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Relationship Health Message Board

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I'm just going to through my own experience out there in the hopes that maybe it can help in some way. Maybe not, but you can take it how you wish.

I had a bad break up a long time ago. I think for everyone it's different, but I was angry for a long time. I found the more I filled up my life with fun, really interesting things, the less I thought about him and missed him, though he was always in the back of my mind. I was also dead set on meeting someone else. I was kind of naive, I just assumed I'd meet someone else, someone much better suited for me. I thought "I'm reasonably nice looking, smart, educated, independent, why wouldln't I meet someone else?" But I never did. Maybe it would have been easier if I had, I don't know. But I do know that you can't just sit there and wait for time to take the pain away. You have to take an active role in making it go away. In deciding to accept that it's over, by not thinking about him and his new woman, by cutting off those thougths cold when they start, because they really are none of your business anymore. Time alone won't heal anything. You have to do the work.

For me, it's been 14 years since we broke up, He met someone else pretty quickly after me and married her and took her kids in as his own, and as far as I know, is happy with them. The pain that I didn't get to have a life, not just with him but with anyone, well, I've just accepted it as part of my life now. I've also accepted that I will never be who I was before I met him, and my heart will never be the same. But maybe it wasn't supposed to be. All we can do is learn the lessons we can learn and do everything we can to move on and build a life to be proud of, without looknng back and hanging onto shoulda-woulda-couldas. At least now I can honestly say I'm not sorry we didn't stay together. I do miss the good bits of being with him sometimes, but i also embrace the fact that they were not worth the bad parts, and I am healtihier and more secure and self possessed than I would have been had I satayed with him. Sometimes that's the best you can hope for, but again, you have to want to get to that point. I still don't hear you really WANTING to get over it. You want to stop hurting of course, but you're still not wanting to do what you have to do to stop hurting. You're still wishing things had turned out differently. You're still wishing you could go back. As long as you do, you will never feel any better.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4922659]I think you can get over that painful, feels-like-someone-just-kicked-you-in-the-chest feeling. How I got over that really horrible feeling is, I really did basically just DECIDE to. hanging onto that pain was a way of hanging onto him, because accepting that it was over, everything we had and were was all in the past, felt worse than pining over him. But it really is the only way to move past that awful, desperate pain. Just decide to.[/QUOTE]

It's just so tough :( I've never found it so difficult to move on from a guy before, not even my first love. You mentioned writing that list. Well, I have one. And there were good and bad points but overall the good outweighs the bad. He was truly awful in the way he broke up with me, totally lacked any integrity and I would never have imagined that he would have done that. But he was a good boyfriend to me and I miss him and our trips together so much. I need to accept it's over for good but it's so difficult getting there. I know things will get better once I do and hopefully the antidepressants will reduce my sadness and anxiety so I am able to accept - I wonder if that's all it will take?

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4922659]And be more gentle on yourself. A broken heart is like grieving a big loss. There's no time table. Grief does not have a set schedule, so don't be so hard on yourself that you aren't "over it" yet after only 5 months. It took me really 5 years to start to really move forward, and that was with a lot of work. Like I said, it might not have been so hard if I'd met someone else, but it takes as long as it takes. As long as you're doing everything you can to move yourself forward, then don't sweat any kind of time table.[/QUOTE]

Five months feels like forever when you've been feeling this way every day. I'm sure you know, as you say, you've been through this yourself. I become so frustrated at times, it feels so unfair to be feeling this way when he didn't give me a second thought.

I'm not someone who jumps from one relationship to the other either. Before I met my ex, I was extremely happy being single and dating a string of nice and successful men but I did not want any more because I was enjoying being free. I would like to get back to that point before I even think about getting into another relationship. Relationships just cause problems, it seems. I also have my career to focus on.

The pain really is quite awful at times. Today has been especially bad.

Thanks for listening, sharing your story and offering great advice.

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