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He Lied to Me!
Jul 20, 2012
This is gonna be a long one, guys:

I've been dating my (ex)boyfriend for over 2 years now and we've been living together for over 6 months (same guy I posted about over a year ago). Since the beginning of the relationship, I was head over heels in love. Everything was nice. We obviously had a few arguments here and there, nothing too trivial. The only times any argument blew up was over his flirting and his relationship with other women.

Now, I won't lie. I've made mistakes and I've kissed a guy before. We were a few months into our relationship and I was drunk and kissed someone, but was so guilty that I told him 5 minutes after it happened and I've done anything I can since then to show him that he can trust me.

A year into our relationship, my ex went back to school to become an accountant. During his time at school, he made a new friend named, Anita. I never met her, but I always wanted to if just to put my mind at ease. I was respectful of their friendship; I never pressured him into ending their friendship and felt it was healthy that he had a female friend outside of his and my circle of friends. However, in the back of my mind, I always had this strange feeling that it was more than just friendship. He assured me it was nothing more, that was I was crazy, irrational, and overreacting so I shut up about it, embarrassed about my jealousy. I had had other boyfriends cheat on me before, but I was really working toward not comparing him to those guys.

Things were going fine, until I stupidly came across his unlocked cellular phone. I knew it was wrong, but I looked at it anyway. I found a text asking Anita to come over for lunch, which I was irritated about because a) I don't know her and b) I didn't want some random woman coming back to my apartment without my consent or knowledge. So, I confronted him about it. I told him that it wasn't cool with me and, if he did want her to come to lunch, that I wanted to meet her first just so that I could put a face to a name. Otherwise, I told him, she was just some random girl who was texting my boyfriend. He agreed and told me that he felt sorry for her: she was a 27-year-old, single mother of a 9-year-old and she had this illness where she wasn't able to grow any hair and wore a wig. He played on my sympathy card and I didn't bring it up much after that. However, I did tell him that I really wished that he didn't feel like he had to hide things/her from me. He agreed that he wouldn't

A few weeks later, I openly asked him if he wanted Anita to come join us for lunch one day and he said that he didn't even speak to her anymore. In fact, he whipped out his phone and showed it to me. There were no messages from her or him and I was content with knowing that. Regardless, I didn't want him to feel as though I was limiting him, so I said it was ok for their friendship to continue, as long as - again - he didn't hide things from me. He agreed, but again told me he didn't really care to talk to her anyway.

A month later, I asked him if he and Anita ever spoke anymore. He swore up and down that he didn't even talk to Anita anymore. So, I just brushed it off. Sometimes friendships pass - I know that too well.

Since April, we've been going pretty strong, especially after I came back from a vacation. Our sex life was back on track, we weren't arguing about anything big, I didn't feel as though his flirting was overbearing, and he showered me with so much attention. I was happy and he seemed exceptionally happy with us. We had planned all these trips together this Summer. His parents were going to be in town, our parents were going to meet, my birthday was coming up, he was going to help me plan it...etc etc.

Last Thursday, I finally logged into my facebook again in a long time. I'm a teacher, so I had some down time while the kids were working on an independent project. It was at this time that I realized that I had a pending message that I didn't even notice before. It was from someone I didn't know, who wasn't even on my FB list.

This person told me there was something about my EX that I needed to know. Turns out, he and Anita have regular smoke breaks during work (they work two blocks away from each other). Apparently, they kissed last June, a "make out" or so a screen-capped picture of Anita's text message to her friend said. In the screen caps that I received, she joked about how my ex apparently joked to her about having "booty calls" at our apartment at lunch, because that was when I wasn't there. I was shocked, hurt, and know how it is.

I called him out on it and he flat out denied it. He said that the person messaging me was Anita's ex who is crazy and likes to stir things up, which I totally agree with because after a few messages, the guy started harassing me. But, that's beside the point. Half of this was going down on text, as I was still in the classroom. He "SWORE ON HIS LIFE THAT [HE WASN'T] CHEATING ON ME"; he "LOVED ME, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO KISS ANYONE ELSE?"; HE "DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT [ME]!" It wasn't until I basically told him that I had a picture of text messages to prove it that he finally admitted it.


I had never taken a day off work before. I've always been 100% dedicated to my job and my students, but I was in such hysterics that I literally had to leave THAT MOMENT! I had to quickly run from teacher to teacher to see who could cover my last 3 classes and I went home.

It's been a whirlwind of emotions since then. I got the confirmation for 4 different parties that they never slept together, but that doesn't help the situation. I spoke to her and she said that she would have never slept with him, that she was going through a break up and wasn't thinking, that she wasn't that kind of girl. I thanked her for talking to me, but assured her that I would never think back on her fondly or with any respect. That what she did and what he did were so disrespectful beyond belief and that I can only hope that they learn their lessons before they find whomever they end up, even if it means each other.

Once I told him that I spoke to her and what she said, he was really upset, saying she was lying to make herself feel better. And that he was never going to speak to her again - I have no solace in that. His promises mean nothing to me now. And, what if she DID say yes?

It's been so hard, especially finding this out 6 days before my 28th birthday. This is the first time he's doing anything remotely close to cheating, but his flirting has escalated to the point where I can no longer trust him. He hasn't made any attempt to even get me back, but keeps apologizing and I am sick of it. He's staying at the apartment until the end of the month so he can find a new place, but I am so brokenhearted. Part of me wants him back and I feel like I'm going crazy. I love him, but I can't be with him anymore and that kills me.

I don't want him to be the man I will always love, even if he hurt me so badly.

Can anyone just talk to me? I feel like I'm insane.
Re: He Lied to Me!
Jul 22, 2012
Well, guys, thanks for your lovely words and I'm here to update you and whomever else read this on my situation. I know it's going to sound like venting and that I'm exaggerating, but I write this in the hopes that everyone will learn from my experience.

So, it was my 28th birthday on Wednesday. Like I said before, I found out he kissed Anita and joked about having sex with her just 6 days before. Since writing that last post, I talked to my ex, D, who admitted that he had done it because "it was new and spontaneous and made his heart beat", that there was some attraction there, but he never would've acted on it. Since then, he had been staying at the apartment, in the living room. He would talk to me when he came back from work, like we were friends, that nothing happened, which totally shocked me. He would also come into my room in the morning to tell me to have a good day at work and to remind me "how cute [I] looked in the morning." WHAT IS THIS?!

I decided, on Friday (July 20th), to go out and celebrate my birthday and to not let him or what he did stop me from having fun with my friends. Obviously, by the end of the night, I was sad. The one person whom I wanted to be with me wasn't, and I ended up leaving earlier than I expected.

At the end of the night, my other roommate decided he wanted to sleep at his girlfriend's place, which meant that my ex, D, and I would be in the apartment alone. This was fine, because I had the bedroom and he was sleeping on the couch. It was planned that he would be out of the apartment once he found another suitable place to live - something I thought was nice of me to do, considering he cheated on and betrayed me.

My friends called me (it was around 2am at the time); they were at a restaurant and they wanted me to come out. I refused and they assured me that, once they finished eating, they would come over and bring me something to eat. As a result, I tried to wake my ex up to tell him that a) he was snoring exceptionally loudly and b) that he might want to move to our roommate's room because my ex was sleeping on the couch in his underwear. It was at this point, he exclaimed: "You're such a piece of work, J." He repeated this a few times, to which I told him it wasn't right for him to say anything of the sort considering he was the one who hurt me. He got up and swayed a bit: I could tell he had been drinking or smoking marijuana or something, because he enunciated differently when under the influence.

He then went on to say that he "couldn't wait until Sunday", to which I told him upfront to just come clean about whatever he was insinuating because I was tired of all the bulls**t he had and was again putting me through. He then walked up to me and shoulder-checked me on the way to the bathroom. At this point, my friend A had called me and I had just picked up the phone. I had had enough, I walked up to him, told him to tell me the truth, and to never touch me again. He laughed at me, then said: "You're out, J. You lose the apartment. P (our roommate) and I had a vote, you're out. You're not the friend, you're just the girlfriend. We were just waiting until after your birthday to break the news to you."

I began to cry; when I had originally asked P if he would be okay with me staying at the apartment, he said it was fine. Obviously, they had both been planning this for quite some time behind my back. I slapped him and yelled at him, how could he put me through this again. He started shouting at me, calling me a weirdo and crazy and that he was happy to be rid of me. I had never hit him in our relationship before.

It was at this point that he pushed me on the floor and told me to get up and stop crying because it was nothing and that I was just exaggerating. I dropped my phone, so my friend, A, was hearing the entire thing and, I guess, told my other friends that it was not going well.

D walked to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. I followed him in and protested against them kicking me out. I told them that it wasn't right for them to displace me after everything he had put me through. He LAUGHED IN MY FACE and said: "So, what? Yeah, I cheated on you, but - guess what, J? - I got the apartment." I lost it; I began to scream at him through tears, slapping him, telling him what a **** he was and how he could put me through this after everything I gave him. I supported him financially, mentally, physically. I nurtured him; told him everything was great, that he was great. AND THIS IS HOW I'M REPAID?

I sat on my couch in the living room and began to bawl. He walked past me, outside on to the balcony, and said this: "You know what, J? You're not even on the lease. It's my name and P's name. We could have you evicted tomorrow. So, it's bye bye to downtown for you, J. Go back to Mommy and Daddy's house. You're out." Then, what came out of his mouth next shocked me beyond belief.

"Because, the truth is, J; the truth is this: Women. Never. Win."

What more could I say? I was beaten, bruised, and depressed. He took my heart, my pride, everything. It was at this point, I just let him say whatever; he started calling me names, crazy, *****, whatever. At that point, my friends walked into the door. And, D just...snapped? He acted as though nothing was wrong, he said brightly: "Hey, guys! How's it going? Hey, A! Long time, no see!" and gave my friend a high-five?!

I went into my bedroom and D tried to follow me in. Now that people were there, he began apologizing, saying how he never meant to hurt me. I slammed my bedroom door in his face. My guy friends stayed outside with him, talking about God knows what. I packed a bag and stayed at a friend's place.

The next morning, my friends banded together and helped me move out of the apartment at top speed. During this time, D was texting me, telling me that what I did last night was uncalled for, how he only remembers me physically attacking him like some crazy person. I didn't even bother to reply, because he obviously had gotten so drunk that he didn't remember, or that he pretended not to remember so as to be a victim. I had had it. No more games.

I wanted to get everything out of the apartment before he came home from his lunch date - I guess, with his parents? My friends had already taken the majority of everything and had driven it to my parents' and aunt's place. I was doing one final sweep of the place with my sister, my aunt, and my 10 year old cousin, when D walked back into the apartment. I ushered my family outside and told them to wait a bit. I wanted my peace of mind. I recounted - without any tears - the entire story back to D, who assured me that he couldn't believe he would say that to me. I told him that, after two years of trying to convince me that I was jealous, crazy and irrational, I finally knew that it was HIM who was crazy. To push a girl, jeer at them, revel in your adulterous ways, throwing out misogynistic comments, turning Dr. Jekall and Mr. Hyde on my friends, it was all INSANE! It was too insane for me! That he cheated on his exes before, cheated on me, and was probably going to cheat on his next girlfriend. That he would never learn to be a better man. That I took him back after he said he was going to shank me in my sleep one time - SHAME ON ME! I told him that his issues were not about selfishness anymore, that it was PSYCHOLOGICAL! And then, I left.

I've never been more proud of myself. I hope to God my story shows someone on here that they shouldn't make excuses for losers who manipulate them into believing that they love you. A good relationship is where there is trust and commitment, where you shouldn't feel like you're crazy for wanting them to stay truthful to you. Be strong, stay strong. You're worth it.

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