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I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. Throughout our relationship, he has lied to me a few times, some small nonsense lies and some bigger lies. The common "reason" for the lie is because he was either afraid of what I'd think, say, or how I'd react. I guess he would rather avoid confrontation.

[U]Here is the background on my current situation:[/U]

My boyfriend used to work with a girl a few years back. He told me about her and said that everyone used to think they dated because they were so close to each other. At the beginning of our relationship, she was transferred to where he worked and I obviously was not happy about this. It was still the beginning of our relationship and I was insecure about how close they were, blah blah blah. I got irrationally mad and asked him to ask his manager for a transfer because I didn't want them working with each other. Of course, that didn't happen (nor did I expect it to) and they just continued to work with one another, all the while reassuring me that he barely saw her or spoke to her. A few months later, their work positions rotated again and they did not work together nor speak to each other.

[U]So my current situation goes like this:[/U]

About a month ago, I noticed a phone number on his phone that had no name assigned to it. I asked him who it was, he stuttered and tried to brush it off, but eventually said that it was his ex-girlfriend. I was mad that he didn't tell me he was talking to her, but he assured me that she only called to wish him a happy birthday. The way he was acting did not seem right, so I asked him to call her back. He ran to the bathroom and when he came back, he called her so that he could confirm it was really his ex-girlfriend.

He was acting really strange and it seemed fishy, so I called the number later on in the day. I got a voicemail greeting that was clearly not his ex-girlfriends name, but it was the name of girl co-worker from a few years back. I decided to confront him and ask him to tell me the truth about who called him and why. After a LONG, drawn out conversation about honesty, he eventually told me that it wasn't his ex-girlfriend, but his co-worker. He told me that she was recently transferred to the same department as him but he was afraid of how I'd react, so he decided to keep it a secret from me. He also told me that when he ran to the bathroom, he quickly called her and told her to pretend to be his ex-girlfriend.

Of course, I don't blame him for being afraid of how I'd react, but he should certainly have not lied to me and kept anything a secret. It would have been easier to sit down and discuss with me what was going on, rather than have to lie and lie and lie. He assured me that everything they spoke about was strictly work related.

We eventually had a great, heart-to-heart talk about honesty, communication, and trust. He told me that it killed him inside that he was lying to me and felt so much better being honest and truthful. I believed him and we moved past it and began working on our relationship. I told him that I would rather him tell me what was going on and who he was talking to, rather than lie. I told him that I had no negative feelings toward the girl, and it was only because of my insecurities in the beginning of the relationship.

[U]about a month later (NOW):[/U]

As he was going to play a voicemail for me, I noticed the girl co-workers phone number on the voicemail list. (He has visual voicemail). He was quickly trying to delete it. I interrupted and asked, who's that? Even though I clearly recognized the number and knew who it was. He said, oh no one. And I said, then why are you deleting it? What are you hiding, I thought we were being honest and open with each other? Well... this ended up becoming a HUGE fight involving a ton of yelling and me asking to listen to the voicemail and him doing everything in his power so that I couldn't. He even tried to break his phone so that I couldn't listen to the voicemail.

A few days passed to give us both time to cool off, and we eventually spoke to each other in person. He told me that he felt so horrible thinking about how badly we fought with each other and that he was sorry for being such a jerk to me. When I asked him about the voicemail, he told me that she left a voicemail thanking him for his help regarding a personal family matter and that she missed him. He told me that he didn't want me to listen to the voicemail and get the wrong impression. When I asked about them talking to each other, he told me that she recently started texting him. She was upset about a family issue and she was seeking comfort from him. Sometimes, she texted him late at night because he worked late and she knew he was awake. He assured me that he did not cheat or "emotionally" cheat, and that he was just trying to be nice to her. He also said she was upset because she broke up with her boyfriend recently.

In my opinion, she is being inappropriate. I understand that she needed comfort, but she could have found it elsewhere - from friends, other family, etc. She didn't have to go seeking comfort from someone who is just a co-worker. I also think that he was being inappropriate by responding to her late-night messages. Maybe I am old-school, but I find it disrespectful to text someone late at night- especially someone who isn't my boyfriend. I asked him how would he feel if he found out I was texting one of my co-workers late at night and receiving voicemails from him saying he missed me?

He agreed and understood my anger. He said it was inappropriate and that he would talk to her so that their relationship would change and be strictly professional and work-related.



Am I being stupid into believing he is telling me the truth? Do you think there is something else going on here? I just don't understand why he would lie to me about her again, especially since we had a heart-to-heart talk about honesty and communication only a few weeks ago. It just seems to have a common theme and that his lies always involve her in one way or another. Am I just being stupid? Could this be my fault because I was insecure in the beginning of our relationship?
Some people are liars. They lie as easily as breathing. They lie even when no one can figure out why. They lie even when there seems to be no benefit from lying. The reason is they learned this behavior a long time ago. They found that it was easier to lie to get out of things, so they continued until it became a habit.

I know a couple of these habitual liars. Even when I've seen them doing something with my own eyes, they'll still lie to me about it! I tell them I saw them and they still deny it! It's really unbelieveable and impossible to argue with. How do you argue with someone who flat out denies something?

Your boyfriend may be a habitual liar. He may have learned long ago to lie to get himself out of uncomfortable situations. He may or may not be doing anything inappropriate, but he'll lie anyway. It doesn't matter that you've told him you prefer he be honest with you because he doesn't think you'll find out. Then when you do he gets mad because you found him out.

I don't know if you should blame your "insecurities" about this girl because you've already told him you prefer honesty, yet he keeps lying. So either he just would rather lie to you or he has something to hide. Neither is a very nice option.

It's up to you if you can stand to be involved with someone who will choose to lie even when it doesn't make sense. You'll probably never really know what the truth is, at least not from him. Can you live with that? Because it sounds unlikely he's going to "change" and stop lying if he's been doing it for three years.
He has to lie because you're so jealous. You aren't married, if he wants to be with her, he would be. You make it impossible for him to have a friendly relationship with a co-worker. You asked him to talk to his supervisor about being transferred because you don't approve of his co-worker and this was at the beginning of your relationship?? You snoop and question unknown numbers on his phone, you ask him to embarrass himself by calling someone back so you can make yourself feel better. He must be miserable trying to hide every conversation he has with her. I agree that she probably shoŻldnt be contacting him late at night and he can ask her not to do that. I've had plenty of male co-workers that became very good friends and I never had to explain it or defend myself to my boyfriend / now husband. Jealousy isn't a attractive trait and you should work yourself and not badger him. He shouldn't have to explain himself everytime he talks to a co-worker. He doesn't have to be with you and if you keep acting like this, he probably won't be for long.





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