychological hang-up of mine (I grew up in a very poor family and "asking for things" whether they be actual things or even behaviour changes, was usually met with either derision or flat out dismissal) and [U]was not something I really could have solved at that point in time.
[/U]

And since I was having a lot of trouble being direct, since this was all bugging me a lot, I would ask questions like "Do you think there's something wrong?" and "Are you happy?", in an effort to try and bring about a conversation to solve the problems. But M would look at me blissfully and be like "Everything's completely perfect! I wouldn't change anything!" or "You're completely perfect just the way you are!"

And then I'd be left wondering if I was completely crazy for having unhappy feelings and doubts - because how could I be so unhappy when he apparently completely over the moon about everything? I could only assume something must have been wrong with me, or he was so lost in dreamland that he couldn't be trusted.

I ended up feeling like the whole thing had been a mistake to become a couple - but I was absolutely [I]TERRIFIED[/I] of breaking up with him, because I cared about him so much, and because I had [I]SEEN[/I] how he had treated his last couple girlfriends. At the same time, I wished desperately that we had never become a couple, because I loved him so much, despite my frustration, and I didn't know what to do and if we had stayed friends, things would have been so much simpler.

By this point, I realized what he was doing - the reason he was so blissed out is because he would put any girl he was dating on a pedestal -[I] she was perfect and could do no wrong in his eyes - [/I] - but the minute the girl started chafing under that, or started pulling away from him, he would take it as a complete betrayal, because LE GASP, his goddess was actually a human who took dumps like any other human. He still thought I was awesome, but I was rather disillusioned by his lack of realism (I had been comparing notes with his ex girlfriends).

And unfortunately, M is the type of person where he [U]is[/U] the truest of friends to his friends (they can do no wrong, you understand?), but if you're his enemy, holy s***, you're not worth touching the soil he walks on and he'd make sure you knew it.

Also, at this point, a different man came into the picture, A. A was in one of my first university classes, and he was smart, sexy, confident and funny-as-hell, and later on, from the way he watched me, I could tell he thought I was attractive. I took one look at him, thought "Oh man, he's trouble" and vowed to stay away, because I already had a boyfriend.

But alas, I ended up sitting next to A for the next four months of the term, and I fell in love with him pretty fast, which put me in even more of a bind - how could I love two people? what the hell was I supposed to do? If I broke up with M, he'd never speak to me again. But A was RIGHT THERE, and oh man, was he a dish compared to M, especially since me and M were spiraling into Angst-Ville (not entirely M's fault either). I basically spent those four months desperately trying to keep my heart away from A and trying to keep the relationship I had with M off the rocks.

It might have worked, but then Christmas break rolled around. M went home for a month, and most of my other friends went out of town too, so for an entire month, I was working full time, and was completely alone and totally out of my mind with depression and loneliness, because M would call every couple days to gush about how much fun he was having with his friends and family back home, while my family christmas was a disaster and I had nobody to hang out with and all of my co-workers were 15+ years older than me. M tried to be sympathetic, but would always bookend the sympathy with another story about how awesome his day was.

I didn't have any contact with A through this time, until right about New Years, where he texted me out of the blue and asked how I was doing. He caught me at a bad time, and I basically unloaded onto him how utterly awful of a time I had been having and he was like "Oh man! You should have told me you were so lonely! Come on, let's go get Tim Horton's tomorrow and hang out and I'll make you feel better. "

Boom. I was done for. * facepalm* Completely and utterly done for. A had won me with that call. However, since I didn't want to let on that I was having this sort of conflict about him, since he was a player in that conflict and I didn't want to get into a boy vs. boy over girl conflict, so I kept all this to myself.

Unfortunately, it didn't mean any of the above problems had been solved. I still had a ton of issues, a relationship and as well as really deep feelings for M.

A backed off for awhile, but I couldn't help but write in my diary about how conflicted I was feeling.

Meanwhile, M wasn't stupid and could tell I was seesawing between him and A, and got suspicious that I was doing something that I shouldn't. At one point, he slept over and I went to leave for school. Some sort of spider sense started tingling and I went back up to my room, and found him reading through my diary. I flipped my s*** and we had a huge argument about the reading of the diary and my feelings, and I stomped out crying. I remember getting to school, sobbing my eyes out, and running into A in one of the labs. Seeing what a mess I was, he demanded to know what was going on. I didn't want to start sobbing in front of everybody, so we moved off to one of the court yards and I tried to wave it off (and I s*** you not, this is precisely how it went):

Me: Oh... M and I just had some issues
A: Why? You guys are really close, why would you fight?
Me: It's not that big a deal.
A: It must have been, if it caused you to be like this (he gestured to my face)
Me: Well, yeah, we sort of were arguing....
A: (expectantly) uh [I]huh[/I].....about what? Come on, Linnia, I know something big happened. What happened?
Me: Oh, just about my feelings and stuff....
A: (staring at me intently) your feelings about what...?
Me: (squeaky voice) um, you.
(A stares at me for a moment, looking completely surprised, then he suddenly throws his arms around me and kisses me)

And it was awful and wonderful, and really quickly went downhill from there. Part of me was so mad at M for reading my diary, I almost felt justified in doing exactly what he suspected me of doing - but at the same time, I felt like the most horrible person in the world for enjoying the experience for its own sake - the first time I had felt sexually satisfied in MONTHS, if not years.

I cheated on M, but was too scared to break up with him, and basically agonized endlessly over what to do and tore myself to pieces emotionally, because I felt so guilty and because I was so scared of what he'd do.

M eventually found out about it, by reading through my email history, flipped out (I don't really blame him for being upset and angry), but even as I tried to apologize and make it up to him, he used a lot of my deepest fears and wounds against me. I can understand lashing out from pain, but he called me everything from a worthless whore to "being too fucked up by your mother's death to ever be capable of being loved by anyone", etc. Really nasty stuff, including hitting me and sending me MSN messenger IM's about raping me.

and then suddenly, he wanted to make it all better and take me back and he'd forgive me and what not.

At this point, I was so messed up and traumatized that I didn't want to go back to him at that point, and said so. To say I was deeply torn was an understatement, and we were both in really bad places. Eventually, I'm not sure how, we came to an agreement that we wouldn't talk for 4 months, until the next semester came around, and we'd try to rebuild things then.

However, along with my huge amount of emotional turmoil, I also had huge abandonment issues, and would send him emails begging to talk to him, and trying to repair things. He wouldn't reply, and eventually was just like "I don't want you in my life ever again."

And that was pretty much the end of it. A lot of our mutual friends took his side of things, because I felt too guilty to tell them about how out and out abusive his reactions were, as well as how violated I had felt about him reading my diary, as well as the other grievances I had with him, and it stuck around for a long time, because anger, guilt and grief are never a pretty combination. :/

I know what I did was wrong, and I regret hurting him more than anyone can understand, but at the same time, while I know how things should have been done, I also know that at that time in my life, I wouldn't have had the emotional fortitude to do things differently. I just simply didn't know how and I couldn't see a simple way out. I really couldn't.

I wish so desperately that I could start anew with him on a new square of life - not forgetting what happened, but forgiving and learning from it - I would love to rebuild the friendship we had, because it was so special to me. But as far as he's made clear to me, it's all my fault and he wants nothing do to with me. :/ And while I would be OK starting from the middle and making things right, and I have forgiven a lot of it, I also realized that you can't have an equal relationship with someone who blames you for everything and won't admit that their actions contributed to things. :/

It's been about five years since this all went down. tried a bit of counseling, but unfortunately, I know too much about psychology for counseling to really work on me. The counselor will start talking me through something and I'll recognize the method they're using, or I'll be able to predict the next question they're going to ask.





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