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Hi everyone, this is my first ever post here on this website and I apologize in advance for it being so long, but I'm in desperate need of some answers and some advice. I guess answers is the wrong word to use because only my ex boyfriend could truly give them to me since that's who this is about it. But I'm wondering if anyone here could tell me what they think about my situation and why exactly this has happened. It's much appreciated! So I'm going to go ahead and jump into the situation, but like I said, it's very long. I'm eighteen, going on nineteen years old now in a few months, but I met my now ex boyfriend (he was seventeen at the time) when I was only sixteen. I met him through shared friends and when we met we instantaneously hit it off. He was funny and smart, and I connected with him in a way that I had never before with anyone else. He was real and honest and he made me feel comfortable around him. We started dating and before I knew it I had fallen in love with him over that summer together. Everyone is so quick to say they're in love and all of that but I myself was very skeptical. I had dated previous to him and had never felt the same about anyone like I did with him. Everyone always told me I would know when it was the real thing, and finally I knew what they were talking about. It was the real thing. I want to clarify that even though I was sixteen at the time I was still very mature and level headed, just as I am now. Basically, what I'm trying to make clear is that I know not only in my head but also in my heart, that what we had come to share was a very real and powerful thing. So that summer we fell in love, and he was the first to say it. I can say, even though here and now I've been through so much pain from him and with him, that that was the best summer of my life so far. He became not only my boyfriend but my bestfriend. He completed me in ways that I never thought possible, as I did for him. I became very close with his family, spent the night with him, laid with him in his bed as we talked through the night. He knew my secrets, my dirty habits, he knew everything down to how I curled my toes when they were cold. Everything felt so surreal and though I knew we had fallen hard for each other, I never thought our happiness would come to an end. I remember one particular night laying with him and talking when he randomly told me that he was going to marry me one day. He stole my heart in ways that I never thought possible, and it was then that I realized I would die if he ever gave it back to me. So it was, our happiness came crashing down about eight months later. I was now in my senior year of high school, and he in his freshmen year of college. Very early into our relationship I discovered he had a history with smoking a certain substance that I wasn't okay with. I told him very clearly that I was not okay with it and that for us to continue our relationship he would have to promise to not do it anymore. He had agreed to this and said it wouldn't be a problem. And so it wasn't until about the eight months later. Also real quick on another not, he had had a history of depression about two years before he met me. It was also very early on into our relationship that he decided he wanted to get off of his anti-depressants. He told me I made him happy and that I was the only thing he needed to be happy, not the medication. Of course this rang a bell in my head, I was aware of the side effects of spontaneously quitting anti-depressants. But he insisted and finally I just sad okay. So continuing, about eight months into our relationship things begin to change. First he brings up wanting to start smoking again, which basically arouses moral contradictions between us. And also his overall attitude begins to change, he becomes more pessimistic about the relationship with each argument that we get into about smoking, and then from there we start to argue over just about everything. At this point I am very worried and have no idea why my relationship is falling apart. This goes on for about two months until in late December, when we're both at the end of our fuses he breaks up with my on a cold winter night. Usually, in most teenage relationships kids bounce back quickly from breakups, they recognize it's not a big deal. This is partly due to the fact that most "teenage relationships" were not at all like mine. Though him and I were teenagers, our love was beyond either of our ages. I basically felt my heart shatter that night. I never thought I would experience heart break at seventeen years old, but I did. Later on, my bestfriend explains to me how that night when I called her crying from an empty parking lot, I sounded like a wounded animal, I was crying and gasping so ridiculously. She told me she thought I had gotten stabbed, or that I was wounded some where. I laid with him a final time in the passenger seat of his car where he held me and brushed the tears off my cheeks. And then when he couldn't stay there with me any longer I let him go and I watched him drive off in the middle of the night. I watched until I couldn't see the red from his tail lights. I watched the best thing that had ever happened to me fade. I felt myself fade. Over the next three weeks I lose twenty pounds, I become extremely thin because I can't eat a bite of food. I hardly get dressed and I can't make eye contact with anyone around me. I'm reduced to a person I had never known before. I do the usual, and I go through the healing process, but I took one step forward and then two steps back. One day I'll feel nothing and then the next I'm crying and screaming until my throat is raw. I'm devastated. I could go on and on about the pain, but all of you who have experienced true heart break know exactly what I'm talking about. The kick in the deepest parts of your stomach, the clench in your throat that makes you feel like you may puke. I go through that for nearly four months. My senior spring break roles around and I can't enjoy because I still see him everywhere, and I still dream about him. At this point I start to become okay with the fact of being alone, and truly enjoying the time I have for myself but in the back of my mind I still know what I truly want. I wanted to be with him, the guy who broke me but the guy I still loved and would give my life for. He comes back to me these four months later, out of the blue just like he had before. He seemed different, and for good reason. I had kept tabs on him through friends and through sites like Facebook and Tumblr, seeing what he was up to and seeing if he had moved on. Though I knew it wasn't helping me heal I still wanted to know if he was thinking about me like I was thinking about him. He was thinking about me. He had gotten a nighttime job over on my side of town (he lived 45 minutes away in another small town next to mine), cleaning buildings that we had once gone to together. Through the late hours of the night I knew he had plenty of time to think and I knew that, just like me, even though I didn't want to be thinking about him, I still was. I knew, when he was alone working his job he was thinking about me. Keep in mind when he came back to me and was telling me about all of this, his job, his experience working full time and going to school, everythinggggg pretty much I had already analyzed every detail just like how my annoyingly over critical self does. It's around this time, about a month into him coming back that I realize there are a lot deeper issues than I had originally thought. I discovered I had developed trust issues, where I felt like he was going to leave at any minute. For some reason I replayed that night he left over and over again in my head. I made the mistake of telling him I forgave him when I truly did not. He in return, I would later find out, felt like he was walking on eggshells around me to try and please me and make it up to me. In the end I became paranoid and he became exhausted by trying to prove himself. You can already see where this is going. And some how besides the issues that had surfaced, he also became different. I noticed a few shorts weeks after he had originally returned that he was sort of hardened in a way. He became very sparring with his emotions, compared to how he was previously when he would cry to me knowing I would not judge him. He was very distant, and more so the pessimism that arouse late into the first time of us dating seemed like it had doubled. During these few months of us being back together, they were very rocky and were never secure. I was realizing that things never looked like they were going to be the same again between us. In ways I felt like I was with a different person entirely, though I knew this was not true. Finally, I blow up from frustration, animosity, and down right disdain for him and I call it off. We break up again for the second time. It would be another three and a half months before we would have contact again. During this time, I enter college and get a job at a health center. In this period of my life I changed dramatically. I learn more patience and my over all outlook on things becomes different, more mature I guess. But also at this point, I'm back to feeling like I'm dying on the inside. I come to realize that I was wrong for breaking up with him how I did (I didn't tell him why I did because I was ****** and drew conclusions without talking with him), and that I had acted out of character because I was insecure and paranoid about everything. I also believed by breaking up with him before he got a chance to break up with me again, would make the pain feel less. It doesn't, this time around it's a whole new kind of pain. I feel guilt like I have never before, though I refused to blame myself for everything. This leads us to the near present. I contact him basically laying out everything for him to either take, or walk away from. He greets me back more than happy, though a little cautiously considering our past. So now we date for the third time. It lasts from mid October until late December (2012). During this time things feel different, some bad but many good as well. Things feel more mature, which is what we agreed that we wanted, but at the same time he is also very detached. I handle this more easily, being quick to think and slow to act, I let him come to me most of the time. I give him his space (because he was always the type of guy who needed plenty of it). We argue a few times over things and then we resolve them, just like normal. I cry, he yells and gets frustrated, but this time we can end up realizing what we're doing wrong and fix it. December approaches, we both finish with our school finals for the semester, and both begin to work full time over the break. I work about a week and half until my office closes for winter break, and he works two jobs, averaging 60 hours for about two and a half more weeks. During this time, we hardly speak to each other because he never has time, and we only see each other once (one week before we break up again). We had tried to make plans to meet up and give each other our Christmas gifts but we could never make it happen (my doing mostly, I was busy the one night he had off). And then on New Years day I speak with him on the phone, seeing as it had been three weeks and I hardly felt like I had a boyfriend at that point. I called and asked him if everything was okay, expecting for him to reassure me that soon the holiday hours would go away and everything would go back to normal like he had been telling me. Instead he acts strange and of course very distant over the phone. And he basically tells me he can't handle the relationship, that he can't give me what I want, and that he needs to focus more on other things. That's the nutshell of the conversation, there was a lot of "it's hard to explain" and him stumbling to find words and just a bunch of other crap. I kindly respect his decision though I'm a little teary eyed and we hangup the phone. The last thing I asked him though was if he still loved me. And he did the classic thing that I had come to recognize when he was struggling with something internally. He stumbled briefly over his words before saying yes. He wouldn't lie, I know in my heart that he wouldn't say it unless he meant it, even in the end. And what I mean by the classic internal struggle, is that every time I've watched him make a conflicting decision he does this. I believe it's because he gets so hellbent on one idea, that once he's decided something he doesn't want second thoughts coming into his head. To me it seemed like he was trying to prevent any second thoughts from arising when he told me he still loved me. Now I can say I'm a human being and I do make mistakes, but I've played this game with him long enough to know what it means. I've looked it over again and again in my head and a few things stand out to me as strange. First of all, why did he buy me Christmas presents if he hadn't planned on being with me during the holiday season? On the phone he had said "I've been thinking a lot about it and for a while." If that's true then why bother buying me gifts if I would never have gotten them? Also this leads me to something else. "I've been thinking a lot about it and for a while." He had told me how with all of the hours he had been working he hardly had a moment to breathe he was so busy. So where is this time suddenly coming from? And "for a while" reallyyyy? Because he was texting me smiley faces like normal not two weeks before. I'm just saying everything seemed to change very fast. He went from "it'll go back to normal soon and then we'll be able to see each other more" to him breaking up with me in the matter of two weeks. I told myself that I wasn't going to torture myself with unanswered questions but all of this seems so ridiculous to me. With everything we've been through it seems like the decision to break up with me would have taken him a little longer and little more concentrated thinking instead of being overwhelmed by work. It sounds like stress displacement issues, and also the fact that he had admitted to not wanting to be dependent on anyone emotionally because it basically scared him more than anything. All of this hurts me so much because I really had been trying harder than ever. I was working through everything internally and was overall making a great effort to make the relationship work. Not once did I complain about him not seeing me, I just offered him my support and let him know I was there for him. There were times I would to burst out and yell and blame him but I never did. I was just expecting that through all of this recently everything would have gotten to go back to normal and that soon I'd be back in his arms, falling asleep beside him. It's hard thinking that that never happened, and truly now I've come to conclusions that we're not supposed to be together. I've accepted this and I've accepted that I'm not mad at him, I believe he did what he thought he needed to do (even though I don't think that it was the right thing). I'm mad at the situation and I find myself still looking for answers I'll never get from him. Please if anyone has any input or advice as to why you think he may how made this very rash and quick decision please share it with me. And also thank you so much for sticking through and reading all of this, I know it was very long. Thank you all :)





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