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Should We Break Up?
Feb 17, 2013
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but it feels like a lot less because we only see each other once a week. Right now, we haven't seen each other for over two weeks and to be quite honest, it's only because I have decided not to go to him.

I've been wondering if I should break up with him or not. On one side, I don't feel the spark anymore but I know this could be because we've been together for a while and of course it's different in the beginning. Also, I don't feel attracted to him. I guess I never did. But he is sweet and caring and I was feeling needy so that's probably why I agreed when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I never felt anything major when we kissed (I always thought he wasn't a good kisser, kinda slobby) but I liked when he touched me. Maybe that was just lust and no actual love.

He also does things that hurt me sometimes. He was never abusive per se but I do feel he channels a lot of his anger and frustration with the world to me. Every time I say something he doesn't like, he gets angry and basically tells me it was unnecessary for me to say such a thing. But I like to joke a lot and I know that hurts people sometimes but I already explained that's how I am. I feel like he's trying to suppress my personality; it's like walking on eggshells with him.

The main reason I haven't broken up with him yet is because I don't want to be alone. I don't want not having his daily texts or have to face our friends afterwards. I want to know he's on the other side for me. I want to have something to look forward to, to feel safe and to feel wanted. It's become a routine and I'm so scared of the change.

I have to say that once, on the phone, he got angry at something I said and tried to break up with me. He said "I'm done" because apparently he'd have enough of being hurt by my words. I had never realized how harmful they were until that moment, so I was in shock. I told him I would change and we agreed to think about it. The next day I called him and he told me to forget about last night, he had been an idiot and wanted things to be ok. I was so lost I agreed with no hesitation.

But to this day, I still have this fear of him breaking up with me for anything. It's this fear that I want to get rid of, because this is no way to live; our relationship seems so toxic. He keeps telling me things like "I need to give you reasons to keep me" and asking me not to leave him. But I still don't think this is ok. He made me cry so many times and I feel like I need to leave him.

But I'm so scared. I know he won't take it well and I know he has severe depression like me, so I understand why he acts like he does. Sometimes I do too. That's why this is so hard for me to figure out. Am I overreacting? Do I deserve this because I'm no walk in the park either and in the beginning it was me who was pushed him around? Am I just reaping what I saw?

Any advice is appreciated... :(

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