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Hi,

I have posted 2 threads in this forum over the past 4 years. Both were about my girlfriend and how out of order she has been. Read up if you like but I will summarise:

1. Got together in my country England

2. Spent 2 years together in England whilst I finished University and agreed to move to her hometown in France after. A rocky 2 years where she was abusive both physically and verbally, managing to fall out with most of my friends and family members.

3. I left my hometown to be with her in her country (despite numerous warnings on this site and from friends and relatives). She refused to stay in my country and wanted to be with her friends/family/environment and I was willing to try it.

4. Spent 2 years in her hometown in France living with her parents. I got along with them just fine and all her friends and family like me. Our relationship was ok, although I was homesick at times but still managed to start my own business and settle in somewhat. Basically she was doing her life and what she wanted and I was just there (thats what it felt like at times).

5. She told me 4 months ago she needed time and space! I thought that it was a great idea and that I would come home to England and think about where my life was going there and go back with a new perspective on us, the same as I thought she would take a fresh look at us, all positive.

6. HOW WRONG AND GULLIBLE WAS I LOL! She needed the time and space because she had met someone else (who worked in a DIY store) and from the day I left contacted this person everyday and slept with him and saw him for almost 2 months before telling me, the whole time keeping me hanging on in England thinking we were getting back together.

7. During the "time and space" I sent 12 roses to her work place, visited her in France as a surprise only to be sent home the next day saying she needs more time and space, sent her hundreds of pounds worth of xmas presents only for her to say she wants nothing from me and make me cry on xmas day.

8. After months of torture (no sleep, thinking, her stringing me on like it would be ok) and lies (saying she was at a girl friends, no replies to my txts/emails) she finished with me, saying some harsh things. 3 days later she gives me 100s of missed calls and txts saying it was a mistake.

9. After a while I get back to her and agree to meet her to talk about things. She finally spills the beans and out of instinct I say I forgive her (dont think I do) and we come to an agreement to get back together but I come home and take my time. One day she says take your time, the next she says dont bother to come back. She even saw the guy again which I had to lie to get the truth from her about. She said it was to finish with him - yeah right, on a friday night!

10. So, this is where we are at, do I go back after what she has done to me or not??!! I have started to settle back in at home and all my family and friends think it is crazy to even think about going back....

So, she is a liar for months, a cheater and has a history of doing bad things such as kicking me out in a country that I have nobody really to turn to with my luggage at 2am, physically attacking me, insulting my friends and family, doing what she wants regardless what I say or think, spoke in a sexual nature to another guy on messenger a year ago, loses her temper over nothing, etc, etc.... BUT, I love her and could easily go back to her tomorrow..WHY!?

GUYS reading this, trust me this is what happens when you are nice to someone and they take advantage of you, hence why good guys finish last. Could you forgive this betrayal?

P.S. In 4 years I didnt even kiss another a girl.
First off, I'm really sorry for all the turmoil you're going through but honestly, you bring much of this on yourself. The best advice I could give you is to re-read your post above and try to be objective. Just read it and give advice as if this was someone else on the web. I'm sure you'll come to the most logical conslusion. She really sounds like a &*#*^ from what you've described and I can't imagine someone wanting to knowingly stepping back into that life. Please do the right thing!
[QUOTE=outlandish;4952984]I love the companionship ([B]being physically and verbally abused)[/B], the memories we have [B](of being physically and verbally abused and cheated on and lied to)[/B], the comfort of knowing everything about each other [B] (knowing that she lies, cheats and abuses you and that she cheats on you the minute your back is turned)[/B], the little things they do that makes me smile [B](and the times she made you feel awful and may even have made you cry)[/B]...but perhaps it is because I was so dependant on her for 2 years abroad as she was all I really had there ([B]dependency isn't healthy or good for you!)[/B].

[/QUOTE]

Sounds wonderful...NOT!

If you go back, you go back realizing that she will continue to do all of these things and more, because by going back you are telling her that you will not only accept the bad things she says and does, but that you love her because of them! She will continue to abuse you because she'll be convinced you like it.

You believe the lying cheater will learn from their mistakes...but after 4 years she hasn't learned a thing except that you will take all that abuse from her and come back for more.

At least try going out with someone else...perhaps try dating a nice girl??? You might be pleasantly surprised...unless you are one of those people who loves a "drama" relationship, then you'd be bored by a nice, normal, loving and secure relationship.
I think the problem with her is that she doesn't care enough to change at this point in her life. And for you to wait around while being tied down in a relationship with her waiting for her to change you are seriously truthfully honestly wasting valuable time that you could have spent with someone who actually made you happy.

Here's something I've learned within the last 2 years since my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He and my mom had all these great plans for how to spend their retirement together. They were going to be really happy but then he got the diagnosis and now all those plans have come to a screeching halt. Now the thing he keeps telling me is "It's later than you think.". Which means that you think you have all this time in the world to waste doing frivolous things like in your case going back for more abuse and heartache thinking you're young and have all this time, but you don't. In reality, the clock is ticking all the time as each day brings you closer to your last. Knowing that, wouldn't you rather spend what time you do have with someone who makes you happy, makes you feel loved and appreciated and good? Or do you want to waste it all, looking back when you're in your 40s or 50s still trapped in a loveless unhappy existence with someone who is abusive and doesn't care about you?

I hope you will think about this. Think about how precious time is and your life is and how once you lose days, months and years spent on worthless people who did nothing to enhance your life it is something you will never get back again. Really think about that a d what it means because you have the choice to go the opposite direction toward happiness and good things or go back to abuse and neglect. The choice is yours but I think you know what the right thing to do is now
CadenceA,

I am not saying I will go back and I have set myself up well at home after 2 years living her life in her environment. You could say by cheating she gabe me a get out of jail free card. I just have some pity for her and I know that despite her faults there is a good person inside. I am well aware that if I go back it may be rosy for a few months until the same issues resurface. Its just her begging and pleading has shown me how much she wants me but this may also just be a case of "the dummy out of the pram" and once she has me back will throw me out again. Or, maybe it is a real wake up call for her and her behaviour.

Love is supposed to feel good and at times it did with her but the majority of the time it felt awkard for lack of a better word.

Right now she is depressed because of what she has done and I imagine her in that state and dont want her to be like that although she put me through a bad 2 months whilst she kept me clinging on without me knowing she was seeing someone else. Mosr would say she deserves it and as much as I want to, my heart wont allow me!
I find it interesting that she lied, cheated and abused you physically and verbally...and YOU feel pity for HER! No wonder she wants to hold on to you! There aren't many people out there who accept so much abuse, who even tolerate being thrown out on their ear in a foreign country, and then conclude that they "love" the person who treated them so shabbily! You are also making her happiness your personal responsibility, and that's just not logical.

You do realize that your difficulties in getting past this and away from her are due to your refusal to cut off contact. You CAN help it, there isn't some outside force making you type the text messages and press "send". That's you doing it. You want to hold on for some reason. Maybe it feels good to finally have the upper hand, to finally be the one who is receiving the begging and pleading instead of the one doing it. I'm sure it feels good to read all the I love yous and the I'm sorries.

Let me share my experience...I too was involved with someone who lied and cheated and treated me poorly, so I broke up with him. He begged and begged me back, declaring his love and swearing he couldn't live without me, telling me that he realized I was the one he truly loved. So, I (stupidly) gave him a second chance. After a brief "honeymoon" period, he began to treat me horribly once again. He had learned something all right...he learned that if he said all the right things he could sucker me into coming back. He also learned that he could abuse me and I'd take it...after all, I came back! He even told me that I must like being treated like that because I came back and stayed with him. Well, I broke up with him again...this time for good. I won't be fooled a third time. And I cut off contact, changed my number and moved to a new house so he can't drive by or try to call or text. And it's been a tremendous relief, I don't miss him one bit.

You are absolutely right that if you do decide to go back things will be nice for a few weeks...until she can't tolerate being nice to you anymore and starts abusing you again. And this time it will be worse, because she will know that she can do any horrible thing she feels like doing and you'll come back if she apologizes prettily enough.

I hope you stay strong and don't allow her to sucker you into going back to her. If you truly want your life to be better and stay that way, I recommend you cut off contact. Change your number and don't respond to any emails or messages. If you do that, soon you'll start to recover and you'll wonder why you put yourself through all this torture. Especially when you meet a nice girl who doesn't abuse people.
yes I believe people can change but if your ex was really happy with you then she wouldn't have been so quick to try moving on to another relationship but moving on just hasn't panned out for her the way she thought it would, if it had she wouldn't have given you a second thought. What's worse is she kept you dangling on a string thinking you two were still together.

But I think to her you are the lesser of evils right now, even though she wasn't happy with you, her life on her own isn't so great either which is the reason she wants you back. IF you go back to her it's just unlikely to last because I think as soon as something better comes along, she'll leave you in her dust trail. This is why she kept you hanging in the first place because she was hedging her bets. I don't believe this was about a fling, or a moment of weakness, it was her looking for a way out of the relationship, but she didn't have the conscience to do it cleanly and openly until she figured things were working out for her (at the time).

And, if you don't give anyone else a chance, then you'll never get the chance to one day be with someone who knows you even better without the lies and distrust. 4 years seems like a long time, but really it's a blip in your life, your next relationship may last 30 years! you just never know.
[QUOTE=captjane;4957736]did you come to a decision or are things still up in the air?[/QUOTE]

Hi,

Thanks for the interest. Basically I am still thinking about her and going back all of the time but also getting on with my life here. Its hard, especially when I keep having dreams of her and everything reminds me of her, but I have met someone else who is so nice/kind/beautiful...this is a huge part of keeping me here. TBH I think if I had not met this person I may have ran back to her already. BUT, this morning I wake up after dreaming of my ex and feel the urge to email her happy easter and tell her how much I miss her, wish I was with her, blah, blah....Dont know why and I do know it is wrong, just cant help myself!

I read through my threads I posted a year and 2 years ago this morning and realised how things have been during our time and that I can do so (and deserve) so much better. I also saw how the feedback and adivce on this forum was spot on.

Some days I wake up and feel the need to email her and tell her how I feel, some days I wake up and want to run back, others I think I am happy to be here and made a good escape keeping my dignity intact.

The worst thing I can see is that with this new girl sometimes I find myself acting as my ex did to me (which I hated!!). The new girl is kind and nice like me so I dont want to end up being like my ex, but maybe being treated like that for 4 years has affected me more than I know.

I would feel bad to leave the new girl and go back with my ex and everyone thinks I am doing much better here now and have nothing to go back for. I agree but the hardest part of moving on is the letting go! All the memories, all the things that remind you of that person. But, if you read my other threads you will be surprised I think that way after all the way she was!!

It is nice to have my own life back and be in my comfort zone with my family and friends rather than living my ex's life. However part of me did enjoy the isolation and being dependant on her, but I guess that is a cycle I needed to break (unhealthy and not good long term) and she did my a favour really by treating me so bad and making it easier for me to leave.

Any questions please ask and thanks for helping, hope all is well with you and happy easter.

To summarise I would say that things are not up in the air but not set in stone 100%. I am moving on and with someone new, but still have in the back of my mind the idea of going back. Honestly, I dont know. I do love her and miss her but I dont think I can ever forgive her for what she did or look at her the same. SO as much as I want to be with her it is not possible and this is what I have told her.
thanks for the update outlandish. You know it sounds like you are starting to move on and are going through a sort of mourning for your old relationship and that's actually pretty healthy. From reading your posts it sounds like deep down you know it won't work out but when you've been in a long term relationship with someone, you don't just wake up one day and stop having feelings for them. If I think back to the worst relationships of my life, I think I always kept a soft spot for each one of them, even when there was arguing, lies, manipulation or cheating. The relationships didn't work and I wanted out, but I on some level I still cared.

I actually think you are REALLY well adjusted, because you don't feel the need to be spiteful or mean, or get back at her, and a lot of guys do that after breakups. Instead you care for her and feel compassion, even though in your gut you know the relationship itself wasn't good, and that's perfectly ok IMO. You don't have to hate her, and can still care about her because you were together so long. I just think right now it sounds like you're "processing" it all and starting to move on already.
captjane,
Thank you very much, I do believe I am moving on and have not been horrible to my ex or tried to get my pay back, I have left with my head held high and on good terms from my part. Therefore if we were ever to get back together I have kept my reputation intact. The only problem that I see now is being able to give my new relationship 100% as I still have her on my mind and find it difficult to trust someone now but this new girl seems like the complete opposite and understands what I went through. I could easily hate my ex and have more than enough reasons to do so, but like yourself I feel compassion and only remember the good times.

Happy Easter!
That's great.

A good next step would be to end all contact with the ex. See, as long as you continue contact you can't move on. You will continue to hope that your ex will "change", that she will "learn from her mistakes". And as long as you hope those things you aren't really available to the new girl or anyone else.
Thanks again for the advice and believe me I do take it on board and do not ignore it. It's just despite all the obvious reasons NOT to go back, I feel something inside that will not go away. She consumes my mind all day/night. Contacting her has not helped but I miss her so much and feel the need to let her know that I love her and I am thinking of coming back to her - she feels and wants the same which makes it harder. If she left me no choice like she did originally when she met someone else and threw me away it would be easier to move on. I would have to! Now the option is there and I can see she is hurt, upset and lonely, it is much harder. She emailed me early hours of the morning the other day stating all the love, feelings, etc and even a photo of her crying which really really upset me!

Perhaps I am being to soft. Perhaps I should grow a pair, stand up and say look what you done to me and what you put me through, I done care!! But I dont feel hatred towards her, I feel sorry for her and want her to be happy.

Someone said it is because she is alone why she wants me and if it worked out with the person who came along she would have been gone before. I asked her this and she said it did not work out with them because of her love and feelings for me. Also, even if she is not alone she cannot really enjoy life because she (like me) is consumed with her love/feelings/thoughts of us.

I am not trying to convince anyone or myself, I am just trying to look at it from both angles - logic (and everyone else) of course says I should not go back after being treated that way, but love (which only I feel for her in this situation) says differently.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4960235]Emailing a photo of herself crying is really a rather unhealthy, not to mention very manipulative, thing for her to have done. It smacks of insincerity. It's because I'm not in love with her that I don't buy it and can see it for what it is. Look, I know in the end, you're going to do what you have to do. Just be sure that what you give up in order to go through all this again is what you can afford to lose.[/QUOTE]

Why does that show insincerity? I am not saying that I have to go back, infact I have a lot more to lose than I do to gain (depending on how you measure love). What's to say it will happen again? It is the first time she cheated (although it was not a one off cheat but a few months of lies) in 4 years and she seems to be going through hell now wanting me back. Maybe she will really have realised and things would be better.

Thing is, we are contacting each other and it is preventing us both from moving on but I think that is because we both dont want to, not at this time anyway. I am trying to be strong and I guess it is not a crime to think about and miss someone you have had a long relationship with even if they did some really bad things during that time.
It's not the new girl's job to make your feelings for your ex go away. That would be using her, and that's not nice.

It's up to YOU to get past this idea that your ex will magically change into a nice, non-abusive woman. But your refusal to end contact, and your fantasies about this wonderful change that you're convinced has happened to her, and your insistance that you and your ex share some kind of amazing, once-in-a-lifetime true love is what is keeping you stuck. Frankly, I think you have bought so much into your own fantasy that you don't want to give it up.

I think the only way for reality to set in is for you to go ahead and go back to her. After the initial week or so, when she starts in with the abuse she's convinced you like, maybe it will sink in.

It's too bad, because it seems to me like you'd be a wonderful boyfriend/husband to a deserving woman...but you're choosing to waste your wonderfulness on someone who doesn't appreciate it, who only wants to use you to her own selfish advantage.
So it was my ex's bday yesterday and she bombarded me with mails. Saying she thought I would go to surprise her, she cant eat or do anything, speak to anyone friends or family. It made me feel really bad! I wished her a happy bday but she was so emotional saying how she wants to give it another try, please forgive her, please go back, even as far as saying she would book a flight to see me. I really felt down about it and still think about her 24/7. I am really 50/50 though. I am scared to lose what I have got here now but I am also scared that if I do not go back that I will regret it. She will eventually get over it but I am not sure if it what I want. I cant just run back not being 100% and leave everything here behind with the risk of being hurt again. I can forgive her and trust her again but it will take time. Really lost on this one and finding it hard to just break contact and move on, maybe because I dont want to.
The thing is, an emotionally healthy, emotionally mature grown up takes responsibility for their actions and doesn't make their issues someone else's problem. This girl lost you because she screwed up, and instead of taking responsibility for it and dealing with the fact that her behavior caused you to go away, she's now making it your problem by bombarding you with sad weepy emails, sending you pictures of herself crying. You asked me why it was insincere of her to send a picture of herself crying. Well, think about it. Why would anyone do that? There's only one reason I can think of. To emotionally manipulate someone. To make them feel badly and to try to get them to do something I want them to do, but something they may not really want to do. I'm putting myself first, ahead of what's in that other person's best interest. I'm disregarding that other person's feelings and trying to make them feel what I want them to feel, sympathy for me. Which is really another form of abuse. It's her fault and her problem she was alone on her birthday. But instead of putting on her big girl pants and dealing with it, learning from her mistakes and getting out there and trying to move on with her life by making new friends, getting involved in work, school, hobbies, etc, and letting you process your emotions your own way in your time, she chose to again emotionally manipulate you, force you to feel what she wants you to feel, by making her sadness YOUR problem, when it isn't. You left for legitimate reasons, and she is not respecting that. She's not saying "I know I really messed up and I'm so sorry for this, this that and the other" and then letting you have your space to think about what you want to do. I bet if you hadn't caved yesterday and emailed her back, she would have gotten angry and insistant that you contact her back. I tend to think that if a person stops being sorry before you stop being hurt or angry, then they're not really sorry (assuming of course you're not using YOUR anger and hurt to manipulate THEM). I really don't think you can have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with this woman. I'm not going to slam you for wanting to go back to her. There was a time when I was in love with someone who treated me badly (I think I told you before) and if he had wanted me back a hundred times, I would have come running back to him a hundred times. I can understand what you're going through. But I've come out the other side and I can tell you it would have been a HUGE mistake for me to have gone back. And I think it's very likely that it would be a HUGE mistake for you, too.
Whatever you've been reading, it's pretty spot-on.

She wants what SHE wants and doesn't care about what anyone else wants. Those kind of people seldom "change" because why would they? It's always worked to get them what they want, so there is absolutely no motivation to "change". They will always find someone whose self-esteem is low enough that making them happy is their only reason to exist. Selfish people pick up on that and use it to their own advantage. Then, when they come across someone who WON'T give in to their every whim, they accuse that person of not loving them or of being "mean". They feel it's horribly unfair when they don't get exactly what they want. They cry big crocodile tears, but their tears are for themselves only. They are incapable of caring for anyone other than themselves.

Yep, I've encountered people like this. And I stay far, far away. To go back for more of that is digging your own emotional grave.
Had a long chat with her yesterday, lots of tears. She sounds suicidal and has even been to a doctor who says she is depressed. On top of that her parents think she needs to see a psychiatrist. She says it is all because she broke both our hearts and lost the man of her life who she loves more than anything. She sounds in bad shape and I hope she does not do anything stupid. I told her that I do not have the gut feeling to go back and until I feel it (if I ever do) I wont come back but she is holding on to all hope that I will (maybe I will but my heart is very cold at the moment). As much as I dont want to lead her on I just dont know what to do and I think I am becoming the selfish one now. I told her it would be wrong for me to go back just because she is crying and upset and that if I ever do come back it will be because I want to, otherwise it would not work. Seriously, if anyone is ever sorry for what they done, it is her. Anytime I say something to her that hints of coming back she sounds so happy. But, her parents even told her do not expect him to come back but if it makes you feel better for now think that he will. They said that if they were my parents they would be advising me not to and that she needs to learn to be satisfied with what she has rather than always wanting more, apparantly it has been that way her whole life. She is never satisfied with anything and nothing is good enough for her expectations. She said she wants to change that but at 29 and having seen it first hand for 4 years I doubt it.
She says, she says, she says. I'd put very little value on what she "says", particularly with her history of lying.

I hope you realize that she's not regretting what she did because it hurt YOU, but because she feels sorry for herself. She has no one to bully and abuse, and no one to give her attention and cater to her every whim. Poor her.

I'm glad you're staying strong, but I still stick to my advice to you to cut off contact. Why do you keep talking to her?
You should stop giving her any kind of hope that you're going back because you're just stringing her along and it's not helping her to move on. But I think you should stop feeling sorry for her because she put herself in this position with her own actions. It's time for you guys just to stop all contact and move on at this point. Hanging on is unhealthy for both of you.
I second what Kszan said.

You're doing to her what she did to you! You're telling her you want no contact, yet you're contacting her to tell her you love her and miss her and are thinking about her. You're giving her hope there's a possibility you'll go back. And all the while you've been seeing someone else!

I think rather than her stringing you along, you're now stringing her along. You don't want to end contact because then she might move on and forget about you and find someone else and you don't want her to. You aren't sure what you want, but you want to make sure she doesn't meet someone else in case you do decide to go back.

Just because she did that to you doesn't mean it's right to do it to her. It's not nice no matter who does it or why they do it. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Either go back to her and end this soap opera, or leave her alone while you decide what you want. THEN, if you feel like you two belong together (for some reason I wouldn't understand), contact her and tell her you're willing to give it another chance. But don't give her false hope and don't string her along while you dither.
I appreciate the feedback and honesty here, you have all been a great help.

I have come to the decision that there will be no contact and I will try to move on now. If after a while I decide it was the wrong choice then I will maybe try to get back in touch. But I agree, this must stop now.

And I think it is important to add that although the relationship had problems and she lied and cheated at the end of the day, I did not have my own life abroad and was not 100% happy there in the first place - so this decision has derived from more of a life style choice rather than the inability to forgive. The lying and the cheating was just the catalyst for me to realise the situation.

Thanks all.
Any more advice/feedback out there? It is days like this when I feel a major relapse coming on that I need it!
There's not much else that can be said that hasn't already been said by everyone here already. It's up to you to decide how you want to live your life but in the end, you're the only one who has to look back on what choices you've made in life and you're the one who has to live with the consequences of those choices. So, do what you want but be prepared to live with your consequences.
6 months on and I have still not gone back but still feel so strong for her. Love her and miss her.

We went a long time without contact but then she broke down the other day, telling me how she is so depressed and sad about losing me. How she still loves me and cannot move on with her life.

I have moved on (renting house, car, contract phone, etc) but it all feels temporary (like a dream) and I still have the same strong feelings for her. I also feel guilty/upset about what she is going through. I dont know if this is the life I want away from her, sometimes I want to throw it all away and run back. Forget what family, friends say, forget all I have rebuilt here and risk it all again.

My family believe she is emotionally blackmailing me to get her way, but I believe it is true what she says. You could even argue she is still hurting me with a purpose as she knows how soft I am and how much I love her so saying things like "I am dying", "Im losing so much weight", "my uncle is ill in hospital" to affect me.

Everyone says it is good what I have done here. My ex even said she would come here to leave which shows how much she is really going through.

Help?
I don't see any problem if you feel you want to give things another try and I agree she should come to where you are without question until you have a good long chance to see if this will work or go back to where it was.

As I said in an earlier post, I don't think you should give up what you have built now to go back. Why? because you have no reason to believe yet things will be different or better than before, and I think if she makes some sacrifice it does show a willingness on her part to make it work. Let her come to the uk, do not give everything up again for her, and if things work great, if they don't then the damage to your life is much more manageable, no starting from scratch again.

There are no guarantees either way but if she comes to the uk and things work out for a considerable time, then think about going back together. Just my 2c

"My family believe she is emotionally blackmailing me to get her way, but I believe it is true what she says. "

Don't discard this. I still can't figure out if she is very manipulative or just emotionally immature although I suspect it may be the latter. Doing things like sending a photo of herself crying, saying she is losing weight or dying, using her uncle to lay guilt is all designed to make you feel sorry for her, and it's working so I would be wary of someone who uses those tactics because it's a bit underhanded IMO and to me it's very teenage melodrama ish.
It really hasn't been that long with no contact. You wrote only a month ago that you two were still in contact, so even if you ended all contact that same day it's only been a few weeks at most...so it doesn't seem to me like you gave full no contact a try, and I believe it's because you didn't really want to.

I say go back with her. I think the only way you'll ever be able to get past this is to go back, be abused and mistreated for however long you can stand it, and then maybe you'll be done with it for good and finally (really) move on.

Or...you may be one of those people who secretly enjoys having someone treat them that way. Those kind of people do exist and they really, really love having someone mistreat them. It's a way of life for them. If that's you, and if the way she treated you made you feel wonderful and loved, then by all means go back to her! It's entirely your choice how you want to live your life.
HELP!!

I have a house, bills, thousands of pounds worth of furniture, a new girfriend and yet I still cant move on! Why the hell am I stopping myself. Her guilt and suffering does not help...Worst situation ever. I want her to be happy and feel like the only way is to go back to her...it would make her world. My new girlfriend is nice and understanding but this all feels like a dream and not sure if it is what I want but perhpas I need more time. I wish she would have treated me well and if I go back she will but is it worth sacrificing my life for someone else to be happy - because I wasnt that happy with her for a long time. My head is driving me crazy!
Hi
Just read through this whole post and OMG it reminded me so much of what i've been through for 5 years....
Me and my partner split 7 weeks ago and have had no contact, i think of them daily but know this time it will never work..
i've had all the promises, the tears, the i will change. i will give you everything you need, but i think once its broke its broke but i think some people need to go back and get to the point where i did where i was so unhappy that i KNEW it was never gonna change,
i sounded the same as you and made all the excuses. My family told me again and again to not go back, we must have split more times than i can count on my hands but i was always stupid to believe the manipulation. I was strong like you to at points but my softness like yours always caved in.
I believe in my heart that you will go back again and again until you finally believe what all these people on this post are telling you!!!!
I do feel for you coz it really is the most horrible confusing time ever...
Please read a book called How to break your addiction to a person by Howard halpern......It made me see things so clearlly and maybe can help you..
I was getting angry with you and myself reading this whole post earlier but reading it has made me realise that the decision i made 7 weeks ago was the right one..
Good luck with whatever you do but always go with your instincts, god i wished i had way before 7 weeks ago!
Why haven't you told your ex you have a new girlfriend?

Is it because if you do, SHE may decide to move on and date other men, and you can't tolerate the thought of her deciding she's done with you? You can't bear the thought of her being with another man, right?

I think the ex is the one being strung along. If you weren't trying to prevent her from moving on you'd tell her about the new girlfriend.

You want to be able to choose one or the other, fair enough. You should give both these women the same choice by being completely honest and forthcoming with the both of them.
CadenceA,

I have got used to thought of her with another man, she was seeing someone else behind my back for 2 months (including intimacy) when we were together. Finished with me for that guy and now wants me back - cant really top that. She probably is dating other men knowing her and on the odd day when she feels lonely or realises the grass is not greener she gets in touch. She does not need to know about the new gf to move on, she managed to move on when she was with me so cant be that hard without me. However I have not told her to avoid hurting her incase all the things she is saying is the truth and not just emotional blackmail. I mean how can someone claim to love you after doing what she did, actions/words. I am moving on but it is hard and like I said before, made harder by the ex's words.

Thanks for the reply.
outlandish,

I googled the words "exgf lied cheated" and found your topic here.
I was in a very similar situation to yours, been with this ex for 5 years, I went abroad as well to be with her just like you went abroad to be with your ex, and I know how it feels, because our ex's both filled us up with a sort of feeling you do not get anywhere else, especially when you're abroad for a long period of time and spending this long period of time with her, it might be hard for you to move on.

Basically what I've done to get over my ex is to literally take control over, and by that I mean I told her to not ever be abusive towards me or talk to me the way she did, I called her a names and I told her she is a manipulator and a liar (your title of your own thread screams out loud lies and cheatings, isn't it?)

I told her I would hack into her Email and FB account and delete all content if she ever dares to mess up with me and I showed her once how I do it and she got scared of me, she even went to the police in the UK (I don't live there now) to file a complaint against me (once I spoke to them they gave us both warnings, they literally called me abroad because of her), but I became more assertive with her and the more I put myself in control over her the more I realized how much she does not love me even one single bit.

I am more than sure that if you put yourself on top of your ex, literally, if you don't let her abuse you or talk to you rubbish, and if she tells you in sweet and soft voice "baby I miss you, I love you, I wanna be with you, I can make you happy, I can make you so happy like no one else" you don't buy this and tell her back, you slept with another guy behind my back, you lied, cheated to me, slammed the door on my face at 2am, and this is not love, this is crap", and tell her that you do not tolerate lies and cheatings and do not, I repeat, DO NOT be soft or kind towards her, never repeat that mistake.

Girl like this is a girl you need to be mean to her just like she was to you, do not let her fall into trap again, you gotta be in a position where she would never ever treat you like this or be abusive towards you.
If you are able to be in that position then you would see her real face, and you would not want to be with her anymore.

I don't want to be with my ex anymore, I don't trust her not even by a bit, I trust a stranger more than I trust her, I have so much hate inside for wasting years of my life on that girl, I just hope she would have nothing but miserable life for the rest of her life, I can only wish her bad and nothing good, and I hope she would get what she deserves.
[QUOTE=outlandish;4952653]Hi,

I have posted 2 threads in this forum over the past 4 years. Both were about my girlfriend and how out of order she has been. Read up if you like but I will summarise:

1. Got together in my country England

2. Spent 2 years together in England whilst I finished University and agreed to move to her hometown in France after. A rocky 2 years where she was abusive both physically and verbally, managing to fall out with most of my friends and family members.

3. I left my hometown to be with her in her country (despite numerous warnings on this site and from friends and relatives). She refused to stay in my country and wanted to be with her friends/family/environment and I was willing to try it.

4. Spent 2 years in her hometown in France living with her parents. I got along with them just fine and all her friends and family like me. Our relationship was ok, although I was homesick at times but still managed to start my own business and settle in somewhat. Basically she was doing her life and what she wanted and I was just there (thats what it felt like at times).

5. She told me 4 months ago she needed time and space! I thought that it was a great idea and that I would come home to England and think about where my life was going there and go back with a new perspective on us, the same as I thought she would take a fresh look at us, all positive.

6. HOW WRONG AND GULLIBLE WAS I LOL! She needed the time and space because she had met someone else (who worked in a DIY store) and from the day I left contacted this person everyday and slept with him and saw him for almost 2 months before telling me, the whole time keeping me hanging on in England thinking we were getting back together.

7. During the "time and space" I sent 12 roses to her work place, visited her in France as a surprise only to be sent home the next day saying she needs more time and space, sent her hundreds of pounds worth of xmas presents only for her to say she wants nothing from me and make me cry on xmas day.

8. After months of torture (no sleep, thinking, her stringing me on like it would be ok) and lies (saying she was at a girl friends, no replies to my txts/emails) she finished with me, saying some harsh things. 3 days later she gives me 100s of missed calls and txts saying it was a mistake.

9. After a while I get back to her and agree to meet her to talk about things. She finally spills the beans and out of instinct I say I forgive her (dont think I do) and we come to an agreement to get back together but I come home and take my time. One day she says take your time, the next she says dont bother to come back. She even saw the guy again which I had to lie to get the truth from her about. She said it was to finish with him - yeah right, on a friday night!

10. So, this is where we are at, do I go back after what she has done to me or not??!! I have started to settle back in at home and all my family and friends think it is crazy to even think about going back....

So, she is a liar for months, a cheater and has a history of doing bad things such as kicking me out in a country that I have nobody really to turn to with my luggage at 2am, physically attacking me, insulting my friends and family, doing what she wants regardless what I say or think, spoke in a sexual nature to another guy on messenger a year ago, loses her temper over nothing, etc, etc.... BUT, I love her and could easily go back to her tomorrow..WHY!?

GUYS reading this, trust me this is what happens when you are nice to someone and they take advantage of you, hence why good guys finish last. Could you forgive this betrayal?

P.S. In 4 years I didnt even kiss another a girl.[/QUOTE]



Woah!! I would never go back out with her!! Why can't I find a guy like you?!? I posted on here, "How could this happened?" about my terrible breakup that just happened two weeks ago. He lied to me all the time and I bent over backwards for him because I loved him. I gave him my heart and soul and now it's in a million pieces. I haven't heard or seen him since. We BOTH deserve much better! I wish I had a guy that treated me how you treated her. I never cheated or lied to my ex. I never cheated or lied to anyone!! I'm so honest and faithful and always get bad things happen to me. You are a nice guy and deserve a woman that will respect and love you. I'm sorry you wasted those years, but don't waste anymore! I was with my ex for almost 7 months and the whole time he told me he loved me and how we were meant to be. It's was all lies and now I finally see it! One day the right person will come to us. Don't settle for less! That is my problem and I refuse to settle for less anymore! I know you are heartbroken and so am I, but we will get through this. Stay strong!
Well, it has been 7 months since she lied and cheated after asking for time and space to see someone else then finished with me only to beg me back ever since. I still dont know what to do as I still think about her all the time and miss her and love her. I cant seem to move on! I was just reading the emails she sent to me when the lying was going on where she claimed to be with friends, family, etc, but was with the guy..where she said I love you and miss you but was with him...That made me feel abit better but I keep thinking about her and still about going back.
[QUOTE=outlandish;5028441]Well, it has been 7 months since she lied and cheated after asking for time and space to see someone else then finished with me only to beg me back ever since. I still dont know what to do as I still think about her all the time and miss her and love her. I cant seem to move on! I was just reading the emails she sent to me when the lying was going on where she claimed to be with friends, family, etc, but was with the guy..where she said I love you and miss you but was with him...That made me feel abit better but I keep thinking about her and still about going back.[/QUOTE]

Just ran across your post, wondered how you are making out. I was in a similiar situation as you. Ex cheated on me after 2 years together (one night stand), what I thought was one time, and after 8 mos I took him back. He told me all the things your gal did-- and yes, he dropped 20 lbsm was depressed, etc... He seemed sincerely remorseful and seemed to have really learned his lesson. It took me a long time to trust him again, a VERY long time, but I got there. Fast forward to almost 6 years into the relationship, nearly engaged when I found out he had cheated again. This time I left....for good.

After the breakup, I found out he had actually cheated for the entire 6 years, many one night stands. It was far worse than I had thought. I'm not saying your girl did the same but cheaters and liars tend to get better at hiding. He was on best behavior for a while after we got back together but once the comfort zone set in, he went right back to the cheating. Very hard to catch it too when its one night stands.

Its not the cheating that changed me, its the deception. I cut contact, and he continued contacting me for 18 mos despite not one returned call, email or text from me. People like your ex, and my ex- they dont like being exposed. To save their reputation, they show sorrow and remorse and figure if you will talk to them, take them back, etc.. then they aren't as bad of a person as they feel, or appear to others.

My opinion is, even if she's sincere and you go back- things will never be the same. Trust me. You will find reason to doubt things and its no way to live. I hadn't even realized I was doing this, and I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was the last 4 years, until I cut complete contact. Its been 3 years now- sure I miss him. But its really the person I thought he was that I miss. The liar, the cheater- well that wasn't the guy I loved. But it turned out that WAS the guy I loved.

Cut complete contact. It could take a few years to get her out of your system, you were together a long time. My ex would still take me back in heartbeat after all this time, but I lost respect and trust and no matter what I feel- I can never give 100% after cheating. Once you cut contact for a year, you will see things even more clearly than you do now.

Hope you are doing well. Stay strong. They say it takes half the time of the relationship, to really get over it. If that's true, its about 2+ years for you. It will go fast and you'll be a better person in the end for it.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and sorry about your ex doung that to you.

Well it has nearly been a year now and I still think of her all day and night, I miss her like crazy, I miss us, the things we did together, everything. I still love her and think of going back to her but I havent yet. Infact she contacted me today saying how much she misses me and is trying to be strong but finds it very hard and wishes we could get back together, she loves me so much, cant enjoy life without me,etc...To be honest I feel exactly the same but I told her the only reason I have not got back with her is because she left me for someone else.

Wish I could move on and forget her, but not going to happen in this lifetime :-(
No contact. That will help you to move on. But it doesn't seem like you want to move on. Like Gotye says, you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. He's right, isn't he?

I do hope you've broken up with the poor girl you were dating so she can find someone who really does love her and isn't wishing he were with someone else.
You are such a nice guy. You probably are able to forgive her, but you should ask yourself if you can forget what she has done to you. If the answer is no, you should really move on. My first boyfriend who I dated for more than four years cheated on me for half a year and I had no clue. I decided to break up, but just like you. On and off, we still contacted via email. It was just so hard to keep him out of my mind thinking that there might be possibility if getting back together. I was so sad and lost 7 pounds in one week when I was already skinny and cried many nights. But I didn't think I deserve this. People around me were worried about me. You see, your friends and family are those who really care about you. So I felt like I am responsible to not to make them worried. I decided to change my phone number and stopped contacting with each other in any means. It was hard in the beginning, but having no contact and keeping yourself busy is the best way to avoid thinking of the past. I know you can do it! Wish you the best.
You are such a nice guy. You probably are able to forgive her, but you should ask yourself if you can forget what she has done to you. If the answer is no, you should really move on. My first boyfriend who I dated for more than four years cheated on me for half a year and I had no clue. I decided to break up, but just like you. On and off, we still contacted via email. It was just so hard to keep him out of my mind thinking that there might be possibility in getting back together. I was so sad and lost 7 pounds in one week when I was already skinny and i cried many nights. But I didn't think I deserve this. People around me were worried about me. You see, your friends and family are those who really care about you. So I felt like I am responsible to not to make them worried. I decided to change my phone number and stopped contacting with each other in any means. It was hard in the beginning, but having no contact and keeping yourself busy is the best way to avoid thinking of the past. I know you can do it! Wish you the best.
1 year since she asked for time & space because she met someone else who she left me for before begging me back.

I have been strong (if you call it that) to not go back but she is all I think of 24/7!

It's killing me and I cannot move on with my life, these feelings wont go away!
Forget her and move on with your life. One day you will find the person your are meant to be with and it will feel so much better. My goodness oyu are only dating now and already its bad, can you imagine what it would be like if you were married to this girl?





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