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Trust Again?
May 12, 2012
Iím in desperate need of some neutral advice, friends. This is a long story, but Iíll do my best to keep it short. I dated a guy from the time I was 18 until I was 32; Iím now a 36 yr old woman. He and I had that crazy, all consuming type of love which seems to either burn itself out or warm into something stable and maintainable. Ours crashed and burned hard. Real hard. Though I was the one to end things, he emotionally and mentally broke off with me way before I finally said those 3 words, Letís break up. Things seemed fine until we had a 1 year break up over something pretty serious (not cheating), and I decided to move to Dallas. He moved to Georgia. And thatís where the fun really began.

At first, when we hooked back up, doing the long distance thing was OK Ė not great Ė but ok. Though he never seemed to handle the distance as well as I did. Additionally, he had little money. Then he started pulling away: infrequent contact, unavailable, secretive, forgetful, not as interested in sex on our visits. I wasnít sure if he had fallen out of love with me or was just cheating. Turns out it was both. He was far more interested in his new life in Georgia than he was in our relationship. And eventually, this led to his cheating, which he didnít admit to until after weíd broken up.

If losing a 14 year relationship and my best friend wasnít bad enough, I was left with a plague of questions and self doubts. I didnít understand what had happened because he was never honest enough to just tell me his goals had changed, and he wanted to move on. The breakup sent me into a spiral of depression which eventually led to severe weight loss and health problems. Eventually, I got over it and moved on with my life.

That was 4 years ago, though he remained in contact with me over the years from time to time, and occasionally tried to get back together with me. But the times he wanted to get back together were usually on the heels of a bad breakup with someone else or something bad happening in his life, and heís always viewed me as a Rock. (Funny, isnít it?)

Now heís back. Recently, he started contacting me and eventually told me he had changed, that he had never stopped loving me and that he needs me back in his life for keeps. We spoke about our breakup and all the things weíd done wrong Ė mostly him, he admits, though some of it was me, too. Last week he visited me for the first time in 4 years, and I was in love with him all over again. Not sure if I ever really stopped. He says he feels the same. He was supposed to stay a couple of days and instead stayed a week. He says he knows Iím the one now, and wants to get married and plan for a future where we can be together. And all of this soundsÖstrange.

Is it even possible for a man to go from madly in love to out not in love and back to madly in love with the same woman in a single lifetime? Even though Iím still in love with him, and have forgiven him the pain he caused me, Iím not ready to sign on for Round 2 in case itís just more of a waste of time. Also, when he was here, he was Mr. In Love for the most part, but sunk back into Mr. Detached toward the end of the trip. Not sure if heís catching my vibes of uncertainty, or if he just had his fill in 4 days.

I just canít get past wondering if heíll randomly fall out of love with me again, and the feeling that heís on the rebound both from a previous Ė not so long ago Ė relationship, as well as from a recent dip in his life. Am I nuts for even considering a reconciliation after all this time?

Thanks all and sorry for the War & Peace question.





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