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I feel numb
Aug 22, 2012
Lately hasn't been the same for me. I have never felt the pain and loneliness that I'm feeling right now. To most this may seem minor, but people are built to adapt. Ones experience can't be compared to another for the simple fact that they haven't experienced anything worse. Sure, it's easy to put your self in someone else's shoes and share empathy for that person but you never truly know how it feels until it happens to you. The pain I'm describing feels as close to your chest being torn open as I possibly imagine. I'm guessing you're all wondering what the title exactly means. I'll elaborate for you all. I suppose this was about 9 years ago, when I was just 11 years old. I used to visit my grandparents every summer, and they were very religious people. My popaw, being a southern Pentecostal preacher, was a withdrawn man, that spent many hours in his office studying his bible preparing for the next church service. My grandmother was a jack of all trades, she cooked, cleaned, cut grass, and just about everything else you can imagine. Now as you can imagine, they made darn sure I was in church every time the doors were open, keeping me very involved. Because I only got to spend the summers with my grandparents, this wasn't all that bad. My mom who I lived with just 2 and a half hours away didn't make me go to church. So spending some of my summer days in church wasn't so bad for an 11 year old boy getting spoiled by his grandparents. I appreciate them, and all they've done for me, but this story isn't about them. I remember like it was yesterday, my grandmother had picked me up in a small town after meeting my mom half way. The drive was kind of long one way so often they would meet and exchange the kids (me, my sister, and cousins) somewhere around half way. This particular summer was different. My grandparent's had moved to an all new church, and my grandmother told me about how engaged the youth leaders were; she explained to me how much fun I was going to have at their new church with all the other kids my age. Church wasn't until Sunday morning, so I still had quite a while before going. Come Sunday morning, I remember going into children's church. It was a special class for kids in church, where you danced and sang praise and worship, etc etc; you know, kid stuff. Something wasn't right tho, this class was different. Singing, and following the steps to a song they had on a projector; i'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on her. She was shorter than me, and was wearing a pink shirt with her hair in a pony tail. Me, being the new kid in class, thought I was too cool to sing and dance along with all the kids; but that all changed when I seen this girl in the front row, spinning around to the instructions of the song. I can't describe what love at first sight is, because I don't think it's possible. But I can remember till this day, that when I looked at her beautiful brown eyes, and long brunette hair that something was special about this girl. I was just 11 years old, so you can only imagine what I was thinking. I can remember thinking she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. After meeting her for the first time, we clicked like best friends. I remember after church that summer, she would steal my shoes and I'd chase her. It was a little game we played just to get me to chase her I suppose. Finally it would be time to go, and I'd say bye, and so would she. That would be the end of that until the next church service. She changed everything for me that summer, because after the first time I laid eyes on her, all I could do was anticipate and be excited for the next time we were at church. I soon figured out, that Miss.K(we'll keep her name a secret) was also only visiting for the summer. Her Mom and Stepdad were the youth leaders, but Miss.K lived in Florida with her biological father all other parts of the year. So it worked out perfectly, every summer we would see each other; and it was some of the best summers of my life. We really grew up together. I can remember being 13, and she was 10 (she's 2 and a half years younger than me) when she invited me over to her Mom's to swim a few times one summer. We held hands, and we almost kissed a few times, but never did. We were afraid. I remember her Mom pulling me into her bedroom and locking the door the first time I came over and told me how much she loved her daughter, and if I did ANYTHING out of line she would make me pay for it. She told me she was always watching, so I made sure not to slip up. After that summer, I remember we were "girlfriend and boyfriend" for about 2 weeks. Her friends at church always told me how much older I was than her, and I needed to find someone my own age. They caused so many problems, I remember coming to a point to were I dumped her and I said "you're just a stupid 10 year old". It broke her heart. I didn't mean it, but her friends had been hounding me for so long, and they were convincing her the same thing. It just caused allot of problems in our friendship and I eventually snapped. We went a whole year without talking... I hadn't seen her the summer before either. But years later, when I was just 15 years old, I remember seeing her face again. Unexpectedly, she showed up at church, and after a year and a half without seeing or talking to me, she was quick to say hey. We didn't really talk much to begin with, but we warmed up. I remember that during church service, I would walk outside to get a drink of water. I would end up staying outside just to wait on her to follow me out. Even tho we sat on different sides of the church, we always had our eyes on each other. She would come out and keep me company till church was over. I'd make her laugh, and we would enjoy each others company. This summer, we both had cell phones. It was a big deal, because we were quick to exchange numbers. We would text casually but nothing serious. At this point in my life, I had alot going on. My Mom was going through a divorce and living with a man I hated. Because of all this, I quit school right as I turned 16 and shut my self off to the rest of the world. After summer was over and I was back home, I remember living in my apartment bedroom literally 20 hours a day. I only came out to eat, and shower. I was consumed by the computer, and internet. Video games were a big part of my life; but one thing that kept me sane was Miss.K's phone number. I would text her every single day. I remember talking to her was the highlight of my day. For almost a year, I stayed locked up in a room, putting all my time and energy into Miss.K. She was my only friend, outside of the internet. I was a pretty suicidal kid, I constantly had thoughts and ideas of how it might be better not to exist; but I was a coward. Plus Miss.K was always so happy to talk to me, what would she do without me? I positioned my sleep schedule around her day, so that when she got off school, I was the first person she could talk to. I remember staying up till 4-5am, and texting her goodmorning. Talking to her till she was at school, then I would go to sleep till about 2pm when she got out of school. She would call me on her way home every day, and we would always talk and laugh about things. It was never dull for us.. Well that winter came, and I knew she was coming up to visit her Mom. I decided to spend my winter break with my grandparents. After becoming such close friends, Miss.K and I were bound to hang out this winter. Her Mom came and picked me up almost every day, and we always had a great time together. Even tho I was a fat kid (from being locked in my room all that time) and she was a beautiful popular, dream girl. She was still my very best friend. She convinced me to get off my ***, and do something. I got my GED because of her, I moved in with my grandparents because of her. I went to college for her. And I wouldn't be where I am today without her. I have a great career, and a college degree. We clicked instantly that winter, it was like a connection that was always there just waiting for some light to shine on it. We shared our first kiss, right after Christmas. After moving in with my grandparents, I really got my act together. Miss.K went back to Florida after that Christmas break, and we continued to talk. I even got to go to the airport when she flew home. While I was in school, I worked out, inspired to look better for her. I worked really hard, and by the time the next spring came; I was ready. I got to go to the airport to pick her up that spring break, and we collided again. It was amazing. We loved each other, we really did. I remember I asked her to be my girlfriend in my bedroom floor 4/7/09. She said yes. We dated for 2 years, and I loved every minute of it. We talked constantly, but our relationship was constantly a long distance relationship. Except for the time she was up visiting her Mom of course. The summer was the highlight of every year for us. That summer of 09, I had a car so we went everywhere and did everything together. I spent everyday at her house, and we made more memories than I could ever remember. The next year was very similar, just like any other relationship, we had our problems but it wasn't anything major. I can remember her breaking up with her after 2 and a half years. She explained to me that she needed to know who she was, and she needed to make sure I was what she wanted. She dated someone else, and it ended. We got back together but it wasn't the same right off the bat. Things were rocky, but still amazing. When we're together it's how I imagine everyday of the rest of my life in a perfect world. I eventually dumped her for the same reason, and dated someone else of my own which turned out to be a mistake. I was tired of not being able to trust the long distance thing, so we went our separate ways for a few months, still talking of course. We were insuperable. Through thick and thin, we would always love each other. Well years later, after knowing her what seems to be a life time, I got to hang out with her this past summer. We've always stayed in contact, but we hadn't seen each others faces in more than a year. It was a shock. We clicked, and it was pretty amazing, but she had a boyfriend in Florida. Her Mom (at this point being like my 2nd Mom) let me stay at their house a few weekends because I work fulltime. We spent a few weekends together, and it was awesome. We did allot of things, and of course I spoiled her like I always have. And we made promises to each other all these years, that when she gets out of school we would be together. Well she has 2 more years left to go, and I can't stand it anymore. I know what it's like to feel like I would give anything for someone. I would die for her, anytime any place if it meant her safety and well being. I love her with every ounce of my existence and I can't seem to get that across to her. She loves me, and she says she knows that I love her more than anything, but she wont even try to have a long distance relationship with me. She's still with some other guy, and i'm left here wishing every day that I could be beside her. I often feel like It's my own fault, for slacking, and not doing more. The only reason we aren't in a relationship now is because I don't travel 600 miles to come see her. If I would have just flown to Florida where she lives, everything would be okay. She said me standing her up and not flying to Florida was the deciding factor in our relationship and why It ended. I feel like a failure, and a slacker. I honestly feel like I went to sleep on our relationship, and when I woke up she was gone. She's my missing puzzle piece, my other half. I don't want to go another day with out her. I'm grieving more right now than I ever have in my life. We never speak to each other, and I know she still has to love me. A part of me just wanted to get a video camera, and document myself hunting her down. Not over the phone, but actually flying to Florida and finding her in person, grabbing her up, and telling her that I will do absolutely anything to have her back, but what if it's all a waste? I'll never love someone the way I love her. I'v had time to get over her, and I'v dated too many people to even count on both hands in an attempt to get over her. I'm empty without her, and don't know what to do.

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