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I have to vent. I canít really tell or express how I feel to anyone in my life and I do not see my therapist until next week. I hope this is not too lengthy or boring for anyone to read, but I would greatly appreciate some outside feedback. Essentially what my issue is about is this deep-seated feeling that I am not really liked or important to the people in my life. I feel that I am easily forgotten. I believe that if I did not put the huge amount of effort that I do into these relationships, I would not hear from most of these people. On the other hand, I have been told by my mother that I think the world revolves around me and that I need to focus on others occasionally. My boyfriend also told me that I demand peopleís attention and that I should not expect people to drop everything to get what I want from them. I can see how sometimes I may behave in this manner, but I believe it is a direct result of feeling forgotten by important people in my life. I will try to organize my feelings and thoughts by going through each of the people I feel this way about. Before I begin: Last time I met with my counselor he was trying to get at the root of why I have such low-self esteem and self-worth. I shared some things my mother has said and done to me and he said that this could be a direct correlation. He said it may seem insignificant, but really itís huge.

My dad: Really doesnít give a crap and never asks me about my life. It has been this way since I became a teenager. When I was little I was a daddyís girl. When I started getting boobs and hormones he had no idea how to relate to me, so I have not really had a relationship with him for decades.

My mom: My mom and I, overall, have a pretty good relationship. I love the time we have where we can just talk for hours, her and I. We can talk about anything and this time with her is precious to me. However, when we are around other extended family she makes comments that make me feel small and insignificant. If I am talking about things going on in my life, she may make a comment like, ďOk, we have heard enough about you, how about letís hear from othersĒ. I understand she is just wants to be polite to everyone else and she is worried about me being rude, but our family is huge and we all talk at once. I donít see how I could dominate the conversation even if I tried. She will also say things, like, ďShe can get her own drinkĒ, if I am over at my auntís and she offers me a drink. These things I never really thought twice about because I just repressed them, but when I think about them it hurts me. It makes me feel like I am not important to her. Today my friend and I were talking to her about what we are getting my cousin for her birthday. My friend told her what her gift would be and my mom gushed about what a wonderful gift it was. I told her what I was getting her and she said, ďYour cousin is getting drinks and dinner and I got a certificate for mother and daughter tea that I havenít even gotten yet?Ē That made me sooo upset. My dad just had his kidney removed two weeks ago. Since I gave her, her gift my dad has been in and out of the hospital. A few weeks ago I mentioned tea to her and she said it was not a good time. Why would she make that comment? Just to make me feel bad? She does this kind of thing a lot. She gushes over others, while I am old news. It really hurts. Am I just acting like a two-year-old not getting my way?

My cousin: I love my cousin to death. She is actually my cousin by marriage, but since she married my cousin we have gotten close and I consider her one of my best friends. Thing is, if I did not call her or text her or make plans with her, I would never see her. She does NOT hold up her end of the relationship AT ALL. My mom says she is like this with everyone and why she does not have friends. I understand this is a trait related to her and has nothing to do with me, but there are times I get really frustrated with it. If I donít hear from her, I will tell her I miss her and we should make plans. She always responds that she misses me too and that we should hang out soon, but she wonít make plans; thatís all she says, end of conversation. It is always me trying to maintain this friendship and sometimes it just gets old. I canít exactly get mad at her or stop being her friend as she is a part of our family.

My best friend: I love her, as she is my best friend. She has been there for me through bad times and she is the kind of friend who will be there if you need her, but sometimes I feel like itís always all about her. She dominates every conversation we have. She interrupts me and I rarely can get a whole sentence out. She loves my family and sometimes I feel like she butts in way too much. My cousin just had a baby and ALL the family was there and somehow my friend managed to be one of the first people in to see the baby. I then found out she felt she deserved to see him before me, because she was there before I was. Really? It is MY family. She also makes me feel guilty if I donít go see my cousin or my grandma. It really isnít her business. And this cousin is the same one I talked about before. Maybe I am not going to see her because I am fed up with our one-sided friendship. I just donít know.

Extended family: I have some extended family that really does not give a crap about me. They deleted me or never became my friend on Facebook, yet they are all over other family memberís Facebook pages. This has been a feeling I have had for a long time. My family will go up to my Grandmaís cabin with all the rest of the family. We have done this since I was little. These particular family members will ask about everyone else, yet show very little interest in me. This is why I have stopped going up there; I just donít feel I belong, with my mom and her, ďEnough about youĒ comments and these other people.

Other friends: I learned a long time ago that good friends are hard to come by. I have stopped removing people from my life who donít put the same amount of effort into friendships that I do, because if I did, I would have no one in my life. I have a friend I met in class awhile ago. She is the sweetest girl ever, but if I did not make plans with her, I would barely see her. This seems to be the same with most of my other friends. Why is this? I know that is a ridiculous question, as no one knows me and canít really answer, but does this happen to others? It would feel really nice to have a friend text me once in a while asking how I am and if I want to go to coffee, instead of me doing it every dang time. I am getting exhausted doing this with all of my friends in an attempt to keep the friendships alive. I am exhausted.

I know this sounds super immature and whiny, but these are feelings I have had for some time that I try to ignore. I am not the kind of person that screams, ďLook at me! Look at me! Arenít I special?Ē So, I donít know why my mom makes these kinds of comments. I donít know why I am the one who makes more effort in my friendships. I donít know why my boyfriend thinks I demand attention, especially when I never get his attention anyways.
I am just feeling super down on myself and I am doing the ďpoor meĒ thing, but these are real feelings that make me feel less about myself and make me question every relationship I have in my life.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far. I appreciate the time.





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