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Too many thoughts
Aug 28, 2012
Hello, I'm not sure if this is the right spot for my thread. So I'm sorry if you end up reading something you didn't expect, but I really have no idea what to say...
If I start at the beginning : My mother is an alcoholic; she tends to binge drink, rather than drink continually. When I was a child, I used to find this upsetting, but I was always told 2 or 3 bottles of wine on a Friday night is normal, healthy and fun. I guess I felt conflicted about this admonition, and I still do. On one the one hand, my mother is smart, persuasive and - well - my mum. On the other hand, I was always very upset seeing her faculties diminish after the third bottle.
I think my mum was terrified to find herself as a single mum in her early 20s. She used to tell me, her inspiration for keeping me, was found after seeing a man with one leg stumbling around the Underground. She thought : if he can cope, so can I. - She had quite a staunch Catholic upbringing, and I think this gave her strange ideas about family life.
As a kid, mum told me everything - especially when she was drunk. She spoke openly about depression, sex, money. When I was 10 she told me she'd married my step dad for money, and when I was 13 she complained rather a lot about how she hated him touching her. I never thought any of this was particularly odd. And perhaps it isn't...
I was a dreadful teenager. I made a few melodramatic and half thought out attempts to kill myself. The results of which, led to my being booted out of the family home, age 17. I don't think my mum really wanted this, but she had no power over my step dad. Odd things happened : I stayed in a homeless shelter for a while, during which time my mum visited, bringing me expensive groceries from Waitrose. -This went down a treat with my flatmates.
Eventually I was taken in by an ex boyfriend's parents (who I wasn't nearly grateful enough to). Nevertheless, I was safe, and I think this made my mum feel less worried about me. Every so often, when my step dad was away, my mum would invite me back home. Subsequently, I have returned home a few times, but it's been difficult to maintain any stable foundations. Especially because my step dad lives in Holland. Only ever coming back for the weekend (he works as a computer contractor - which may go some way to explain why he lives abroad), during which time, he drinks heavily. It's safe to say, my step dad and I don't know each other at all.

With all this going on, I should have been more motivated. I got into a good university, but I found it hard to concentrate, make friends, or even leave the house. During the holidays, I was dreadfully home sick. On a few occasions my mum invited me back home, only to retract the offer at the last hour. This was strange, as I felt a sense of relief at being invited back, but more often than not the offer was retracted. On the few occasions I was invited back, the family dynamics deteriorated. I have quite a few memories of my step dad shutting the front door in my face, as my mum swayed, drunkenly in the background. -I can't get these images out of my head.

-One thing that's worth mentioning : I was a dreadful teenager. I had no respect for people. I lied. A lot. I made up stories - sometimes these stories were mundane and dull. Sometimes I told huge whoppers. I don't think my step dad, or my mum, could figure out why I was lying so much. And perhaps this is the main reason why they found me so problematic. Anyway, the problems grew and grew, and - rightly or wrongly - I am now cast out of my family.

-One last thing : I never knew my real father. He's Mauritian. I have a Mauritian friend, but I really know very little about Mauritius - bar the information I find during my occasional investigations (Wikipedia, mostly). I was talking to my boyfriend the other day about heritage and parents and the like. He distinguished between the curiosity I feel towards Mauritius, and the curiosity I feel towards my dad. In his opinion, my father is just a sperm donor - no more, no less. This distinction made me wonder a bit. What would you, the reader, be more curious about - if curious at all?

Anyway...I'm 28 now, and wondering if I should be finding all the above easier to digest. At the moment, I'm unemployed, in debt, reliant on the kindness of a friend, facing job rejection after job rejection, and feeling like I'm a dependent freak. I want to feel safe, and I jumped into a relationship with a wonderful man in order to feel safe. However, I don't know if I can justify staying with him. I've often fallen back on men, and have made awful decisions in the past sheerly because I want a stable bf. In the homeless shelter I as involved with a dodgy character, just as I was recovering from a sexual assault after being spiked with rohypnol. -I think the fact I can't remember this assault, has numbed me to a lot of things. Subsequently, I've been in a lot of bad relationships. However, -and this may smack of clichés - in this relationship -at the very least - I have my eyes wide open, and feeling loved can be very healing.

My plan is to either stay with my BF, or stay with my friend's family until I have saved up enough to pay for a plane ticket to work as a teacher abroad (and start earning enough to pay off my debts). That, or get a job here - which, for whatever reason, is proving difficult.

I am scared, and avoiding facing up to my problems - both practical, and emotional. I feel quite unlovable, selfish and strange.

Putting all this on here, has helped me feel a little more real. I'm sorry I wrote so much, and thanks for reading. It's cathartic to share all this, while remaining anonymous.

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