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I find it interesting that she lied, cheated and abused you physically and verbally...and YOU feel pity for HER! No wonder she wants to hold on to you! There aren't many people out there who accept so much abuse, who even tolerate being thrown out on their ear in a foreign country, and then conclude that they "love" the person who treated them so shabbily! You are also making her happiness your personal responsibility, and that's just not logical.

You do realize that your difficulties in getting past this and away from her are due to your refusal to cut off contact. You CAN help it, there isn't some outside force making you type the text messages and press "send". That's you doing it. You want to hold on for some reason. Maybe it feels good to finally have the upper hand, to finally be the one who is receiving the begging and pleading instead of the one doing it. I'm sure it feels good to read all the I love yous and the I'm sorries.

Let me share my experience...I too was involved with someone who lied and cheated and treated me poorly, so I broke up with him. He begged and begged me back, declaring his love and swearing he couldn't live without me, telling me that he realized I was the one he truly loved. So, I (stupidly) gave him a second chance. After a brief "honeymoon" period, he began to treat me horribly once again. He had learned something all right...he learned that if he said all the right things he could sucker me into coming back. He also learned that he could abuse me and I'd take it...after all, I came back! He even told me that I must like being treated like that because I came back and stayed with him. Well, I broke up with him again...this time for good. I won't be fooled a third time. And I cut off contact, changed my number and moved to a new house so he can't drive by or try to call or text. And it's been a tremendous relief, I don't miss him one bit.

You are absolutely right that if you do decide to go back things will be nice for a few weeks...until she can't tolerate being nice to you anymore and starts abusing you again. And this time it will be worse, because she will know that she can do any horrible thing she feels like doing and you'll come back if she apologizes prettily enough.

I hope you stay strong and don't allow her to sucker you into going back to her. If you truly want your life to be better and stay that way, I recommend you cut off contact. Change your number and don't respond to any emails or messages. If you do that, soon you'll start to recover and you'll wonder why you put yourself through all this torture. Especially when you meet a nice girl who doesn't abuse people.
yes I believe people can change but if your ex was really happy with you then she wouldn't have been so quick to try moving on to another relationship but moving on just hasn't panned out for her the way she thought it would, if it had she wouldn't have given you a second thought. What's worse is she kept you dangling on a string thinking you two were still together.

But I think to her you are the lesser of evils right now, even though she wasn't happy with you, her life on her own isn't so great either which is the reason she wants you back. IF you go back to her it's just unlikely to last because I think as soon as something better comes along, she'll leave you in her dust trail. This is why she kept you hanging in the first place because she was hedging her bets. I don't believe this was about a fling, or a moment of weakness, it was her looking for a way out of the relationship, but she didn't have the conscience to do it cleanly and openly until she figured things were working out for her (at the time).

And, if you don't give anyone else a chance, then you'll never get the chance to one day be with someone who knows you even better without the lies and distrust. 4 years seems like a long time, but really it's a blip in your life, your next relationship may last 30 years! you just never know.
I second what Kszan said.

You're doing to her what she did to you! You're telling her you want no contact, yet you're contacting her to tell her you love her and miss her and are thinking about her. You're giving her hope there's a possibility you'll go back. And all the while you've been seeing someone else!

I think rather than her stringing you along, you're now stringing her along. You don't want to end contact because then she might move on and forget about you and find someone else and you don't want her to. You aren't sure what you want, but you want to make sure she doesn't meet someone else in case you do decide to go back.

Just because she did that to you doesn't mean it's right to do it to her. It's not nice no matter who does it or why they do it. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Either go back to her and end this soap opera, or leave her alone while you decide what you want. THEN, if you feel like you two belong together (for some reason I wouldn't understand), contact her and tell her you're willing to give it another chance. But don't give her false hope and don't string her along while you dither.

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