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You Were ALL Right
Apr 30, 2012
Hello! Some may remember a previous post of mine, asking why my ex always comes back. He is the worst person I ever met. I was never made to feel as bad as he made me feel this past weekend. As a recap, over the years he would always find me, make me feel like he's learned so much about life but would always run. Well, he ran again this time, but not before ripping my heart from my chest. This time around, we would keep in touch every few days. He would always "like" what I did on Facebook. He sent a picture of roses to my phone on Valentines Day. He actually followed through with making plans to get together. HE asked me if I wanted brunch or dinner. It was the first time I saw him in 9 years. I was surprised he followed through. We went to dinner, went to the golf driving range, and went for coffee. He tried nothing sexually. We had a great time. But during the night he told me he was still a d-bag. I was thrown but felt he was looking for acceptance. Like it was his way of telling me he isn't the man he wants to be. I KNOW HE ENJOYED BEING WITH ME!!! We kissed at the end of the night and said we'd like to get together again. He told me he was so nervous but was pleasantly surprised when we kissed. I thought maybe this was the grown "adults" we would work to understand each other and find ways to accept our differences.

Once again, things took a turn. He backed off. I would write and he would respond like a day or two later, or hours later. So I backed off. Then he would send a picture of something I like and say "Thinking of you." I tried to play casual b/c I didn't want him to have all the power. But when I wrote, I started to get a short response and a ttys or gotta go. I was being blown off....AGAIN. What a fool, right...for believing it could work. This past week, he put up a picture of him sleeping on Facebook. Right away...WHO took the picture???? My heart sank. My therapist brought up BPD or Narcissism. She mentioned many of his actions mirror both. I was having a very hard time b/c once again I was put in a position to just be at a distance, and watch what he does on Facebook and not contact me anymore, or reach out and see what the deal was.

I'm very blind when it comes to others giving me attention. I usually miss someone flirting with me or trying to talk to me. It goes right over my head. Yet I can't explain why this situation is so clear to me...even when he treats me like garbage. I feel the same way I felt 9 years ago. He knows he can have a good thing with me, but is terrified. He knows he has issues but doesn't want to address them. He knows I see through the world he's created, of pot smoking, drinking, and other screw around behavior. He reaches out to me because he initially wants to try but can't handle it and runs. WHY DOES HE SEEK ME OUT???? WHY DOES HE COME BACK??? If you want nothing to do with me...why? Why take me out? You can have any girl. Why me?

SaturdayI sent him a picture of me of a celebrity I met. He responded it was awesome. We had a few back and forths and then he cut me short with "I gotta go." So I called him out on it. I told him I expected that. He said "whatever that means." I said it means that I expected him to have to go. That I was reaching out and he pulled away..again. So I was expecting him to have to go. I told him he was playing the same game. The following was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.

"Fine...the reason I have to go is because my friend just walked in with breakfast, and then she's taking me to the Yankee game. If you wanna start sh*t for no reason, you won. I'm done with you once again. I've moved past your bullsh*t. I don't want to hang out with you. I didn't even want to see you that night we hung out. Have a nice life...we could have stayed friends. I told you that on our date (No he didn't). I didn't want you to be the rebound girl cause you were too good for that, but now I don't care anymore."

I cried for hours. How could someone be so cruel and hurtful? I did nothing wrong but believe in him. My question.....why does he come to me? I don't seek him out..he finds me. Am I dumb to believe he has feelings and just can't handle it? Are his actions the actions of someone with BPD? Does he hate me that much or is it himself he hates and it's easier to be mean to others to avoid himself? I feel so sad and angry. I did nothing to deserve how he treated me or spoke to me. Over the years, it was obvious he wasn't nice to me, yet I always rooted for him b/c of the deeper issue with depression. I never wanted anyone to give up on me because of my depression, therefore I never gave up on him. What did I do wrong and why does he do this to me? Why does he hate me so much to hurt me as he has? I feel awful about myself. I don't buy a word of the cruelness that he wrote but yet feel so terrible. I feel they are just hurtful words because he is a coward and can't man up. I just don't understand. I feel like such a fool.

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