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This may be a little long but I think it will help you.

First, I want to applaud you for not giving in to temptation. I for one know that temptation is not an easy thing to ignore. Secondly, I believe that the reason you can't get her out of your head is simply because she's having issues with her boyfriend. Just think about this for a sec...she's telling you how unhappy she is and that she feels stuck where she is. But you moved on with your wife and you claim you're happy. If you were truly happy you wouldn't be thinking about her all the time. It sounds like a part of you wishes you could be where this girl is. You may even wish you could be her hero and run to her and rescue her. Maybe because of the two of you were so close. You know a lot about her and you want her to be protected and happy. You say you can't imagine life without your wife and I believe that. It's natural to feel that way because you're married to her. You're used to her and her ways and you have a good time with her. But with this girl, there's a part of you that wonders "what if". Even if you don't see it that way, it's probably true. You guys never even kissed and I'm sure you wonder how it would've been if you did give in. Would you guys be together today? Even though you're happy with your wife, maybe you would've been happier with this girl?

I think a part of you is very curious about this girl. I mean, you already know what it's like to be with your wife. You've been with her for quite some time now. But with this girl, you guys had a very intense relationship, a strong attraction and the fact you guys never did anything makes you even more curious. The only reason you'd be thinking about her so much is because she does talk to you about her relationship. I think if you cut all ties (even though you've tried and it made things worse), it would eventually get better. You won't think about her all the time. Yes, maybe she'll cross your mind here and there and you'll often wonder if she's still with him or with someone else. You may even wonder if she thinks about you too. But in the end you will get over it because you don't talk anymore. You'll move on completely with your wife. You haven't completely moved on even though you claim you have. If you did you wouldn't think of her. No matter what she tells you, you wouldn't sit there and think about her all of the time. You would see her as someone you used to talk to and did like at one point but someone you moved on from.

If you stop talking to her it'll improve things. Look, I had to stop talking to a lot of people because of this very reason. If it's to save a marriage you want saved, you will sacrifice. Chances are you and this girl will never be together because I can tell there's a lot of respect between the two of you and even more importantly, for your significant others and I don't think either one of you will do anything unless you guys left the ones you're with. Like you said, you won't leave your wife. You sound like a very respectable guy that's just torn between emotions. But I think you have to sit down and figure out what you really want. And if you want to save your marriage then you have to let her go. One thing to keep in mind: it sounds like you truly do love your wife and I say this because even when this girl was still hanging around, you still proposed to your wife because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. It sounds to me you're infatuated with this other girl. If it was love you wouldn't be happy with your wife. You would feel down and out about being married to her. You would wish you were married to the other girl instead. Only if it were real love. But because you married the girl you're with today, you truly love her. Remember, curiosity killed the cat. So don't do something you will later regret unless you plan on having a long term relationship with her.
[QUOTE=goldeneye89;5048063]You are right, this is not fair to my wife at all. That's why I'm avoiding contact with this other girl. I guess I just need some help/advice on how to not think about her so much. I would prefer to avoid therapy or medicine, mostly because I think they can often make matters worse.[/QUOTE]

Golden-eye. I know what it's like to have someone in your thoughts on a regular basis. It's not fun and I do not envy being in your place. I just recently had a boyfriend cheat on me, then tell me that he did it because "it made his heart race, it was something exciting, but that he loved me and never meant to hurt me". That hurt more than you could ever imagine, especially because we had been together for two years and were, at the time, living together. I ended the relationship knowing full well I could never trust him or his words again. Then again (I don't think it's you) he was also a big weirdo... But I digress. All of this being said, can I just state something?

When I see this scenario happening, whether it be between my friends or even in my own past relationships, what I have come to realize is that it seems to always be a fear of being stuck in a "familiar" relationship versus a possibility of a "what if". You have been with your wife for how long now? Probably several years? She is familiar. Her touch is familiar. The way she kisses you is familiar. It's routine and, while you like it, it is what it is. There are no surprises. For this, you love her. She will always be that person you fell in love with so many years ago.

This girl. She is [B]new[/B]. She brings excitement into your life that you had never truly believed could be something you wanted before. She is unfamiliar. You wonder what it would be like to hold her hand. You wonder what it would be like to hear her say "I Love You". You wonder what it could be like to intimately touch her. It's all about the "What If". You'll never know, therefore you will always wonder.

Humans are insatiable by nature. We always want more, despite how much we say we don't. We want the newest fashion, desert after dinner, another piece of candy, that new cellphone that everyone has when our old cellphone does basically the same thing. It is the curse of the unknown. The possibility that there could be something BETTER out there for us.

What we don't realize is that everything we need, everything we LOVE, is directly in front of us. Your wife - this person you countlessly go on to say how much you adore, love and respect - she is standing in front of you. She is willing to commit to a lifetime with you, bear your children, build a happy future. That might not seem like a sacrifice to you, but it does to me.

If you love her as much as you say you do, you cut off all connection to this girl. You might want to save this girl, show her that you could be the man she needs, but THAT IS NOT YOU. I applaud you for not giving in to temptation, because many men could not do that, but like I said, if you respect your wife - it doesn't matter if she says you can have a friendship with this woman - you will stop talking to this girl. It may seem hard at the beginning, but at the end of the day, she will become a distant memory - something that once made you smile, but that's all it is.

I hope whatever I wrote makes you think. I can't make the choice for you, but I really do hope you consider your options and weigh what is most important to you. Best of luck.





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