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Hello All, I lurk here often...this is my first post. There are so many issues, I don't even know where to begin, I will do my best to give a brief history. My xh and I have a seven yr old daughter, divorced nearly 3yrs ago. I have a 20 yr disabled son from previous who lives with me. My daughters father has a gender identity crisis, always wanted to spend our alone time being feminine and waltz around in six inch heels. The real problem is that he treated me terrible as though we were in competition. He was passive aggressive and lived a double life that stayed behind closed doors. He was abusive to my son and I, belittled us in the worst way and so on. In the public eye, he is an upstanding, kind, harmless great guy in law enforcement.

Just as he was when he was courting me, as is why I left my home state to build a life with him. Shortly after I moved, our daughter was concieved. So fast forward, I couldn't take it anylonger, our marriage was over before it was over, I met a very macho man on a fluke and had an emotional affair for a short time before the xh learned of this. I was upfront, did not deny even as things progressed. I will admit I was being selfish and enjoyed feeling adored, desired, feminine, and beautiful. Very stupid on my part, I should have remembered how wonderful the xh treated me in the begining. I'm sure it was temporary insanity, I'm never spontaneous and this was an all time low for me. The xh wanted me to move out shortly after, with nowhere else to go I moved in with the macho man and share custody of our daughter with xh. within a few weeks when I stopped taking my antidepressant that was causing me to have a manic episode, I realized I made a horrible decision and talked to xh to please allow me to come home, that I would sleep in our daughters room until our divorce was finalized, discontinue contact with macho man, go to therapy, etc..

He refused. So here I am nearly three yrs later...stuck. I have absolutely no support or family here. I have worked the past 4 yrs up until recently, was a stay at home mom when married. I do my best to hold myself together for my daughter and son, but inside I'm such a mess. I managed to get a little place for my children and I last summer. I worked and saved like crazy to try to make a life for us outside of this horrible
living situation with the extremely controlling, scary, obsessive macho man. That lasted 6 months before my savings were depleted and hours cut, major debt accrued to pay the rent. State resourses are depleted for low income families, i have been on a waiting list for 3 yrs to no avail. Looking for work that can cover the cost of living to no avail so far. I have been in major depression for 3 steady yrs and i don't know how much longer i can go on like this. I'm grateful for my children and i love my family that are in another state, but i have nothing else that keeps my heart beating. NOTHING. I don't even like myself anymore. I hate what I did that put us in this situation and I cannot forgive myself.

I have noone to talk to, i can rarely bare to call my parents as i want to break down into tears when I hear their voices and don't want to upset them. If I could save one woman from making a horrid, compulsive mistake by temptation for self gradification by telling my story, maybe just maybe, I could begin to forgive myself. Ladies, there is absolutely no sincerity in a man that involves himself with a married woman that is in a vulnerable situation. That attention is not a compliment, it is an intrusion and a competition. These predators are dangerous and will ruin your life if you allow them. I'm not advising to stay in an abusive marriage, but the outcome of my divorce and future would have been much different had another party not been in the picture. Sorry for bouncing around so much, I let my heart do the typing. Thank you for listening, any words of encouragment would be so welcomed.

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