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Hey guys.. I'm new here. I've come hoping someone with experience with this sort of thing might be able to offer some advice. I would appreciate it more than you'll ever know!!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over one year now, and I love him with all I have. I've been in a few long-term relationships, but I've never felt this way about any of my past boyfriends. I guess you could say this is the first time I've ever truly been in love.

I was in a 3 year long relationship when I was really young (lasted from the time I was 17 until I was 20) and I got hurt really badly. I thought I loved the boy back then (I know now I really didn't.. I was sort of addicted to the drama more than anything) and our relationship was so horrible and damaging that after him, my heart kind of went cold. I was never really a "good girlfriend" after that. I chose boyfriends based on the fact that they were nice and shy and wouldn't hurt me, and I never liked them for who they really were. My intentions were good in the beginning, but my relationships bored me.. and I was the one who ended up doing the hurting. I promised my love and commitment to these guys, knowing I didn't really love them and didn't want a real future with them. I cheated on them.. not throughout the relationship.. just toward the end when I became so bored and unhappy I couldn't bare it. I know how wrong that was and I always broke off the relationship once that started. I was convinced I would just float through life from guy to guy. Never thought I would get married (never wanted to), and I never thought I would be happy in a relationship.

Anyway, when I met my current boyfriend, everything changed. From the day we met I knew I would love him. He's beautiful inside and out.. I've never been so attracted to a man. Our personalities are so similar. We make each other laugh and laugh.. we have so much in common (even our family life and upbringings), we're very comfortable with each other, we have a great sex life, we love each others parents, etc. We have a really good relationship. We fight here and there like everyone else, but it's never anything major and we can never stay mad at each other for very long. I've never been so happy or so calm in my entire life. We're living together now and we've talked about marriage. Imagine that.. ME wanting to get married! I do though. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Neither of us wants to rush into it though.. we're both on the same page there. He was married when he was extremely young (18) and he doesn't want to make the same mistake he made back then by rushing everything along. And I know I have issues that I need to work on before I go there..

Main issue being, I think I'm starting to ruin this relationship and our chance at a very happy future. For the past few months, I'm constantly asking him if he still loves me. If he's still attracted to me. If he's going to cheat on me. I'm constantly worrying about these things.. when he's done nothing at all to bring on these feelings. I over-analyze everything. If he's quiet, I think he hates me. If he doesn't initiate sex for a day or two, I think he's not into me sexually anymore. If he goes out with his friends, I sit up with a knot in my stomach, worrying. Even though he always calls to tell me he loves me and when he's coming home. Even though I know I can trust him. I don't know why I'm doing this! I cannot stand it when I see my female friends do this to their boyfriends! I hate it.. I never thought I would be that way! I know it's wrong. I know it's pushing him away. He constantly reassures me of his love for me and his attraction to me, but it's like my stupid little brain refuses to listen. The only thing I can think of is that I'm doing this out of fear.. I'm afraid to lose what we have. I'm afraid that he'll hurt me one day. I'm afraid I'm not good enough for him.

I've never been in love like this before.. I guess I don't know how to handle it all that well. What can I do? My boyfriend and I have talked about this a few times now, because obviously my behavior is upsetting him as well as me. He asks me, "Where has that super-confident girl I fell in love with gone?" I wish I knew. I've never had self-esteem issues beyond what any normal woman has (I do hate my thighs sometimes.. but hey, who doesn't? ;) ). I've never been this crazy. And I've noticed he's become a little distant since this began. Like I said, he does everything he can to reassure me. He says and does all the right things. He makes me feel so loved and so appreciated.. and yet it won't sink in! Please help me!! I've found not only a good man, but a good man who is everything I could ever want, and instead of feeling loved and lucky, here I am ruining things. :(





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