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Need help!
Jan 2, 2013
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and it's been pretty good the whole time, besides some problems. He has some anger problems, due a lot of reserved anger from his childhood and other issues, and now considering that I am the person that he sees most, as he basically lives with me, I'm the one who gets the most outbursts of his anger. He can be some what aggressive, never to the point that he would hurt me, but he has a habit of shouting in my face, bashing things around him, and just overall saying rather nasty things to me.

The main issue why we argue is just over such small petty things as we're both stressed, as people do. But recently, he has admitted a lot of things about the last year of our relationship, about how he doesn't want to express his feelings to me, or talk about his opinions as he feels that I will judge him. I had no idea that he felt this way, and I can't even explain to the extent that it upset me to know that my boyfriend feel he can't talk to me properly. He said he fears that I will judge him as I have such high morals of things, especially things that he used to do, such as smoking, not bothering at school/college etc. I have told him openly that I don't judge him, and I never will, just because I may not agree with his actions it doesn't mean that I would ever judge him. However, now he said that he is so used to the fact that he feels as though I will judge him to even try talking to me, and he clearly shouted at me 'I don't want to talk to you anymore' but then after the argument, he'll explain how he was just exaggeration and he didn't mean it to that extent. But, yet he still hasn't spoken to me, and he said that he feels as though it's tearing us apart and we're drifting away from one another. I never know if when he's angry he's telling the truth that he doesn't have the guts to say to me normally, or he is actually just exaggerating.

Up until this point, I never realised it, but it is true. We have begun to drift apart more and more each day, but he says that he still loves me just as much as he did, if not more, but that he can't talk to me, or that he'll try, but he doesn't think he'll be able to. He has never been able to open up to people, he's seen counsellors and everything to deal with his issues, and his parents are not around to comfort him either, so therefore I feel as though I need to help but I don't know how to. All in all, I will never judge him, I love him in despite of all the things that I disagree with, but I can't make him see that. I feel as though because we argue all the time as he's constantly angry and stressed, and I feel he's beginning to lose feeling for me and maybe even attraction. I have tried pretty much everything to stop the arguments, including to stop arguing back until he calms down, trying to leave the room/house until he's okay, to get him to sit down and talk to me about it after, but none of it works. And to make matters worse, when he's angry he'll say the worst things to me, such as how he thinks I only care about myself, that I care more for my friends than him, how I just **** him off and stress him out and how he doesn't even know what to do about it, he becomes sarcastic and nasty. He shouts at me, and he gets aggressive to the point where he scares me, even though I know he wouldn't hurt me.

I'm so stuck, because I love my boyfriend, and besides his anger, we are perfect. I have suggested he find professional help, but he said that it would make him feel uncomfortable, so I don't know how to approach the situation now. I really do not judge him, he just feels this way as I have high opinions on people who smoke etc, as my family all did when I was younger and I hated it. He stopped previous to us going out, when we were still talking, and he told me he did it for himself. But now, he'll blame me and say how he stopped smoking because of me, and how he stopped doing other things because of me. Then I feel terrible as I feel as though I've made him miserable, and I blame myself. It's all so complicated, but when we're together, and everything is good, it's perfect, and I can't imagine not having him around, as I spend everyday with him. But when he's angry, and he says nasty things, my confidence becomes shattered, and I begin to blame myself for everything, and I keep trying to improve it, but I just don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I could help my boyfriend cope with his anger? and get him to understand that I wont judge him? and how to get him to understand that he can talk to me? I also want him to know how much the things that he says to me when he's angry upset me, but I don't want to make him angry by explaining. I'm not ready to stop this relationship as 90% of the time we're perfect, but I can feel it deteriorating. Is it time to end it? or can it be saved? I know that my boyfriend loves me, and he's actually a hopeless romantic, which I adore about him, but even now that has begun to die as he's so stressed, I just don't know what to do anymore..

Oh, and I'm so sorry for the extent of this essay, thank you for anyone who bothered to actually read this far!





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